Jun 17

Dicks (They Come In Different Shapes And Sizes) – Comedy Open Mic Round 18

Well, if no one else is going to do it, then I will. I’ve had enough of people telling me how big their dick is. Yeah, yeah, I know your dick is bigger than mine, but I don’t need to keep hearing about it.

It’s even harder(no pun intended) now that I have joined the COM Discord server. It’s an international pissing contest over there, and photos are freely shared, especially in @carlgnash’s special room. I get to hear about @amirtheawesome1’s big Iraqi dick, which is oddly a lot paler than I expected, seeing as he’s Iraqi and I generally stereotype everything. @holybranches and @belemo are always going off about how Nigerians have huge black dicks, which I believe because as I’ve previously stated, stereotypes.

Everyone is always playing the dick card in there and I started feeling bad about myself. My dick just doesn’t measure up to the others. While not as short and powerful as Amir’s or as stretched and sinewy as Holy and Belemo’s, the upside is aesthetics. My wife says that mine’s attractive and tells me that size doesn’t matter as much as being non-threatening and safe. (She also says that same-sex friendly is important, but she has this thing where she figures that everyone has a gay streak in them.) Anyhow, that isn’t helpful when I’m already sullen and worried that my dick doesn’t measure up. I do love her for trying though.

So I was kind of getting over the initial shock of seeing their dicks when I see a photo of @doomsdaychassis’s dick. He honestly has the biggest prick I’ve ever seen. The thing is a fucking monster that looks like it eats a pound of bacon every morning and farts out the grease.

That’s flaccid.

I’d hate to see that sucker after a few months of actually getting some exercise.

He says that after however many years of marriage you just give up on sex, so that kind of explains the muscular atrophy and the pastiness, but still, the sheer mass is impressive.

Anyhow, like I said, there is photographic evidence. I should just post it and let you judge for yourself who has the better dick. Not the bigger dick, because I have no shot at that. I know what battles to pick.

 

Here is my dick

Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau looking like a dapper temp in the office. (image source)

and Amir’s dick

Iraq President Fuad Masim
Tasnim News Agency [CC BY 4.0 (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

And here is Holy and Belemo’s dick juxtaposed with Doomsday’s

President Donald Trump and Nigerian President Muhammadu during a news conference in the Rose Garden of the White House in Washington, Monday, April 30, 2018. (image source)

I am posting this as my second entry for Comedy Open Mic Round 18, because I’m a bandwagon jumper from way back and I saw an opening in the sexy body part post trend that has jumped from @beeyou to @abh12345 to @davemccoy.

Why shouldn’t I cash in on this lucrative series as well?

Anyhow, I am going to nominate @deliberator and @bashadow to write some funny for the contest. You can check out this round here and the rules are in that post as well.

Now check out this flashy banner that I hired @kayyam09 to create for me.

He’s working pretty cheap to start out so he can get his name out there, but I imagine it’ll go up pretty quick as the orders pile up. Check out his free stuff too. Recently he made a bunch of dividers like the ones I used in this post.

Jun 16

This Is F*ck*ng Exciting! For Me – Comedy Open Mic Round 18

For Change The Topic followers:

So as most of you know I have switched over to writing on https://www.steemit.com.

It’s a blogging platform on the Steem blockchain, and while I can’t get into the whole cryptocurrency discussion of it all, I can speak to the blogging aspect.

The main thing I like about it is that it has me creating again. Both Mrs. Birdman and I. We’re back to doing Therapy Thursdays again as well, and we are going to be doing them via video if anyone ever sends us their problems again.

Now, I know that not really writing anything for years has led to a complete lack of engagement on here, so I don’t expect that many are still following, but I do enjoy having things I write on here and have really enjoyed going back through old posts and reliving my not so distant youth.

There are some things I don’t even remember writing.

There are a lot of other great things about it, but getting rich is not one of them. I was under the impression that money flowed like wine from a soccer mom’s juice bottle, but I was misinformed.

It’s actually a cryptocurrency called Steem, and it flows more like me trying to poop after eating the whole cheese ball at Nana’s. Fuck off, it was full of Old Nippy and it was delicious.

