May 21

Well, It’s Getting Closer

Yep, the date is fast approaching. We are quite good for time, I think. Well, Mrs. Birdman is, I should say. I just kind of sit there and nod. It’s all too much for me to understand. I can’t figure out why things have to be so complicated, and so detailed.

I’m trying to figure out my vows right now. I have to write out a scene, in which we have a mock vow thing, but I really have no clue as to how these things go. I want to do it with my own flair, but that might be too offensive to say, “I promise to try and sweep up the dog hair every day, if you promise to give me oral three times a week.”.

Of course I’m joking. That’s worth oral every day, but what I’m getting at is that not many of my family members are going to see the humour in it.

Another thing that I’m afraid to bring up is that I want to tie a wagon to Blue’s collar, and have him pull my niece down the aisle, while she spreads the flower petals. I know she’s going to bring up the fact that Blue will take off, and that a little girl will end up going ass over tea kettle into the pond or something. Yeah, maybe that could happen, but it’s what life jackets are for, isn’t it?

Where'd ya go, Blue?

We went to look at the barn yesterday, and it’s pretty nice. The people are accommodating, so that’s a big plus. They do have a pond, so we will have to keep an eye on kids. I hate being a spoilsport about it, but I really don’t think that kids should be around weddings, after the ceremony, when the booze starts to flow. I know it’s a pain in the ass for people, but we are well known for our lack of responsibility when we are drunk. Seriously, I wouldn’t want the girls, or my nephews to know some of the extremely fun shit I’ve done, only because it was fucking dangerous. Shooting fireworks at each other, brawling, jumping out of speeding boats is not very smart at all. Fun, but not very smart.

I’ve been to some pretty rough weddings before, and I don’t think that those levels of tomfoolery should be unveiled to children. A few of you will remember a wedding dance at the ——- arena that ended with a few people in the hospital. One with a broken head, and the other with stab wounds. Countless other receptions have ended up with fights or other forms of idiocy, and I myself have seen stripping, oral sex, and drug use, at weddings, just to name a few.

Would you want your kids to see this shit? Yeah, me too.

Now, I’m not saying that these are bad things to happen at a wedding dance, I’m just saying that kids shouldn’t be exposed to them until they are at least twelve, so we are asking everyone to have their children gone by around ten. I think that’s quite fair, because I don’t want to be the one to explain why Uncle Mike was fixing that lady’s underwear with his teeth. Do you?

So play the Cotton-Eyed Joe, for the folks don’t ya know, leave the dogs in the truck, til’ you leave,


P.S. What’s the craziest shit you’ve seen/done at a wedding?

Mar 05

Fric and Frac

Life is speeding right by

I was chatting with a buddy from out west tonight, and got talking about how fast life is moving along. His little baby girl is trying to stand and do things on her own now, and it seems like she’s only a week or two old. I’ve never got to feel that excitement of waiting for the first steps of my child, but I did get to see my niece take hers, and the look on her dad’s face was priceless. It was a mixture of joy, and awe, mixed with a bunch of pride. Then I got thinking about what a joy it must be; seeing your kid do all of the firsts in it’s life.

This past little while, and the week ahead will bring about a few first time dads that I know personally. I find a lot of inspiration when I watch this change in a person. It’s almost like they have a heightened sense of awareness, and are singlehandedly responsible for blocking everything, from bullets to germs, from reaching their new babies. I can relate to this feeling a little, because I’ve noticed a big change in myself since I’ve undertaken the role of stepdad to these two girls. You start to watch things that you normally wouldn’t notice, drive much slower and safer than usual, and don’t get drunk or high every night, because you want to make sure that you are able to respond, in case there is an emergency. I always have said that I will never change, but I guess I’m a bit of a liar now, sorry. Continue reading

Mar 03

Double Digits already? 99 Days of anxiety

Hey kittens…you know what’s super fun to do?  Wedding Planning!  No, actually I’m totally shitting you there.   Planning a wedding is worse than having dental surgery.

Another happy bride, planning her big day...

Here we are with 99 days until the grand event and there is still so much shit up in the air that even I am having a hard time pretending it’s all going to sort itself out.  Luckily I love my groom-to-be more than life itself, and I want to marry him in the worst way.  I have already tried to cajole and wheedle my way into having him agree to a quickie wedding down south (no dice), a low-key Justice-of-the-Peace affair at city hall (HELL no), and a wiccan handfasting (well maybe I didn’t ask him for that one, but only because I knew he’d say no).  He would probably go for the quickie wedding if I would agree to still host the MOTHER OF ALL SHIT SHOWS in June on our chosen wedding day anyway.  I, however, see no point in planning TWO wedding extravaganzas when I am already freaking about one.  So here we are, back to square one, with me trying to Pollyanna my way through the next 99 days, all the while ignoring the pink elephant that is our impending nuptials, dancing around in my living room.

I am literally fresh off an argument about wedding rings.

Birdman:  “I was shooting the shit with Larry today”  (Larry is our jeweller, by the way.)

