How To Properly Shag A Sheep

(editor’s note – This is a fun post, and by no means should it be taken seriously. Click Here if you don’t have a sense of humour about zoophilia. Okay then, no complaining.)

I remember talking to someone over the weekend, and whatever we were talking about made me want to write a post about it. I said as much, and stored it away for Sunday night, but when the time came to type it out, I couldn’t remember what I was going to write about.

Luckily I have Facebook and was able to ask if anyone there remembered what I was going to blog about. No sooner than I asked, I got a response from Brad. He said it was either about how people can defeat the plutocracy, or how to sneak up on a sheep when you’re drunk and horny.

Thanks, Brad!

Seeing as I don’t even know what a plutocracy is, I guess you are going to learn about raping farm animals and how to properly tamp down your shame with morbid poetry and self-inflicted glass cuts.

Yes it is, and no they don’t. They don’t even like getting laid by other sheep, as if your tiny pecker is going to do it for them. If you are human, and you fuck an animal, you are a rapist in every sense of the word.

Yeah, but what about if she fucks me? Then it’s okay, right?

You deserve to be thunderfucked by the ram for being so stupid. No means no, and because you don’t understand sheep language, you can’t know for sure that it’s consensual. That would be like me forcing myself on random Taiwanese women, and because I don’t speak their language, using the defence that I thought they were saying yes. They weren’t.

No one, except sometimes my wife, willingly has sex with me.

Now that we’ve established that it is in fact, rape, let’s move on with the lesson.

I assume you already know that a ewe’s vagina is quite similar to a human’s, and that they are just the right height for the sexy times, but I’ll bet you didn’t know that their split lip feels good when they kiss you.

That was a joke. You do not kiss sheep on the mouth. It’s just like Pretty Woman.

Step 1: What you’ll need

Step 2: Reconnaissance 

Do you want to be torn to shreds by a Kuvasz or a Great Pyrenees? No? How about kicked in the nuts by a ewe that’s trying to escape your grasp? I didn’t think so. You are going to want to scope things out first, so there are no surprises.

  • Call the farm and ask when they do the shearing. If they seem suspicious tell them you want to bring your kid out to see how it’s done.
  • Night vision goggles are a good thing to own, but especially for this type of manoeuvre. If you don’t have any, then you should go when the stars and moon are bright, because you need to be able to see.

Greatly improves your odds. Unless the sheep have a snub-nosed .38.

  • Get some heavy duty tranquilizers from a vet and put them in small balls of ground beef. Tell them that you have a 170 lb mastiff that won’t get in the crate for air travel. Get as many as you can, because you plan on travelling a lot, stud. 😉

 Step 3: Execution

  • After most people have gone to sleep, go to the farm that you intend on hitting up for some “midnight mutton”, and find out where the flock is.
  • When you are at the fence closest to the flock, suit up and start whistling a little, increasing volume until the dog or dogs start heading for you.
  • Throw two hamburger balls for each dog, but make sure they each eat them. There shouldn’t be more than two, but it’s better to be safe than sorry.
  • If they don’t eat them, you might want to get the fuck out of there, because you don’t want to be testing the longevity of that suit with those bastards. If they get you down, eat a couple of those balls yourself.
  • When the dogs are asleep, work your way into the flock. Keep the suit on, just in case of wolves.

It could happen.

 

  • Find the one you like the best, undress, except for the boots, mitts and a condom, and gently massage the sleeping beauty, while working your way behind her (or him, if you love danger).
  • Swiftly pick up the back end, and drop the rear legs into the boots, all the while getting a good handhold with the mittens. (If the fleece is long, you can bare hand it, but after awhile the lanolin will get greasier than homemade clown porn.)
  • Do your thing, you sick, perverted rapist.

It’s true. We all know it.

 

Step 4: Escape

  • Put the Polysporin on the hoof cuts all over your shins (they’ll be there if you do it right), and get your suit back on, because those dogs might be coming around, and they’re between you and freedom. It will also slow down birdshot, if the farmer catches you.
  • Get the fuck out of Dodge.

 Step 5: Living With It

  • When you get home, smash all of your mirrors, because you can’t stand looking at yourself.
  • Use the broken glass to cut slices in your thighs, to take away the shame.
  • Write some haikus about how you wish you had the courage to commit suicide.
  • Plan your next visit, because that shit was awesome.

 

For the record, I have never raped, or even molested an animal before, but I’m a reasonably skilled woodsman and hunter, so I transferred what I know, and mixed it with some assumption and Google “facts”, to bring you this masterpiece. [tweetthis]I already know that I’m going to whatever your version of Hell is, so save your breath.[/tweetthis]

Harmlessly passing your time in the grassland away, only dimly aware of a certain unease in the air, you better watch out, there may be dogs about,

Birdman

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27 thoughts on “How To Properly Shag A Sheep

    • Thanks, buddy. You’re still going to come and hang here next summer, right? I’ve got the perfect farm picked out, and they’ll even pay us to help with the shearing. Win-win. Oh, and you’re welcome.

  1. WOW!
    It has been a while, but when I come back to this little bit of semi-sweet reading, I miss everything about this blog! Birdman, wanna hang out sometime and tear apart some old electronics? I will start compiling a stack of heavy stuff!

    • I do want to do that. If it’s not too late, being two years to the week that you commented. I’m not sure that you have enough left to keep us both busy.

  2. I just re-read this post and I have a few thoughts.

    I have always thought that the reason this post was popular was because it was all of the perverts reading it. But tonight I realized that it’s so ridiculously good that people must be sharing it because it is so damn smart.

    I don’t know how you skate that edge of being completely horrific and having such great character at THE SAME TIME. It is wonderful. I am so proud to be married to you.

    I think you should do more posts like this. Even if it makes me crazy. I love reading your well-crafted and delightful (sometimes crude) posts.

    Ps. I can’t wait to see you again.

  3. I have never cried reading an article on my computer until today. I not only cried but I could not catch my breath from laughing so damn hard. This was like a movie playing out in my mind. The cinematography was amazing.
    Now the serious part. No one could write something like this, that is so descriptive and with such feeling, without experiencing it first hand.
    I am glad you did brother, for without it we would not be graced with such a masterful piece of prose. You deserve a Pulitzer.

    • Thanks for the kind words, and as much as I would like to claim the experience on my resume, I have never actually been on a sheep farm. I was surprised to get a new comment on this, as it was written quite a while ago. It does bring in a lot of questionable search queries into the blog though, and I wonder which one you typed in. 😉

      Cheers

  4. Pingback: What The F*** Is Lupus? | Change The Topic

  5. Chris, you may want to add the following step:
    After positioning the hind legs into your Wellington’s, try to maneuver the sheep toward a farm pond. Sheep don’t like water and she will forceably back up into you, making the whole ordeal much more pleasurable. Andy

    • I love you Andy. I didn’t know that they didn’t like water. I guess they get their fluids by reverse osmosis when you are around, so no need to drink. 😉

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