Dear Therapy Thursday:
What’s crackalackin’? Haha that’s a funny saying. Okay.
I’m not accustomed to asking for advice, but I’m in a bit of a pickle.
You see, I like to party. A lot. The problem is who I party with. Every time I am taking a haul off of a doobie, or playing vodka pong, one of my buddies is snapping a pic or shooting some video. I’m sure that they would never betray me, but it still puts me on edge. My brother is really worried about it, but I keep telling him I have it under control. I told him that my friends are real steady guys and would never say anything about me drinking and doing a bit of dope to take the edge off. I guess he just worries because I’m the baby and he’s seen me in action before.
My problem is that I have a pretty important job that requires a lot of critical thinking and the people that I
rule oversee don’t really like me very much, so I’ve been really hitting it hard for the past year or so. We’ve been able to turn people’s heads by deflecting attention and the occasional white lie, but they are really starting to watch me now.
Okay, I might have smoked something a bit stronger than hash on a video, and it may or may not have been leaked and stolen. It looks like I might lose my job, but I really really don’t want to. It’s super easy and I can do it mostly from my cell phone in the car. (Don’t worry, I’m getting a bluetooth soon.) I just wish people would leave me alone for one more year. I really don’t know why, but my bro says that we need it to fulfil our agenda. Whatever the fuck that is.
What was I talking about again? Oh yeah. I don’t want to quit my job or apologize for anything, but I also don’t want to get any help, because I really love getting hammered. It’s such a great feeling to be staggering along Danforth, sampling all kinds of different food. You know, those foreigners really can cook a mean souvlaki.
Oh yeah, the advice thing. I’m getting a lot of media attention now, and I’m well known for some of the most unflattering photos on the internet. What I need advice on is how to look a bit better in photographs. I’m what my doctor calls morbidly obese, but my friend “Al” says I’m cuddly. I’m pretty sure that I would trust a friend over a doctor any day, so please tell me how a cuddly guy should pose better for pictures.
I’m going to come out and address the elephant in the room.
You have a substance abuse problem. Really.
It also sounds like you should take a break from whatever it is that you do and maybe go see a doctor, yogi, or whatever other person can get you healthy. You need to get your head clear before making any decisions that could affect other people’s lives. That’s just the decent thing to do.
You want to do the right thing, don’t you?
I’m sure you do, but in your booze addled brain, you just keep digging your hole deeper. Don’t you want to be free?
If you just tell everyone the truth, with heartfelt humility, people will forgive you. They won’t probably want you in their lives, but at least they will be able to view you as more than just a lying piece of dog shit. You can rebuild from there, but only if you’re totally honest.
You will feel like two thousand pounds was lifted from your shoulders.
Anyhow, I’m going to refer you to Mrs. Birdman for the photo thing. It’s kind of what she does.
Trouble ahead, trouble behind, and you know that notion just crossed my mind,
I understand your panicky interest in being photographed in an unflattering manner. If you are like most men, you have never actually been photographed in a flattering light, so it’s curious that you care all of a sudden. Regardless, I am going to give you a few tips.
Lets start with clothing. Avoid white shirts with belted pants if you are paunchy, that transition never goes well. A smart jacket over everything will make you feel at least a few pounds lighter, even if it does add to your considerable (I suspect) bulk.
Another thing to remember is that you should always try to avoid being photographed from unflattering angles. The only way to play it safe is to fall to the ground every time a camera approaches. This way you will always be ‘looking up’ into the cameras lens, offering your slimmest angle. Unfortunately you will also seem to have some sort of problem remaining upright, which may not be as beneficial for your career or work place productivity. It’s really your call here.
Finally, try to remain as happy and pleasant with people as possible so you are always photographed with a lovely expression. Considering the amount of narcotics you seem to consume, this shouldn’t be very challenging.
Good luck out there. It sounds like you will need it. :S
My friend Baby Doc texted me to bring some friends down to Haiti and he will let us stay with him if we help him with a coup. He must have a bunch of chickens running wild at his place or something. I met him in Quebec I think. I don’t know, people were smoking and talking French, but it did seem like a long plane ride. He was always surrounded by broads and he had the best blow, so I was like “Chickens and coke? I’m already there. Let’s get this party jumping”
Dude, you should totally come with.