Me: “Oh good.  Did you ask him how much we owe?”

B: “WHAT?  WE OWE?  FOR WHAT???!!!???”

Me: “The wedding bands.”

B: “I thought we paid those?”

Me: “Nope, just the deposit.” Continue reading

Dec 24

Oh, my dukes were born up, pal

First of all, I have ideas; ideas that need to be heard and not dismissed immediately. Here is one of my ideas… Call and invite the people that live far away. If they want to come, they can come, and we’d be ecstatic to have them, but I don’t expect anyone to travel thousands of miles to watch me get married. I’m kinda debating whether I even want to drive the seventeen clicks from home to the barn that we’re getting married at. Mrs. B mentioned something about seeing the wedding via Facebook, and I’m still exploring that option.

Who am I kidding? I can’t wait to marry her. One reason is that she’s an incredible, exciting, sweet ball of goodness, that constantly amazes me with her continually evolving love. I guess another reason is I will never have to look at this guest list again. Fuck me, this is the worst thing in the world to have to do, especially when you’re exhausted. There are so many people that I want to invite, but as she mentioned yesterday, I have a huge family. The other shitty part is that I really like them, and would love for them all to come, but most of them live quite far away. This brings me to the original idea I had:

1. Unofficially invite them, and see if they can make it.

2. Hope that they can, but completely understand if they can’t.

3. If they decline, someone else gets an invite.

It's worth the trip. We have a great band and DJ.

Seriously, I then get to maximize the guest potential, because I’m not sending out 40 of our invites to people who can’t make it, for one reason or another, when there are lots of people who can make it. Why shouldn’t I do some recon work, to find out who can endure the trek? For example: I have a cousin in Kelowna that is 95% sure she will make it. Definitely worth sending a couple of invites to, but I have two cousins in Yellowknife that are a slim chance of getting the time for that kind of a trip; I’m maybe not going to waste an invite on a slim chance. Oh wait, but what if they all of a sudden are able to make it? I can’t not ask them to come at the last minute, can I? That’s why we have the ten person buffer isn’t it? I have this dirty, ginger, hillbilly miner cousin, that’s somewhere near Sparwood, BC. I’d love it if he could make it, because he’s awesome, and pretty fucking hilarious, but there’s not much chance of him being off at the same time, so I think he should be in the buffer as well. His brother lives in Singapore, I think, and I haven’t heard back from him, so I think it’s safe to say that he probably isn’t going to make it, but who really knows? I’d love it if my uncle from Jasper could make it, but it’s kind of hard to expect that someone should incur that much cost, just to see some asshole get hitched. (to me hee hee)

My point is that while I can’t expect people to show up, but if somehow at the last minute they are willing to travel a million kilometres to watch the most beautiful display of love since Noah and Allie in The Notebook, I can’t not let them come.

If you're a Bird, I'm a Bird... (haha...get it?)

Another thing is all of the people that tell me they had better get an invite. If someone wants to go so bad that they are willing to demand an invitation, don’t I have to oblige them??? No, no I fucking well don’t. I find it completely rude and presumptuous. I was maybe going to invite you before, but that just opened up a seat for someone else. Oh, your wife/husband can still come, but they had better find a hot new date (my cousin just got out of jail, and is single), because it won’t be you, asshole. I understand that some might say it jokingly (Gadget), but there are some who are serious when they say it. Not cool at all. If you didn’t give birth to me, or are related to someone who gave birth to me, there are no guarantees. I really would love to have everyone I’ve ever known to the dance, but due to the occupancy limits of the aforementioned barn, that would be impossible. I think I’m going to have to leave it to a third party to do my invites, because I don’t have a clue what protocols there are, and I apparently can’t invite everyone.

This is almost exactly what I picture our wedding will look like

Oh, and yet another point I’d like to make is this: I want to invite a couple that I’ve become quite close with, and would love to have them celebrate our love with us, but because of conflict with other family members, am advised against it. Shouldn’t I have the choice to invite people I want to be at my wedding? Shouldn’t people understand that it’s a big place, and I’m not going to seat people who don’t get along right next to each other? What’s the protocol there? I think that both parties should be invited, and if one chooses to be childish, and not show up, so be it. Am I putting my lovely bride in an awkward position (not yoga), or can I let the onus fall on my massive shoulders? Seriously, I think that as adults, we need to set aside our differences for the sake of true love.

Which leads me to probably my final point. A really close friend has a significant other that I personally can’t stomach. The sight of this person raises my blood pressure to the boiling point, but we love the friend very much. Do we invite the piece of dogshit,with instructions that they are not to make eye contact, drink, or speak with anyone, to keep the friend happy, or try to diplomatically tell the friend to bring a different date? I feel that it’s our wedding, and we shouldn’t have undue stress on that amazing day, but also that our friend didn’t do anything (other than poorly choose a mate), so why should they have to pay for that? I don’t know how the vote should shift, but in the end I think that it’s our day, and even though it may cause grief later in life, we should try to keep it as fun as possible. I guess we’ll see how it turns out.

