Oct 18

Therapy Thursday

Before we get to today’s problem, I just want to say that I was taken aback the other day when I clicked onto one of my favourite blogs and saw my name there. If you look directly above this, you will see a makeshift drawing in rudimentary colours. Bryan did that up for me when they were doing their Kickstarter for their newest book: Dead and Moaning in Las Vegas. I’m sure most of the regulars here have checked them out, but for any of you that haven’t, you should go and do that right now. Don’t worry, Smarty will be here when you get back. He might not have as many brain cells, but luckily he doesn’t need them to be an asshole.

It was really a surprise and an honour to be mentioned on their hallowed walls, and I hope that some day I can repay the favour to them. It’ll probably be bailing them out of a TJ jail after a donkey show gone bad, but whatever it is, I hope I can put a smile on their faces like they put on mine.

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Dear Birdman,

I’ve been sort of dating this guy for a few years now, but I have always been suspicious that he’s sleeping around on me. We rarely go out in public, he’s always playing jai alai with his buddies, or going out drinking and golfing. I see him once a week if I’m lucky, but it’s always at his place or mine.

My friends all think I’m nuts, but I can see that he’s opening up a little to me each year. He’s been caught on a few occasions lying, or not showing up when he is supposed to. When I confront him about it, he always has an excuse for why he lied or didn’t make it. I guess it’s my fault for wanting more out of the relationship than a quick lay almost every week, when I know he has trust issues. Once I thought I caught him fucking around, and he turned it around on me, saying that I was suspicious because I probably am having an affair. I’m not! I wouldn’t do that.

Anyhow, I want to know what you think I should do. Should I wait it out and see if he comes around? He says that I’m important to him and he’s really fond of me. That’s good, for him to be fond of me. Right? I think he needs a little space to hang out and see if he’s ready to commit to a few days a week. We have really good sex, and I’d hate to lose that.

Confused in Connecticut

Continue reading

Oct 11

Therapy Thursday

Dear Birdman and the Missus,
One of my buddies recently proposed to his girlfriend.  They have been dating for just under 2 years, and I was actually the one to introduce the two of them (I had a girlfriend at the time, saw her, and basically threw the two of them together).  But after they started dating, I realized that I strongly disliked her for her immature demeanor and manipulative ways.  My buddy moved in with her, and I never really expressed my dislike for her, as it didn’t really seem my place.  He asked me to be his best man, and it is at this point that I feel a strong impulse to say something to him.  Because if I was really his best man, shouldn’t I have said something two years ago?  And if I let him go through with it, what the hell am I supposed to say for my speech?
Sincerely,
Worst Best Man

Dear Worst,

You seem like a very nice guy, so I am going to give you the benefit of my own mistakes.  You have to look at this from your buddy’s point of view.  He’s found a woman who he loves, and who lets him have sex with her on an at least semi-regular schedule.  This is choice, and if it is to be the mother of all mistakes, he’ll figure that out soon enough.  Unfortunately for you, you are going to have to sit this one out in the sidelines until it all goes down eventually.  You can take your friend aside and finally come clean that you think his lady is manipulative and immature, but you aren’t going to get a friendly pat on the back for it.  In fact, you may very well alienate him and cause him to feel like he has to choose between your friendship and his fiancé.  I don’t think I have to tell you which way he’s likely to go on that choice. Continue reading

Sep 27

Therapy Thursday

Dear Therapy Thursday:

My wife isn’t a big fan of oral, but she’ll do it from time to time. How do I get her to do more blowies?

Not Sleeping Well

Dear Not Sleeping: I’m going to need a little more background, because you left me with a 28 word question. How the fuck am I supposed to know any details with that brief of an outline?

Would you go to your doctor and say: “Sometimes I piss and it feels like I’m cleaning my urethra with 80 grit sandpaper, how do I make it not do that all the time? See you later. Please call me and leave a message with the answer.”?

Hey, it was the best I could do on short notice. (18 minutes)

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Sep 13

Therapy Thursday

Therapy Thursday, please help!

I’ve been having microdermabrasion appointments over the last handful of months. Now, I want to stop for a couple of reasons – 1. I’m trying to cut back on some of my spending and 2. The technician I was going to is now only available on Mondays, which is a day that doesn’t work for me. For some reason, I never really know how to “break up” with these type of service people. I have called to cancel my next appointment, but I told her that I’d call her later to reschedule. I really don’t want to reschedule, but (and I know this is all in my head) I think the technician is holding me to that phone call. Why am I such a damn idiot? Why do I have such a hard time just saying “look, your schedule doesn’t work for me. Oh yeah, and I’m poor”???

