Darien Lake And The Best Deal In The World

mindofbirdman

You probably think I’m talking about the very affordable rates that they have with their vacation packages, or the slushie cups with the ninety nine cent refills, but I’m not. I’m talking about the USB flash drive that you can buy from any of the rides with photo booths. Those things give you unlimited ride photos, and they’re good for the whole season. If you remember Season 1 of Darien Lake, then you’ll remember the photo of Gadget and I on the Ride Of Steel. My wife paid $10 for that photo and we vowed we were going to get a bunch more this year.

We did.

We started out on Moose On The Loose, because it had been a while since we had gone on any rides, and we wanted to start small and work our way up.

I shouldn't show this, because I took my hand off the handle. The cute teenaged girl told me not to.

I shouldn’t show this, because I took my hand off the handle. The cute teenaged girl told me not to.

I actually didn’t see the camera, even though it was about the size of a Chevy Sprint and I was looking right at it. I had to ask the girl where it was after the ride was over. That’s when these next ones were taken.

Gadget didn't care what the young staffers thought about two grown men riding moose named Carl and Jimmy.

Gadget didn’t care what the young staffers thought about two grown men riding moose named Carl and Jimmy through the wilderness.

We then got out the props.

Sort of.

Uh oh, my mask string broke. Note to self: Don't make costumes when the margarita machine is on.

Uh oh, my mask string broke, but it doesn’t matter, because Inspector Gadget will never catch me. Note to self: Don’t make costumes when the margarita machine is in operation.

Even though he was hot on the trail, I was confident that the rigid asshole that was running the ride wouldn’t let the meese get closer than regulation would allow.

Imma bust a cap in your moose's ass.

Imma bust a cap in your moose’s ass. Either that or I’ll blind him with my glazed forehead.

After my mask got magically tied back on, we came around the final bend.

Oh shit, here he comes. I sure hope he's shooting blanks like Penny says he usually does.

Oh shit, here he comes. I’m probably safe, because Penny says he shoots blanks.

I'm probably going to be arrested for giving children nightmares, but for now I have to nab the  fat fucker what stole my Dippin Dots.

I’m probably going to be arrested for giving children nightmares, but for now I have to nab the fat fucker what stole my Dippin Dots.

As we were getting our pictures, we saw that there was a kiddy coaster that had a camera too. Unfortunately we were too tall to get on it, but we were told of a secret spot that we could photobomb the ride, so that’s what we did.

Do you see us? Now do you?

Do you see us? Look for the guys throwin’ gang signs. Now do you see us?

It’s pretty lucky that you can have anyone’s photos put on your stick for free, but unlucky in the fact that they won’t post any with obscene gestures like titty flashes or thrill ride intercourse.*

* Is there such a thing? I just looked it up and can’t find evidence of more than a bj in a theme park bathroom. Anyways, now that you are back from checking out the blow job link, and possibly being disappointed because it was with two dudes, I’ll go on with the rest of our photographic journey.

I hadn’t been on since last year, so I thought I had better get used to the Ride Of Steel again. While everyone else was at the waterpark, I rode the park’s tallest and fastest coaster a whole bunch of times.

That’s the great thing about Darien Lake on a weekday; very few lineups. Even the best rides only have a max wait of twenty minutes. Well, I’m just talking about any time I’ve been there. This day you could get off and get back on within two rides, and sometimes just walk right on.

That’s how I met this guy and his two crazy girlfriends.*

I might have drank three beer before hitting the park.

I might have drank three beer before hitting the park. The guy in the front might have done three hits on an opium pipe.

He was getting used to it. I on the other hand...

He was getting used to it. I on the other hand…

* I really hope they’re his girlfriends, because he seemed like a good guy and deserved something like that. If they aren’t, at least let them be each other’s.

Things are getting better now, but you can't see my piss stained crotch.

Things are getting better now, but you can’t see my piss stained crotch.

I think I’m finally getting used to it now. Once you void your body of all waste, it feels pretty fun. Oh, didn’t I mention that I shit my pants on the second ride? It was actually more of a shart, but I think that still counts.

I am free as a bird now, and this bird you cannot tayeyayeyayme.

I am free as a bird now, and this bird you cannot chay-e-ange. Yes I was singing that in my head. I always do.

Now was the time to get Gadget and ride.

We found that props were hard to get out when you're securely fastened in the ride. I didn't say impossible.

We found that props were hard to get out when you’re securely fastened in the ride. I didn’t say impossible, just hard.

I didn't even get a chance to wear my tiara.

I didn’t even get a chance to wear my tiara.

This was when Gadget had to go and do some fatherly duties, so I had to make do with some of his offspring.

"Do you have a king?" "Go fish."

“Do you have a king?”
“Go fish.”
“Hey, quit looking at my cards, cheater.”

Sadly, those were all the shots we could get this trip. We will have to sit down with the ride’s designers and figure out what wardrobe changes we will need to grant us access to the many fun accessories at our disposal. We will do better next year, but we might need help getting things on the rides. Contact us at the blog if you’re interested in being a prop mule.

Until then, here’s a couple of pics from the Viper.

The viper is super restricting when it comes to trying to get things out of your pockets. We will plan better for next time.

The viper is super restricting when it comes to trying to get things out of your pockets. We will plan better for next time.

Ugh, gross. I know where that finger has been.

Ugh, gross. I know where that finger has been.

Where's the thrill of almost falling out with all these restraint systems?

Where’s the thrill of almost falling out with all these restraint systems?

After all of the roller coaster fun, Mr. WPP and I got the idea to get into the Slingshot. I must say that it was probably the coolest ride I’ve ever been on. It was twenty bucks, but so worth it if you like shooting three hundred feet into the air at eighty miles an hour. Although there is no sound, I got the video of us on the ride, if you care to see it.

I had to go through a bunch of tutorials and spent hours learning how to blur his face. You should be very proud of me for that, but not too proud because when I made it, the video froze at about :47 and I didn’t bother fixing it, because I was bored and sick of playing with it.

Hey, The Allman Brothers Band is playing when we go in August. I wonder if the kids will want to go to the show? Maybe if Demi Lovato is opening for them.

I don’t own the clothes I’m wearing, and the road goes on forever, I got one more silver dollar,

Birdman

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4 thoughts on “Darien Lake And The Best Deal In The World

  1. My good god you are Birdtastic. This blog is birdalicious! Except for the frozen video part. That part just pissed me right the fuck off.

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