Harry Holimas

Will that make you fuckers happy? Everybody is so up in arms about what someone says to them in a gesture of holiday spirit, that they have to post shit on Facebook about how upset and outraged they are.

It’s either keeping Christ in Christmas, Jesus being the reason, or the fact that we live in Canada, so that somehow means that everyone has to go by Christian values and the laws of the bible.

Really, hillbilly? Who the fuck are you welcoming with that statement? Your inbred cousin?

Well we don’t.

That also doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be able to say Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Feliz Navidad, or Season’s Fucking Greetings. You can say whatever you like. What does it matter? If someone wished me a Happy Festivus, I would high five that motherfucker, because I’ve never met another person that has openly admitted to celebrating Festivus. I’m not Hindu, but if I know it’s Diwali, I will wish anyone that I know that recognises it as a holiday a “Happy Diwali“. Why not? It’s the Festival of Lights, and very important to them. I don’t remind them that they should wait until December and buy a coniferous tree to decorate in their home, because that’s what we do in Canada. That would be rude. It’s also not what everyone does here.

I feel there is a subtle meaning behind this sign, but I don’t know what it is.

If you got transferred to China for work, would people expect you to adopt their beliefs and give up your own? Maybe. Those Chinese live by different rules. Fucking commies.

What if you moved to Sri Lanka, because you love spicy food, and rain? Would you want people to respect your beliefs, or throw Buddhism in your face every time you turned around? Yeah, I didn’t think so, Spanky.

So really, what’s your problem with people wishing you a happy holiday? Maybe their boss told them that they couldn’t say “Merry Christmas” to people anymore, because it might alienate some of the clientele? Isn’t that the boss’s right to not have the customers offended when they frequent their establishment? Is your right to freedom of speech going to supersede your employer’s right to earn a living?

Hey, can we switch for the construction season?

Say I worked in a store, and every time someone came in I simply said “Praise Satan.”, would that be okay? What if I was a Satanist? Now it’s my religion, so I should be able to express my beliefs, right? Of course it’s not alright. Maybe if I was working in an underground Satan clearance warehouse or something, but then it would just be for effect, and to get people in the mood to buy.

I remember working for a bunch of Jehovah’s Witnesses when I was out west. Sometime during the winter, they took us all out to a nice restaurant and fed us prime rib, or whatever. We had some drinks and some laughs, and we were given some money. That was pretty decent of them, seeing as they don’t celebrate any of that bullshit. They did it, because not all of their employees were JWs, and it was a way for them to give back to the people who kept their business running. They can give and accept gifts in appreciation, so they were disguised as bonuses. Some people said “Merry Christmas”, some said “Have a good winter holiday.”, but I just thanked them for everything, and shook their hands. No one got pissy about it, or told them that we were in Canada, so they should say “Merry Christmas”. Everyone just had a nice time, and listened to the other Dave talk about all of his shit, or how awesome Pavlis was to work for.

I liked it, because I don’t even believe in the holidays, other than the fact that it’s probably the only time we get to have almost everyone together. That is truly the only thing I like about them. I am such a huge Grinch when it comes to this time of year, and it’s all I can do to live and let live. I just want to shake people, and ask them: Why? Why are you buying presents? Don’t you buy your kids enough presents during the rest of the year?

This caused me to look to the gods of cyberspace.

Thanks for all of those facts, Wiki.answers.com. I love the ads and their pinpoint accuracy.

I seriously want to destroy the commercialism in our society, more than I want world peace. Bombings in the middle east? Meh, if there’s not a decoration to be seen, then it’s a fair trade-off. Russia decides to invade Belgium? Do I call them Russian waffles now? I could live with that, if it meant that there was not another dollar spent on decorations or presents for a holiday that was commandeered from the Pagans. I mean really, you are supposed to be celebrating the birth of your lord who came to free you from your sins. Where does it say that we should adorn each other with frankincense and myrrh? Fucking nowhere, that’s where. People gave the Prince of Peace a lot of gifts, but unless you are likening your family to The Redeemer, it doesn’t mention you doing it.

I try my hardest not to even call it anything, because I feel that doing so adds validity to the whole situation. I sometimes call it Christmas out of habit, but I certainly don’t believe that a tiny, baby Jesus was spit out of his “virgin” mother’s baby factory some 2013 years ago. I’m sure that there was a guy named Jesus, but I imagine he was just a guy. That’s what MacLean and MacLean told me, anyhow.

So to wrap things up:

  • Don’t be pricky to people when they wish you well, just because it’s not the way that you do it
  • Say whatever greeting you want, to people. If they don’t like it, they can stress out all they like
  • Drink rum and egg nog until you puke
  • Remember that Jesus was just a guy

Keep it over there, Lord, keep it over there, famine and disease lord, keep it over there,

Birdman

I’m submitting this to Yeah Write #87 this week. Mostly to see who gets pissed off, but partly because it’s open, and I trust that Flood won’t ban me. (She wasn’t there. It was The Reedster who banned me. Go check her out.)

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12 thoughts on “Harry Holimas

  1. Yes. This => “Don’t be pricky to people because they wish you well, just because it’s not the way that you do it.”

    I had no idea this whole war on Christmas was a thing in Canada too. I thought y’all were way more secular that your neighbors to the south?

    Happy December, yo. ~ Cindy

    • Thanks for pointing me to the fatal flaw. I changed it to “Don’t be pricky to people when they wish you well, just because it’s not the way that you do it.”

      I think the war is everywhere. I don’t understand how it’s gotten so bad. I’m going to stink bomb Walmart or something. I just need to find some stink bombs.

  2. I too am a Grinch when it comes to Christmas. I would much rather hear Bah Humbug then anything else this time of year.

    You rock my world Birdman.

    Happy Festivus.

  3. Every day I drive by the signs – you know those yard signs that say “Keep The Christ In Christmas”. Every day, I wonder if the people who put those signs in their yard go to church every Sunday? I have a huge respect for other peoples faith, but I wonder how many put those signs out because they are bigots who said well I’ll be damned if some “insert ethnic slur here” is going to tell me what I can say.

  4. Love it. You say it so well. Why do people always want to look at things from a negative angle. Makes me nuts. By the way, Happy Festivus. 🙂

  5. I forgot how damn funny Maclean and Maclean were. I use listened to that tape till it wore out. I’ll have to share that with my atheist friends on Twitter.

  6. You bring up a lot of good points, as always.

    To me, holidays around this time of year are all the same. And to me, Christmas is more about being together with my family and relatives than anything else. More specifically, sharing love.

    So when people get pissed about being specific about what you are celebrating, it just angers me.

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