Feb 20

Slip Slidin’ Away

birdmandesk

So after a couple of peaceful days, I was starting to get calmed down. We let the dogs out before bed and then drifted off into a peaceful dreamland.

Until 11:40. That’s when Blue started pacing. I woke up instantly and ran him outside before he started pissing in the bedroom. After letting him back in, we got back into bed and drifted off again.

Until 12:45. That’s when the retching started. Luckily I caught it before there was enough saliva to soak through the sheet into the mattress. I ran him outside and waited for a few minutes, in nothing but my underwear, until he was whining to get back in. I figured that I would put him on the couch, as we just got new bedding that day, and didn’t want it soaked with puke.

As I was walking back to the bedroom I heard the retching again and bolted for the living room to see him with his back arched and mouth wide open. I called for him to come, but he was indisposed, so I picked him up and started running for the hall with him convulsing against my chest.

I thought I was home free until my feet shot out from underneath me and I went backwards, bouncing my head off of the maple dresser that the TV sits on as the dog flew forward down the hall. When I came to, he had just finished upchucking what was left in the middle of the floor. I got up and slipped again falling in front of the door with Dover barking behind it. I think he smelled all of the food on the other side, but was upset that he couldn’t eat it. I let Blue outside and started cleaning the walls and floor with a bath towel that was in the dirty clothes. I went outside and shook the moist kibble out off the deck and went back to get the cleaner and some paper towels to get the rest of the grossness off of everything. After twenty minutes of scrubbing with a splitting headache and what I thought was a broken foot, I let Blue back in and went to the shower to get the mashed nuggets and drying grasses out of my hair and skin.

I crawled into bed at 1:15 to a sleeping wife, who woke up and asked why I showered again. I started to explain, but she was quickly out like a light.

Fast forward to about 7:45 when I heard a shriek. “DOVER PEED ON MY IPAD.”

It figures. Par for the course. Needless to say, I was at the lady’s house where I got Dover’s kennel and bought the bigger one for Blue. They will be learning to enjoy sleeping next to each other in the living room from now on.

Birdman

May 05

Furry Fandom?

birdmandesk

So I went back and read the old post, How To Properly Shag A Sheep today. I still get a kick out of it, and the fact that roughly thirty people a day, every day read that post.

It’s the sole reason that some ad companies keep sending me emails. I hadn’t written in a year, but still consistently got over a thousand hits a month from all sorts of people.

Sadly, a lot of them got there by searching for phrases like, but not limited to:

  • how to fuck sheep
  • can man fuck sheep
  • sheep vagina
  • sex with sheep

When I got to the end of the post, I noticed a bunch of comments that I hadn’t seen before. One of them, I found kind of odd and disturbing.

kobidobi

Needless to say, I responded in anger at someone who is into zoophilia calling me wicked for being froward.1)adjective 1. (of a person) difficult to deal with; contrary. *I had to look it up.* I’m still trying to figure out what any of this has to do with the Lannisters.

So anyhow, I was on this pinhead’s profile and saw a bunch of posts and videos about people dressed as stuffed animals, and while I stared at the sheer volume of them, Mrs. B came to kiss me good night. I asked her to look at it and she said, “Yeah, they’re furries. It’s a real thing.”

I, of course, had to look into it. It’s real, with conventions and everything else. People have costumes that can cost more than $10000 and some of them have sex with the costumes on. Crazy, huh? I mean, I could understand it if they were Wookies or Storm Troopers, because everybody does that. Right?

Of course I’m kidding. I don’t care who you choose to have sex with, as long as they are into it too. Dress up as Toto, and have your partner be Dorothy for all I care. Hump the living shit out of her leg and leave a stain on the ruby slippers. Fly your freak flag high and proud, I say.

Do not have sex with real animals.

