Aug 27

Just Swear And Blaspheme Already, For The Love Of Fucking Christ

Crap, darn, frick, frig, jeepers creepers, goldangit, jeez

So, I know and like a lot of religious people. Doesn’t make me a bad person. One of the things I see a lot is that most of them swear like that.

As if it makes them a better person in the eyes of their lord.

Alright, now let’s say that the bible is correct, God does exist, and he is all powerful and all knowing, just like you all think he is. Do you think you’re fooling him by saying “gosh darn it”?

No God damn way. He knows exactly what you mean.

How about jeepers creepers or jeez?

Nope, Jesus knows that you mean him, and worse yet, so does his dad. His dad gets pissed off real easy too. Don’t think that having a child has chilled that angry, old man out. He may have toned it down a bit for the New Testament, but believe you me, he’s still got a mean streak, and it gets worse when he’s drinking.

Sinners!!!

Yes, God and Jesus both know you are taking their names in vain, and they are even angrier with you for trying to fool them.

Think of it like high school; a bully is talking to you and you are telling them how much you like them and how cool they are, but really you think they are an asshole.

You know what happens next? Oh yeah, you do.

You go to a party, drink half a bottle of rye, and start talking about how you’d kick the living piss out of that big bitch. You might even add in that you already did hang a licking on them a few years back, and they are still scared of you.

Oh yeah, you’re the big man/woman on campus now, with everyone crowding around asking for your autograph and shit, and that’s when it hits you. A massive fist, followed by several more, and as you start getting closer to the ground, the feet begin their frenzied Riverdance all over your head, torso and occasionally your tender bits.

This is exactly what is going to happen to you when God and his posse get a hold of you, except it will be the Devil laying the beating on your ass.

There is a silver lining

Luckily for me, I don’t believe in God, so I’m safe and free to live my life without fear of persecution from a higher power. I can blaspheme all day long if I want to, and I sometimes do.

Jesus H Christ, I hope I’m right about the God not existing thing or it’s gonna be a hot old afterlife for this hombre. Just in case I am incorrect in my assumption, I’d like to get all of the Christians to pray for me and my soul. Don’t get me wrong, I still want to end up in Hell, but I’d like to get a cushier job and maybe some perks, like A/C or maybe a sweet log cabin by a lake for my holidays.

As for the swearing part, you should just swear. Why would you want to “diet cuss”? The words mean the exact same thing.

Well, except for “frig”. I have yet to hear someone say “I took her home and frigged the crap out of her.”. It just sounds wrong.

I’m not saying that nobody says it, I just haven’t heard it, and I’ve met a lot of people that take women home.

Why is “shit” any different than “crap”?

It’s not, and never will be. They can both mean feces, trouble, or bad. Why is shit wrong to say around some people then? I don’t know either, but it is. Just ask my old Sunday School teacher.

Also, should we be checking our language when we are around the gentle people?

I’m guilty of it but with me, it’s a respect thing. If I know that someone doesn’t swear, I try not to swear around them.

I just don’t like making people feel uncomfortable. I would, however, like to raise everyone else’s comfort level up to mine, just so I can be myself around them. I have a foul mouth, and no matter how I try to word things, they always mean the same thing in the end. What’s the point of mincing words, when you can say it all with a really good cuss? Another thing I like to do is to emphasize the curse words when I use them. I think it makes me funnier and scarier.

I think we all can agree that I could stand to be both.

In conclusion, my brothers and sisters: Go forth on your journey of enlightenment, and attend any church on Sunday. While you are there, make sure to say in a moderately loud voice,“I’m not taking any more of your God damn bullshit, Jesus, so you can go to Hell.”, and feel a great weight lift off of your shoulders.

I’m just kidding. If you are in church, you should just whisper that shit. It’s quite rude to speak out of turn there. When you are done at church, head over to an AA meeting and enjoy some cookies and grape drink. Oh, and say hi to Abe for me. I miss that drunken, old prick.

P.S. @profanereviews is not responsible for any smitings (or is it smotings?), beatings or rapes by religious zealots, or any other harm that may befall you in the event that somebody can’t take a fucking joke.

May 06

God’s Plan (for a residual income)

(I posted this on Steemit last week and just got the payout, so figured I’d put it up here. I shouldn’t have to warn you, but it’s pretty lewd.)

So we know that God has a plan for us all, but does anyone know what it is?

I might have a little insight here.

