Sep 06

Therapy Thursday

For this Therapy Thursday we have the lovely Lady E from the blog: Adventures in Estrogen. If you haven’t checked out her blog, you should do that now. I’m hoping that she will make a regular stop here, because I think that her style and sense of humour fit well with the general feeling of chaos that we have around here on a regular basis. I want to welcome her with open arms, and an outstretched penis, and I hope you will do the same. Well, if you have a penis. If not, maybe let her rub a tit or something. Oh, and GET PICTURES.

I recently become a father for the first time 2 months ago. Around a month before this, the mother of my child ended our relationship. This came completely out of the blue to me as there were no signs that anything was wrong. I attributed it to depression etc. Anything to rationalise it and convince myself it was temporary. I’ve since realised that, although she has told me I did nothing wrong and she acted solely on her feelings about the future, it was not a temporary thing and there genuinely is nothing more for us.

I’ve not had any sexual contact with anyone since this happened. The thought of it does not appeal to me, I feel incapable of differentiating between sex and making love and I don’t see myself ever loving anyone ever again the way I loved her. I don’t honestly see myself ever being able to be happy again.

I realise it’s early days but, how do you recommend I move my life forward when at the moment the idea of sex really does not appeal?

Dejected Daddy

I was a little speechless when I first got your letter, mostly because I can relate perhaps a little too well. It was going to be impossible to avoid all the reassuring clichés of encouragement with this situation, since it’s our initial go-to in our best attempt at being genuinely sympathetic. Let’s get them out of the way, shall we?

It gets better with time.”

Time heals all wounds.”

There’s plenty of fish in the sea.”

There’s light at the end of the tunnel.”

Blah, blah, motherfucking blah. Continue reading

Aug 30

Therapy Thursday

Dear Therapy Thursday:

So here’s my problem: my girlfriend has a big crush on Judge Judy and I just don’t get it. Can you help me understand?

Wishing It Was Oprah

Dear Wishing: I really struggled with this one. Part of me wants to tell you to run away, but then I realized that you might be lesbians, and I never want to see lesbians break up.

If you are a man, run for the hills, unless that’s where you already are, because, let’s face it, this is a pretty hillbilly dilemma, if I ever did see one.

If you are a lady, then I suggest a few different things, so read them all and choose whichever one makes you hornyhappy. Continue reading

Aug 23

Therapy Thursday

Dear TT: How do you tell someone nicely that they are being a whiny ass? I really couldn’t give a shit if this person remains in my life, but because of mutual friends, that they are family with, I feel like I need to keep the peace. However, for this to happen, I would like to address the fact that they are a huge douchecanoe, and hopefully help them become tolerable.
Sincerely, 
Not perfect – But close!

Dear Not Perfect: I would just let them have it. They really do need to know. It’s better if you can push them down on the ground first, just for intimidation sake. You then stand over them and kick them while you yell completely insane shit that no one else can understand. It can’t make any sense at all, kind of like religion, and then when you feel redeemed and that they have taken enough abuse, you pretend to snap out of it and come to your senses. You say that the Lord just came into your heart,and told you to quit hurting that person. You then reach down to help them up and whisper to them “If you ever whine again, I will cut your fucking heart out and eat it.” Continue reading

Aug 22

Old Tweeters From Smarty

You realize that this means there will be some offensive shit in here, right? Just making sure you know.

I was looking at the Twitter today, and noticed that the old Smarty account had been hacked. Then I realized that I don’t even remember what email or password I used back then. I guess huffing all of that WD-40 wasn’t as good of an idea as I had thought.
You can say what you want about huffing, but it led to the invention of these tweets, so take that with a grain of salt, you can also take a shot of tequila with a grain of salt, but I recommend that you don’t snort it.
Now, here we go with the first batch of twits, tweeters, or tweets (whatever you call them)
  • I like the term “disturbing sex assault”. What’s a non disturbing sex assault like? Does it involve kissing and foreplay?
  • I wonder if Tim Hortons formulates their breakfast sandwiches to produce explosive farts, or if they just lucked out on it.
  • Sometimes when I’m tired, I seem very angry. It’s because I am.
  • Some days, I wish Chad Kroeger would soothe his raspy throat with a load of semen. Then choke on it. Soulless bastard.
  • Is [easyazon_link identifier=”B006MOPOFO” locale=”US” tag=”granligh-20″]Patio Lanterns[/easyazon_link] a slow song, or a fast song? Damn you [easyazon_link identifier=”B000065IE5″ locale=”US” tag=”granligh-20″]Kim Mitchell[/easyazon_link], for adding to my teen angst.
  • How many people have had sex with a bag lady in a fridge box? Really? Just me? Wow, I would have thought Ferg had for sure.
  • They’re coming home as you are waking up, easier for them to make you breakfast and chop you up a line#reasonslotlizardsmakegoodgirlfriends

Just why the fuck not? How else are you going to get a $20 blow job in a truckstop?

 

Aug 16

Therapy Thursday

Well, we have a busy one today, so let’s try to get through it in a timely fashion. I was hit with three problems this afternoon, and as much as I love doing this, it would be nice to get them a little earlier. Anyhow, beggars can’t be choosers, so here we go.

 

Dear Therapy Thursday: This is about my boyfriend and I. We’ve been dating for almost 3 months now. I was just wondering, is there a rule as to how long a couple should wait to introduce each others kids? We are both seemingly in love, and I’m ready, but he seems to be holding back…not sure if this is something you would write about but there you go.

Anxiously Pacing

This is a tricky one, and I am likely going to ruffle a few feathers here.  I realize that people want to settle down and start integrating the new family as soon as possible, but I urge you to hold on for a bit longer.  Introducing your kids to new partners too early can run the risk of introducing them to a string of potential suitors who never actually make it into the qualifying round of the Commitment Game.  Yeah, I’m going there.  Are you going to marry this guy?  Would you want to?  If the answer is ‘no’ or ‘I’m not sure’, then it is too early to be introducing anyone as more than a friend to your kids. Continue reading