Anyhow, we are hoping to have a videographer at the wedding, so maybe we’ll be able to put up installments on the blog. That way you all can share in our joy, no matter where you live.

Gone away is the blue Bird, here to stay is the new Bird, he sings a love song as we go along,



Dec 23

Put your dukes up


Hey kids, it’s time to disrupt the love-in to give you some real dirt.  The Birdman and I nearly came to blows today discussing our favorite topic – The upcoming nuptials.  We have very few arguments in our day-to-day life, but bring up the subject of the dreaded Guest List and just watch the feathers fly. (Get it?  Feathers?  Birds?  I knew y’all were right there with me.)

I am not sure why it always turns into a tense stand-off when the topic comes up, but I think I am starting to figure it out.  As it turns out, the guest list is capped at a certain number, and common sense (and occupancy restrictions) state that we are not to exceed said number, regardless of whether or not we would *like* to.

I find this whole situation rather stress-free, considering that my entire family will tally up to a grand total of 17, and that includes my children, and my neices and nephews, leaving me oodles of space to invite my dearest friends.  Unfortunately, Birdman comes from a long line of procreators, (possibly Mennonites) and his family total is somewhere in the hundreds.  I know you see the dilemma.  I am dancing all the way down the aisle in front of every relative I care to see again, and he’s biting what’s left of his fingernails waiting to see if some slighted uncle is going to show up with a shotgun to share his anguish at not making the cut.

I thought we wuz FRIENDS!!!

Birdman simply does not understand that we can’t invite everyone.  We can’t.  Even if we grew up next door to them, or they delivered our mail every day for 40 years, it’s not going to be enough of a reason to allow the list to balloon out beyond our means.  Yes, I realize that more people means more wedding swag, but honestly, we have all we ever needed, and I would like to be able to recognize most of the people who are watching me get hitched.

My beloved is afraid that anyone who doesn’t get the golden ticket will think it’s because we don’t love them, or even like them, and that we wish they would crawl into a hole and die.  This is simply NOT THE CASE.  When I do the wedding math with him, it goes something like this:

BIRDMAN: “But I HAVE to invite Jedediah.  We rode the bus together every day since kindergarten and he didn’t beat me up when I accidentally threw up on him after drinking a whole liter of eggnog one time.”

ME: “What is dear old Jedediah doing these days?”

B: “Not sure…I lost track of him somewhere after 11th grade”

ME: “Did he invite you to HIS wedding?”

B: “Well…no.  But I did get a second-hand invitation to his bachelor party…”

ME: “Exactly.”  (said in a snarky and final tone)

While we have many, many people that we come into contact with on a semi-regular basis, I believe most of them understand that they may not be invited, and will not feel overly slighted at this fact.  We are in our 40’s for Christs sake, and we have DOUBLE the amount of friends, relatives, exes, and other assorted life-baggage than we had in our 20’s, and yet the wedding venues STILL refuse to hold any more people than they did in our 20’s.

The other thing that I am counting on, is that people may not want to come.  I mean, let’s face it, weddings are not everyone’s cup of tea.  I myself love them, and attend 30-40 every year in my job.  However, I get that my excitement and anticipation will not be as contagious to everyone I know.  I fully support the ‘I love you, but I don’t want to attend your wedding’ policy.  I am giving everyone a free pass to bail on the wedding if it’s just not their bag.  No harm, no foul.  I would so much rather people be sitting in their own cozy living room, relaxed and doing their thing, than being dragged to a wedding when they would really rather just wait to catch the highlights on Facebook.

I wish I could go, guys, but the season finale of Glee is on...

So if you prefer to take the buy-out, we love gift cards at The Moonlight Bunny Ranch, bottles of Patrón, and anything from Jimmy’s Tackle and Cutbait.   (PS.  I’m kidding about a buy-out…we don’t need your stinkin’ gifts, if you are too good to attend our wedding!  Assholes. )

Another thing that isn’t going to make us very dear to people is our policy on children and plus-one’s.  There won’t be any.   I know, it’s not a popular decision, but the only children there will be mine, or nieces and nephews of ours, and any that happen to sneak in in-utero.  Also, guests without common-law or married partners will be coming alone.  I realize attending a social function without a random buddy to join you may suck ass, but like I mentioned above, we are on a tight guest-list, and there are actual relatives who won’t be able to attend, people who are single, will have to attend single.  (Cue the heckling and rotten vegetable tossing)

The good news is that we are about 70% through the first round of cuts, and it looks like we might be able to pull this whole shindig in on budget and without killing each other in the process.  To be honest, the entire wedding is really just a confirmation of what we already know, that we are meant to be together forever.  We are really just trying to inject a little green into the local economy while we treat our friends and family to an incredible, rockin’ party.  We will be celebrating with family and friends who are our chosen family.  There will be so much love in the room, perhaps no one will notice social faux-pas and thumbing of noses to etiquette.  One could hope… 😉

I wanna make you smile,
Whenever you’re sad.
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad.
All I wanna do,
Is grow old with you…


Mrs. Birdman