I know, I shouldn’t have to tell you that, but obviously it needs to be said. Go and look at the thread with the idiot and I. He seems to think that it’s okay to have sex with whatever you want, which brings me back to the furries.

the survey was replicated in 2008, and it found 17% of respondents reported zoophilia. The older lower results, which are even lower than estimated in the general population, were due to the methodology of questioning respondents face-to-face which led to social desirability bias.

That’s from the Furry Fandom Wikipedia page.

What the fuck is wrong with people? I know that Blue loves me more than probably anything2)with the exception of eating garbage and smelling things, but I’m certain that he does not want me to fuck him.

I’m absolutely sure of it.

I’ve had lots of female dogs over the years, and many had been in heat, but not once did any of them lift her tail and puff up her vagina to lure me in. Not one time.

Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t fuck her even if she was asking for it in concise English. I am not into it, but that’s just me. Call me a prude.

This kobidobidog seems to be okay with it though. Unless he’s a troll, but I don’t think so. There’s too much evidence of him being really into it.

So there it is. I’m going to let the dog out for a pee, and go curl up with my sweet mama. She’s been waiting for several hours.

Word to your moms,

Birdman

Awesome footnotes   [ + ]

1. adjective 1. (of a person) difficult to deal with; contrary. *I had to look it up.*
2. with the exception of eating garbage and smelling things
Apr 21

Trophy Hunters-The Game

birdmandesk

So I follow Ricky Gervais on Twitter, and he recently had a go at a trophy hunter on there.

  He posted this later. I suppose to explain his stance.

 And this one, which resonates with me.  

It’s a well documented spat, and it’s getting people pretty heated on both sides of the debate. Although I don’t agree with trophy hunting at all; I also don’t agree with shooting trophy hunters and raping their children, which is apparently what some people have threatened Rebecca Francis with since this feud began.

That’s just wrong.

It’s not her children’s fault that she’s their mother. It’s her parent’s fault. As for killing her, I think that I’ve come up with a (probably) legal solution to everybody’s dilemmas.

Wait for it………

A trophy hunter video game!

Yes, I know that there are plenty of trophy hunting video games on the market, but is there one that allows you to hunt other trophy hunters?

Picture it:

You could follow the hunter’s convoy from the guide’s place and sneak in after them. Once they stop for lunch and the trackers go on up ahead, you affix your silencer and begin your prone position crawl through the underbrush to where you can take the *fingers crossed* lethal shot and still have time to get the professional hunter and the trophies of your kill.

Oh yeah, there’s trophies.

Of course you need to mummify it. They will stink if you don't.

Of course you need to mummify it. They will stink if you don’t.

Once you get them mummified, you can add them to your collection.

If you drill out the core and add a stick of graphite, you will have a pretty unique pencil.

If you drill out the core and add a stick of graphite, you will have a pretty unique pencil.

I think that it will work out pretty good if we can get the animal rights people going on it. I’d give 90% of the yearly profits could go to VETPAW and Cruelty Free International, with the other 10% going to development of new games. What do you think about Backyard Breeder Beat Down for a title? It has a nice ring to it. Maybe the third could be called Matador Mayhem, where you get to hide outside of the bullfight ring and jump the bullfighters when they try to leave.

They sound awesome, right? I thought so too.1)Does anyone know any game developers? I have the ideas, but that’s about it.

While we’re on the subject of justice, did you hear about Ian Gibson, the professional hunter that was trampled by a bull elephant that he was tracking?

It’s true. I almost gave a shit about him when I read that it was a gruesome scene, but then I went back to eating licorice and wrestling with the dog. I think that it’s quite a fitting end. I hope that if I can’t get myself shot while jumping in front some innocent people at a drive by, that I will get gored by a moose as I’m lining up a shot on his father.

Circle of life, yo.

