I found myself so excited while telling a shipper about the TWO good sized poops I’d had that morning, that I’d completely forgotten to mention the mind shattering “session” I had the night before. When I told him about the great feats that I’d performed during said “session”, he looked at me and exclaimed that I must have taken a rap on the noggin. He wondered why on earth I would have started the conversation with a story off how formidable my bowels were, and where I had lost my balls? I really don’t understand where things went wrong. I used to try to keep myself bunged up, just so I wouldn’t have to waste valuable time taking a dump. It wasn’t only the crapping that used up my valuable time, but there’s the wiping, the washing of the hands, and don’t even get me started on those old air dryers.
You may think I’m joking, but you probably haven’t been whipping along the interstate in Ohio when the two minute warning hits. You know when you get that first rumble in your guts and you hope it’s just a bit of indigestion, but it’s not. It never is. Well, I was at the point where I was starting to get the sweats, my stomach was tied in knots, and my eyesight had grown very keen. I was looking about a mile ahead to see if the signs had any of those little toilet symbols on them, but they didn’t. They never do. It got so bad that I was promising God that I’d believe in him, if he’d just throw a bush down in the ditch or something. I really didn’t want much, just a little patch of sumacs or something to camouflage a bit, but he never sent any down. He never does.
That was it, I was going to have to stop and let ‘er fly beside the truck, I just wished that there wasn’t a road that ran along side of the highway. It wasn’t as busy as the interstate, so I grabbed a handful of napkins, jumped out, and ran to the other side of the truck. I had just made it around the corner and my drawers were around my ankles. It wasn’t pretty, and I think I was halfway through some sort of howl, when I heard the first horn excitedly honking at me. I looked over at the two girls that were cheering me on from their little blue car(good thing they were hot), and I waved. What the hell else can you do in that situation? By the time the fourth vehicle had honked at me, I was used to waving with one hand, and holding onto the tire with the other. I quickly did my paperwork and exited the scene. I then headed for the next rest area or truck stop, because I knew it wasn’t the end of this fight. No sir, not by a long shot.
So there you have the reason for my wishing constipation on myself, and I’m sure you’ll agree that it was warranted. I am thankful of one thing though, that cell phone cameras hadn’t been invented yet. I can’t even remember how I started this story off… oh right, two good poops in one morning. Man that was awesome.
Come on people now, smile on your brother,