I figured this out while I was reminiscing about my short time in Amway. I remembered their old mantra that you would hear and say every time you or someone else was showing “The Plan”

Me – You – Six – Four – Two, Me – You – Six – Four – Two, Me – You – Six – Four – Two

So basically what you have to do is show the plan to six or seven hundred of your once closest friends and hope that six of them join up under you and stay in long enough to sign four of their friends up. You would hope that this was it, but those four have to each sign two more people up so that it looks something like this.
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(Sure, it’s all legal, but so is dumping small amounts of chemicals in our rivers and lakes.)

Now everyone, except other Amway people, either hate your guts or pity you because you lost your fucking mind and joined Amway. Either way, you have to do this if you want to have a passive income. You have to work really hard for a while, then you just rest on your laurels while the money trickles in.

Sounds easy, right?

God thought it was.

Originally he was hanging out with his buddy, smoking weed and they were trying to figure out how they could have wealth without doing much work.

His buddy tells him to create a sim world with the 3D printer and spawn a couple of people to start a population, so he does. They figure the people will be so happy to be alive on this new world that they will surely offer some of what they have, and will pass it on to their kids, who will pass it on to their kids and so on, and so on.

But they don’t and shit goes a bit wonky for a while.

Then Abraham and Lot came along, and God recruited those simpletons.

And God saw that it was good.

He could tell that they would believe anything he told him, so he would whisper things to them. Usually, it was things that would get a population going and get some money flowing in, but sometimes he was an idiot.

Like the time he came home and smoked some fucking opium in his room and then saw Lot’s daughters looking all sultry and bored. The fucking guy yells, “You sluts should get your pops drunk and bang his old ass.”
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(Yayyyy, Daddy’s home!)

Sometimes he’d come home fucked up on acid and get intensly weird. He told Abraham to kill his kid a few times when he was being a whiny bitch.

One time Abe almost did it, but God saw that he was serious and stopped him.

Phew! Dead babies aren’t going to be bringing folks to the light anytime soon.

Abe and Lot didn’t bring much to the fold, but after a bit of begatting, along came Moses. He was one handsome bastard, let me tell you, and smooth as fuck.

God could see that this hustlin’ cocksucker was going to get him paid, so he laid out a few guidelines, threw some thunder, clouds and fire pillars around and let him have his head. Fucking Moses made up the rest on his feet.

In no time, he was raking it in. Gold, brass, carbuncles; and he was burning up all kinds of critters. God sure did love the smell of burning flesh. It reminded him of when his grandfather used to debeak the chickens on the farm. You know, before the bank took it away.

Well, before you could say Stompin’ Tom Connors, the whole middle east was loaded with Jews, and they were all giving ten percent of their shit to Moses’ downline. Sure, everyone got a cut on the way up, but God was still making two points on everything coming through Moses and a few stragglers on Lot’s side.

And God saw that it was fucking great.

aircraft-2975017_960_720.png
He could sit around and do fuck all now. He bought the Magnum Ferrari, a fucking nice Cessna, and most of Gary, Indiana. He even bought the mortgage on his parent’s house, booted them out and burned it down. That’ll teach those uppity cunts to call him lazy.

Keep spreading the good word, you crazy fuckers.

Birdman

Apr 23

Prayer is Actually Very Useful

 So I woke up this morning and there was a crazy message on my computer. I saw that a whole lot of people had left the chat and as I scrolled through, I read that an old friend from high school was in trouble and needed help. I also saw that in between leaving the conversation there were a lot of these before the person left the group.

At first I was pissed off, but then I realised how brilliant that is. I should never have denounced religion when I was old enough to think for myself, because…

It can get you out of social responsibilities!

I mean seriously, check it out:

“Hey man, we lost our jobs and got kicked out of our apartment. Is there anything you can do to help? I’ll pay you back as soon as we get back on our feet.”

I’ll pray that God finds someone else to help you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Or:

“Hey, it’s actually been really hard this winter. I could sure use a friend right now. It’s to the point where I can hardly get out of bed in the morning, and I think my wife is going to leave me. Maybe we could grab a coffee and talk?”

I can’t because I have a thing, but I’ll pray that God gives you strength.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Another one might go like:

I heard about your son’s accident. I’ll pray that God spares him any pain. Except for the pain he has already caused him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know that I’m being petty, and most people don’t know how to help, so they say that they will pray for the afflicted. That’s a nice sentiment, but how the fuck is it going to help?

Going by percentages, how many of your prayers get answered? If it’s more than 30% you aren’t praying for hard things like curing cancer or the Leafs winning the Stanley Cup.