Like I said, I don’t know anything about crypto. (That’s what we call cryptocurrency on Steemit. We’re all hip to the terms and shit.) I know that the price of crypto has been going down, so the value of my account has been going down as well. It was worth about $300 and it’s now worth about $150. I have also given a lot of my SBD away for contest prizes and stuff like that because I’m in this more for the long haul and I feel that positively impacting the platform where most of the creators are struggling to be seen, will help with longevity.

I’m not doing this to make a quick buck. I could throw a few handies out behind a gym if I was looking for that.

Hold on a sec. Did you catch that I implied that there were gays hanging out at gyms? That was just me throwing shade because I’m fat and pretending that I’m above going to a gym because of the gay guys that may or may not be there.

I’m not. It’s actually laziness that keeps me away from the gym. If we could guarantee to run into some decent gay guys, I’m sure Mrs. Birdman and I would both be there trying to lure them into our web. I mostly just want someone to explain some of the jokes on RuPaul’s Drag Race.

I get a kick out of that show, but there are some jokes where everyone is laughing, but I’m just sitting there, smiling, and waiting for the punchline.

Anyhow, the reason I’m so excited now is that there is a new plugin for my WordPress blog that will publish the post to Steemit without having @cheetahbot and @steemcleaners coming at you for plagiarising your own content. This is awesome because the interface in WordPress is way easier to use than writing code into Steemit.

It’s called SteemPress

This means I can publish on Change The Topic and simultaneously to my Steemit account. Apparently without a hitch. This post is a test, plus I figured I could use it as an entry for Comedy Open Mic as well.

So here are my nominations and a banner that was made by @matytan

I am nominating @kayyam09 and @cryptkeeper17 to join in the fun.

You can find out what you need to know about the contest here

They are a great bunch of fucking degenerates, and I know that they partly feel the same about me. (If you didn’t pick up on my subtlety, I was saying they think I’m a fucking degenerate.)

Anyhow, hope to see more of you around and check things out. You might just find a reason to get out of bed in the afternoon.

Jun 02

Calling All Canadians

Do you know what I love?

DQmWHJgPDRVLxFz3cUxFCvWUdYPwJm1XhxTLGqLfYeg3wqg_1680x8400.jpg

Yep, that’s right. I fucking love @comedyopenmic, (from here on in called COM) and I am proud to say it. It’s a fantastic community full of funny, helpful people, that really love to laugh and to make others laugh.

Do you know what I hate?

floydbeebesforehead1.jpg
(image source)

When my forehead tattoo becomes obsolete, and every kid that pulls up to the drive-thru when I’m on shift asks me what it means.

It means get some fucking culture. You’ve really never heard of Larry The Cable Guy?

Another thing I love is the COM Discord channel. When you’re in there you can shoot the shit, lounge around Carl’s cock room, or get some comedic troubleshooting done.

Speaking of comedic lessons, you can check out one of Amir’s Comedy School posts to get some tips on how to tickle the funny bone of a potential mate, or in @belemo‘s case, how to tickle your own funny bone. (I think he calls it that because of its unnatural downward curve when erect.)
banana-1504956_960_720.png
(possibly a touch of jaundice as well.)(image source)

Something I don’t love is that I seem to be the only Canadian that is active in the COM Discord channel, so when I’m at the computer, all of the others are asleep. When I get up at 5 AM, I am just in time to say goodnight to everyone and then scroll through to see all the fun they had without me there.

I sense a lot of people thinking, ‘We always have more fun when you aren’t around.’ and to them, I say…

…nothing because it’s hard to talk through a veil of tears and dashed hopes of friendship.

So I’m calling on all Canucks to rally with me to defend this great injustice against our people. Everyone knows that we produce some of the finest comedy faces known to man.
Relic06.jpg
(Only a few, if any, will understand this.)(image source)

Screen-Shot-2017-06-28-at-1.55.05-PM-768x762.png
(I fucking hope these aren’t in order of importance, or someone’s got some splainin’ to do.)(image source)

Do any of you know the feeling of sending a bunch of inane messages into all the channels, only to be awakened by a series of dings at 9:30 PM?

What? I go to bed at 9. Fuck off, I’m old and have to get up at 5. I also forget to turn my ringer off most nights.

