(Editor’s note: I wanted to post this tomorrow morning, but Mrs. B said it needs to go out tonight. I also took the liberty of making up some memes for this post. You can make your own at http://www.cheezburger.com)
Sometimes I will yell out from the depths of wherever I am.
“BABY, I’ve got a blog post brewing”
This is one of those times.
I have this beautiful, intelligent, talented friend who has been reduced to a sobbing mess because of a man, and I use the word ‘man’ loosely. I have been texting her back and forth all morning, me trying to convince her that her life is not over, and that her future as a happy half of a couple is not impossible. I have to tell you, this is not the best time to plead my case about finding true love, as her former boyfriend sits on a Thai beach with the pregnant bride they flew across the world to see wed last summer.
Shady? Hell yes. This man has been public enemy number one on my radar for awhile. I’ve seen the games he played with my friend, keeping her at arms length, parcelling out a small portion of his affection and time in manageable doses as long as they’ve been ‘together’. She had virtually nothing at his home, and that’s how he liked it. He impressed her with his money, and his extensive travel, and some times even took her with him. He paid attention to her kids, which was a pretty big deal since their own father had virtually walked away from them to be with his new family. To say she is vulnerable would be a massive understatement.
This whole situation makes me sick with anger, for her, of course, but also for all of the smart, beautiful, talented women I know who put up with less than they deserve just to have someone to call their own. I know these women. I have BEEN these women.
Ladies, I need to tell you one thing. You can do better. There are women reading this that I have never met, but I know for sure you can do better. If your man is secretive and takes his phone into the bathroom, you can do better. If he has unexplained absences, you can do better. If he changes plans with you when he gets a better offer, you can do better. If he works ALL OF THE TIME, you can do better. If he lies FOR ANY REASON, you can do better. Maybe you can even do better with him, but at the very least, you CAN do better.
There isn’t much more that needs to be said on the subject. You deserve someone who loves you more than anything else (except his kids, if he has them). Period.
Choosing to love someone means giving up yourself completely, but doing so for someone who is only willing to rent you a bit of space in their head, when they are taking up all the real estate in yours, is truly a losing game. It doesn’t matter why they are holding back, because the result is the same. It’s like russian roulette, except I think you are way more likely to ‘win’ at russian roulette, since your odds are 1 in 6. The odds of finding happiness with someone who refuses to engage in a realistic, mutually-fulfiling, adult relationship is probably way, way less.
Most of you know that I have truly met my match in the Birdman. He is the yin to my yang, and the peanut butter to my jelly. I love him in a way that reminds me of how I love my children; purely, and without sharp edges. I love everything about him, and that my friends, is a pretty fantastic find. I know that I really had to love myself, and care about myself more than I cared about hurting someone else’s feelings to find someone who would fit in my life so perfectly. I was totally honest about who I was, and how I felt about things, and I never held back. I didn’t pretend to be anything other than what I was, and guess what? It worked! Imagine that…an approach so novel it’s almost unheard of: honesty. I found a man whose values and beliefs were very similar to mine, who didn’t mind a woman with a strong opinion, and who loved my fire instead of wanting to extinguish it, and I didn’t have to compromise myself to do it.
I don’t say those things to brag, or to tell you how your life should be. I tell you because I think you should know that is how your relationship COULD be. Believe that YOU are worth enough to demand a partner who loves and respects you and who WANTS you to be exactly who you are.
In the words of the bootylicious Ms. Beyonce Knowles,
“Baby I won’t shed a tear for you, I won’t lose a wink of sleep
‘Cause the truth of the matter is replacing you is so easy.“