Prayer is merely wishing, and if you actually believe that God has a plan for everything, then what are you praying for? If you don’t know how to help, ask. If they need money and you don’t have it, see if there is anything else you can do.I’m sure they understand being broke, because they are there as well.

Maybe you could pray that God gives you a shitload of money so you could lend them some, or you could go to your church and see if they can help out in any way. They probably won’t, because unless it’s a tithing member of said church, they usually don’t have a lot of use for poor people.

Relax!

I said “probably” and “usually”. I know that your church isn’t like the other churches. It stands for everything that Jesus stood for, and that is nothing but peace and love. Your church doesn’t even follow the Old Testament, that’s how progressive they are.

My point here isn’t that you should feel obligated to help. What I’m trying to get across is that instead of clicking the emoji for prayer, try typing  the words out and use the person’s name before leaving the conversation for greener pastures. Maybe that’s what they need is to know that you actually care. You could also just leave and get on with your life. You can’t help everyone, and maybe you just exhausted your resources. Whatever.

Better yet, start a conversation. That’s been a great help to a lot of people. Just knowing that you aren’t alone is sometimes enough to make something horrible seem a little more bearable. You’ll probably feel a lot better yourself.

Birdman

P.S.

You’ll get a lot more production out of this emoji

Aug 22

Is Everybody Fucked?

wpid-mindofbirdman.jpg

You can take that question in a few different directions.

I look at the American elections, cringe, and ask myself if everybody is fucked in the head.

On one hand, you have a lying, orange, narcissist who absolutely cannot be trusted with the future of the country, but possibly will be, because of the other hand.

Over there sits a corrupt, lying, deceiver who also cannot be trusted with the future of the country.

I wish you had a third hand, America. You could put Jill Stein in it. I think Bernie Sanders would have been better, but he sold out and backed his party’s shitheel candidate. I think that Jill Stein is a better choice than either of the other two, but we all know that she hasn’t got a hope in hell of becoming the Chief Cook and Bottle Washer of that once great, and hopefully great once again, nation.

She just doesn’t have the backing of big business, or really anybody, other than some regular people who are fed up with all of the shit going on down there.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not just the States that are dealing with this shit, it’s just that they are in the limelight at the moment. We have our own highly corrupt bunch of talking suits here, as does almost every other “civilised” country on this once great planet, but right now, this buffonery is taking centre stage.

I really hope that something happens with the collective consciousness down there, and that somehow you can turn this shitshow around, because as your most Anglicized neighbours, we really want to be able to look to you for hope.

Hope to destroy the TPP, race wars, religious control of politicians, and all other forms of greed and corruption at all levels of government.

We would also like to see what freedom looks like again. We hope you can show us.

Which brings up another possible interpretation of the question:

Are we all fucked now? Is there any hope that the world will ever know peace? Is there a chance that we will ever be able to rid ourselves of the holier than thou image that most religions put in our heads?

I’m better than you, because my Bible tells me that I’m going to heaven. (Unless my god really can see inside my head, or what I did in Vegas last year.) All Muslims are filthy terrorists. Jews are trying to take over the world’s finances, and don’t even get me started on the gays. Why can’t they just go live on an island or stay in their closets? They’re an abomination in the eyes of the Lord.

To get the Muslim point of view, replace Bible with Quran, Muslims with Christians, terrorists with infidels, and the Lord with Allah.

You get the point.

Anyhow, I’m going to just keep building the chicken coop, tending to the worm farms and gardens, cuddling in with my baby at night, and hoping we wake up on Lasqueti Island.

It’s harder for The Man to find you there.

Peace

Feb 29

God Is Great, Grief Is Good, And Injuns Are Crazy

Originally published December 17th, 2012

mindofbirdman

I’ve had a lot of things on my mind since last week. Newtown was one of them.

Yep, I’m taking the cheap post. I told myself that I wasn’t going to glorify it by even mentioning the occurrence, but it won’t leave me alone, so here we are.

The day after the killing, a friend of mine put this photo up on Facebook with the note: “Well said.”

397171_525227097500893_1486481420_n

This was all it took. Hey, I’m not saying I don’t have issues.

Yep, that was all it was. I really like the guy, too, but at that moment I was just sickened by this shitty message. I didn’t even think about it. I copied it, then pasted it into the blog’s page with a caption about how disgusted I was with it. I then went and deleted him as a friend, because I couldn’t believe he would be so callous as to put this up after such a horrible tragedy. I’m a huge advocate of “If you don’t like me, delete me”, as opposed to I’m going to tell you how wrong you are, because you don’t share my views. Continue reading