It’s not like the old days when I could party until 4 AM because I just got fired and my girlfriend wasn’t home. I really didn’t have to get up for anything. Also, I think I invented the girlfriend because I lived in a 1987 Dodge Caravan and liked to snort oven cleaner. Even if she was real, you know you couldn’t trust her.

Anyhow, I’m calling on all of you Canadians to rise to the occasion and submit an original entry to #comedyopenmic and show these fucking Aussies, Brits, Nigerians, Indonesians, Phlips, and Indians that we hosers know how to gut punch. I can feel their taunts.

Mostly because they actually type them out.
roast.JPG
(I thought they were giving me my own room, but it turns out they just really like Game Of Thrones.)

I know it’s mostly in jest, but it still hurts that I don’t have anyone here to mourn the loss of The Rick Mercer Report and Gord Downie with. There’s nobody here to lament about the constant rise of maple syrup prices or the collateral damage of beavers damming up the roadsides.

It’s a harsh reality and it’s mine.

Laugh if you will, because that is the ultimate goal of COM, but know this: winter is coming and we are going to be prepared for that motherfucker. We’ve got our cold weather gear at the ready and the kids(in the hall) are out there stacking firewood as we speak.

All we need now are your funnies to join the fight. If you don’t have a Steemit account, they’re free, so go get one HERE and while you’re waiting to get approved, start writing, singing or videoing??? your best comedy jabs. I don’t know about next week, but the grand prize this week is 55 SBD, which is close to $100 USD and I’m not good with math but that must be about $3700 CDN, right? You can buy a fleet of canoes, a large poutine, and a two-four with that.

You can find out more about it in this post right here

Comedy Open Mic Comedy Contest – Round 16

It’s a lot of fun and it makes Jerry fucking Banfield easier to take when you have comedy (and flaming red lips) to soften the blowjob.If you are on Steemit, what the hell are you waiting for? Get in here and rock out with your proverbial cock out. Also, get your ass in to vote @comedyopenmic as witness. It will make you feel good about yourself. Probably even negate that thing you did that’s been keeping you up at night.

Alright, I see @idikuci coming with the hook, so I guess that’s my time. Please help me, before they start throwing darts at pictures of Anne Murray and Gordon Lightfoot again. I can’t take any more of that blaspheme.

Keep rockin’, Gordie

 

Apr 07

Is My Brain Showing? Part 2

(from Steemit)
As you may remember, when we left our hero, he was signing some waivers saying that he refused ambulatory care because there was no fucking way he was going to spend the weekend in Youngstown.

bless-you-3090723_960_720.jpg
(How I picture a weekend in Youngstown)

Actually, it was Hubbard, but who ever heard of Hubbard, Ohio, except people from near Hubbard, Ohio.

Anyhow, it didn’t have anything to do with the town, as a long-haul trucker I didn’t get paid if the wheels aren’t turning. Also, there was the newly acquired head wound that I needed to get stitched up, but as any Canadian can tell you, you don’t go to a hospital in the US if you don’t have health insurance.

So my dilemma was that I had to get the load secured and back to Canada, where I wouldn’t have to pay to go to emergency. I figured that St. Catherines would be easier to get to with the truck than Niagara Falls, so this was my plan.

ytowntostcath.JPG

The warehouse guy came out and helped me chain down the rest of the load and I whipped over to the truck stop to weigh my axles.

They were out by a bit.

So I had to go back and get the load shifted ahead. By the time I got back to the truck stop, it was late afternoon and my head was pounding pretty bad. I also had to change my dressing and I was feeling really tired, so I thought I might grab a nap before heading north.

stormtrooper-2296199_960_720.jpg
(I thought they just left their dead and wounded.)

I should back up a bit and mention that throughout this time I was in contact with my boss who was urging me to go to the hospital and use his credit card. While I was screwing around he sent another driver that was passing through near me to stop in and see how bad I was.

He showed up in the truck stop washroom while I was trying to change my bandages.

blood-3192818_960_720.jpg
(It wasn’t this bloody, but close)

He said that Rudy was worried about me and asked if I needed help with the dressing. I said that I would really appreciate that as it is hard to work in the mirror.