Buying A Loofah

Dear Buying,

I don’t see the problem here.  It’s not like you are cheating on your microdermabrasion practitioner with a cuter, smarter, better-looking version.  You don’t have the money, and the timing isn’t good for appointments.  Frankly, either is a good reason not to go, and as a trained professional, she shouldn’t take it personally.  Even if you DO decide to go to someone else, it’s a personal decision and you have the right to try as many people as you Continue reading
Sep 07

Old Tweeters From Smarty #2

  • Let’s do some math, equate a x 2 where a is equal to me poking your eye out. The answer is you are blind.
  • Ladies, if you’re having sex with me, there is no need to point out how small my organ is. I already know, I see it every day 🙁
  • Oh Taco Bell, it’s been so long. I hope you stay inside me until I get home. I hate dumping in a public toilet.
  • Don’t know what’s in Gold Bond, and I don’t care. Anything that can give such a sweet,soothing burn to my septic, rancid crotch is ok by me.
  • I think I’ve lost my ability to cry during sad movies. This is good because it will prevent people from rubbing my vagina in the theatre.
  • Sometimes I think I’d like to break into mainstream porn, then I remember Ron Jeremy cornered the fat, hairy guy market, and I have no dick.
  • If I ever end up going to prison, I’m going to watch tons of gay porn. When you’re as small as me, you need to be a specialist in something
  • If I ever have to survive in the wild, I hope there are pigs there. If I have to eat bits of my own shit, I’d like them bacon wrapped.
  • When I die, I hope it’s protecting a case of cheese cakes from a band of rowdy vagabonds.
  • When all is said and done, I will still be lubing up and enjoying my own company, mostly because women find me repulsive.
  • I really would fuck a rock pile if I thought there was a snake in it.
  • I would also fuck a snake if you would hold it for me.
  • Can a leper slip’n’slide on dry linoleum? If so, I don’t feel bad for them anymore. #lepersarecool
  • I was once forced to kiss the pope’s ring. By pope, I mean priest, and by ring I mean scrotum.
  • If I have a choice between shitting, and getting off the pot, I will choose shitting almost every time.
  • Sometimes, when I’m feeling blue, I like to pick myself up by piercing kittens ears and putting big gold hoops in. Very pretty
  • I think, out of all of the birds of prey that I’ve eaten, the condor was the most tender.
  • If I get my legs chopped off in an accident, I want to get one of those skateboard things that the homeless vets have. They’re fucking cool.
  • I think it should be law that Taco Bell have at least 2 ply toilet paper in their washrooms, and they should throw some in with each meal.
  • 7 days is too long to have a festering sore on ones rectum. I hope Uncle Ron gets in to see about that.
  • If I had to kill one of the 7 dwarves to make an example, I’d kill Happy. Now who’s gonna lift your spirits? Stupid dwarves.
  • If you had to have sex with someone from Barney Miller, who would it be? I’d pick Fish because it’s Sal Tessio for fuck sake, and he’s hot.
  • I’ve often wondered how much you need to drink to be cum drunk, and does it matter what kind of semen you drink?
  • It’s amazing how seamlessly you can introduce a goat into your morning sex, when you put your mind to it
  • As tasty as a wholegrain blueberry muffin is, they aren’t always a good choice when you have to drive all day. #notenoughtoilets
  • Always check for anal fissures before inserting segmented citrus fruits in your rectum
  • The good thing about dating the elderly is the accessibility of fibre and getting the proper amount of sleep.
  • I will gladly blow you Tuesday, for a cheeseburger today.
  • I hope someday, that my skin tags will fight each other in a turf war for the good parts of my body. Right now it’s just for the armpits.
  • I once leg wrestled Tatum O’Neal for a bag of weed and 3 condoms.
  • I think to truly appreciate your life, you need to live for a week with a rummy. Not me, some other rummy, I’m busy collecting cans.
  • You know it was a good fart when you drop an inch in your waist size.
  • To the man using the washroom after me at the Port Hope Tim Horton’s; I’m so fucking sorry dude. I ate chocolate for breakfast.
  • A fun game to play is – Guess what meat is in the coffee truck sandwich. My guess on the Italian meatball? Italian male 50-70 years old.
  • I think I’m bunged up. The turd that’s been rolling around in my shorts since Friday hasn’t broke down at all.
  • Sometimes I get bored. Now I have to try and figure out how to remove a sideways pencil eraser from my nostril.
  • Sometimes, when I’m lonely, I like to draw a face on my goiter and pretend it’s my friend. Her name is Mary and she’s a prostitute.
  • #neveragain will I fall for the holy piccolo trick again. I hate you Father O’Leary
  • #neveragain will I snort Borax and mouse shit
  • When it comes to sexual intercourse, I’d like to think I’m a porn star. Unfortunately, I’m more like a grade 10 band nerd.
  • #neveragain will I put a forked metal rod in my urethra and attach a car battery to it. That smarts
  • If I won the lottery, I’d travel the 3rd world countries reversing the work of missionaries. Stupid missionaries.
  • I’m getting @DavidHasselhoff drunk at some point this weekend.
  • I’m bored, I think I need to bang a hippie or something.
  • Well, I got my nuts and ass all washed up. Which lucky escort service will be the recipient of my phone call at midnight?

There’s another lazy post. I sure hope you all enjoy it over the weekend. You know, because you have nothing better to do.

Shake shake shake, shake shake shake, shake your booty, shake your booty,

Birdman