He said that Rudy thought he could take me to the hospital and that he understood why after seeing my head. I guess the flap had crusted up pretty badly. He had the credit card and had already unhooked his trailer, so off we went to the hospital.

first-aid-850481_960_720.jpg
(It wasn’t quite this dramatic.)

When we got there we had to cross a picket line because the hospital was on strike. I wasn’t too worried about it until I saw the sign that said something about scab labor and my wound festering or something like that. Thanks, that’s fucking helpful.

When we got inside there was a lady doing the admitting, a pretty nurse, and a doctor from England. I guess they were the scabs. Oh well, lucky for me they were there.

first-aid-2411701_960_720.jpg
(I sure do love pixabay.com)

When the doctor saw me, he was a little perturbed that I had waited ten hours to come in. I guess there was a bit of rust or dirt still in there and he had to cut away some of the edges that were no good, but he got it stitched up. While he was stitching me up he asked where I was from.

I told him and he stopped what he was doing and asked me what the hell was with people in Canada. I said I didn’t know what he meant and he explained that since he had been there he had met three Canadians before me. One was the nurse, one was an elderly man that had been in a car accident and broke his leg and just wanted a splint put on it. Then there was a teenaged boy that was in a hockey tournament that had his eye socket fractured in the game that just wanted to get back to the arena for the last game. He said, “What do you guys think, you’re made of steel or something?”

first-aid-1732709_960_720.jpg
(Come on, these pictures are cute.)

I said, “No, what we’re not made of is money, and if we can make it four more hours we won’t be spending thousands of dollars here.”

He said that he thought I did this at work and when I replied that I had, he told me that it was all covered by worker’s compensation. I asked how much it would have cost and he figured about US$1200. Just to keep this face pretty.

scar.jpg
(Like how I used red to give it that real wound look?)

All in all, it was an above average run. Oddly not the worst one I had ever been on, but definitely not the best. The way I look at it is that I saved the company $1200 by getting hurt on the job and I didn’t even get a raise.

P.S. While I was looking around I found this at http://fox8.com/2017/07/29/hubbard-ohio-factory-owner-says-she-has-jobs-but-few-sober-applicants/

hubbard.JPG

If he’s going to MAGA, he should get the fuck to work.

Feb 17

Steemit

I don’t know if you’ve heard of it or not. I just heard about it a couple of weeks ago and joined up. It took a week to get my account approved, but it finally did and I started blogging there. My account is @profanereviews, but as I get rewards on there I plan on doing one up for Change The Topic as well.

It’s a pretty cool concept, as it’s a social media network built on a blockchain, so you get rewarded with Steem for posting and for curating content. It’s pretty complex, and I don’t know all the ins and outs, but basically you just find posts that you like and upvote them. Don’t waste your votes on shit though, because you only have a limited amount of voting power.

It’s been pretty good so far, and I’ve made about $20 in the last few days, which isn’t much for the work I’ve put in, but I’m just learning. Apparently if you can create consistent, original content that people like, you will gradually get more and more value out of the platform.

It’s really got me interested in writing again, so I’m posting some old reviews on there, but putting up a new story for every regurgitated one that I post. That was when I figured I would let you folks know about it. I think you can go on there and read any posts that you want, but if you want to upvote and comment, you need an account.

The accounts are free with a valid email and phone number, but just one per phone. After the first you have to either pay or use some of your rewards. I’m looking into just paying, but I know fuck all about cryptocurrency, so I will probably just build up and delegate. If it doesn’t take too long.

This was my introduce myself post, And I plan to write a bunch more, but they will probably mostly be on there, to try to build up my reputation and voting power. If you read this post, you will see that better curation is needed there and it’s up to the users to weed out the bad while upvoting the good. It’s just a side bonus that you can trade your Steem in for Bitcoin or other cryptocurrency, which you can then trade for cash, or apparently buy stuff with it. Like I said, I’m pretty ignorant about crypto, but I’m learning more every day.

Anyhow, if anyone is interested, check it out. It’s kind of neat, because everything is recorded and public, so if you make an account it’s there forever, along with anything you use the account for. Other than your email and phone number, you don’t have to use any personal information, so you can be pretty anonymous if you want to. I’ve never been the anonymous type, so I let it hang.

If you do join, let me know your username and I’ll follow you and help get you started.

Later, gators,

Birdman