Birdman

Awesome footnotes   [ + ]

1. Does anyone know any game developers? I have the ideas, but that’s about it.
Apr 20

Fireworks and Assholes

wpid-mindofbirdman.jpg

So last night at about 11:00 we were startled by someone shooting boomers and Roman candles off into the street and the dog got freaked out like he usually does. Blue has never been a fan of loud bangs, so it doesn’t help that we live in a town full of people that enjoy getting liquored up and igniting whatever gas station value pack of fireworks they could afford after their rent, Lucky Lager, and smokes were paid for.

This was the day before.

This was the day before.

It’s hard to watch your usually fearless friend cowering up against the wall as he trembles and stares at the door. It’s even harder when you hug him and try to calm him down. Mostly because that’s when I can feel how terrified he is, but partly because you realise that it’s going to be at least an hour before he will go outside for a pee. I often wonder what he went through before he made the trek from North Carolina to here. We know that he was afraid of beer bottles, handguns, and fireworks, but only he knows why they scare him so much.1)I’ve eased his fear of beer bottles by drinking pints and not whipping the piss out of him. It’s a work in progress. 😉

I think that a good rule is that if there are houses within earshot of you as you pull out your lighter, you should check your watch. If it is between 10 PM and 8 AM, please think about people and pets trying to sleep and not have anxiety attacks. If you still feel the need to light the fuse, please shove the powder stick as far up your ass as possible, and light away. It muffles the sound until the gurgled screaming and ambulance sirens start, but at least we can sleep through that.

Speaking of assholes…

It seems that BC is going to start policing the use of fraudulent service dogs. Yeah, that’s right, there are people that are that douchey. If you don’t have the money to pay your full vet bill, work out a deal with them ahead of time or whip off a few handies behind the pub after happy hour. Don’t pretend that you have a disability and that your dog is a trained service dog. That’s pretty bad.

It also mentions that some people do it so that they can take their dog places that normally wouldn’t allow a dog in; such as a restaurant or an airplane. If that’s why you are doing it, gently pull your knees apart and punch yourself squarely in the crotch. There are people who truly need their working companion with them, and you are making it more difficult for them to go about their daily business without being scrutinized. Like they aren’t already having a hard enough time.

Anyhow, that’s all I have to say about that.

Birdman

Awesome footnotes   [ + ]

1. I’ve eased his fear of beer bottles by drinking pints and not whipping the piss out of him. It’s a work in progress. 😉
Apr 16

I Forgot How Much I Liked Writing

wpid-mindofbirdman.jpg

Some wonderful friends took us out for Mrs. B’s birthday on the weekend to Muddy’s Pit BBQ in Keene, Ontario. It was the best BBQ that I’ve ever had, except for the brisket. It was the second best.

One side of the table knows how to duck lip.

One side of the table knows how to duck lip.

On the way home we were talking and my buddy had said that he liked reading the blog when I just wrote about whatever was on my mind. That gave me a sense of pride in my loins, because he is a guy that I like and have a lot of respect for, plus he’s quite sexy. I told him that I wanted to write again, but just didn’t have the energy or drive to do it.

Then I got some drive.

After my little meltdown the other day, I started thinking about what was eating away at my gumption. It came down to how little most people care about what happens to our country and our planet.

I mean the people who think that everything is just fine the way it is. You know, the “climate change isn’t real, so it doesn’t really matter if a tailings pond leaks a bit into a river.” people.

Maybe climate change isn’t real. I don’t really care one way or t’other. What I care about is clean, not owned by Nestlé, water and a healthy planet that will keep on sustaining our increasingly extravagant lifestyles.

I also care about honesty and accountability in government, and putting an end to the lobbying practices that are tearing our country apart from the severely corrupt inside.

Keeping our jobs at home is high on my list as well. We know how to make shit, and we have the natural resources, so why are we whoring those resources out to foreign businessmen that always beat the shit out of them and send them back to us horribly disfigured?

Why are we allowing foreign countries to buy the companies that will rape our land, when we are doing such a great job of destroying it ourselves? It doesn’t make a lick of sense to me. I have to go out to the oil fields to get a decent job, because 95% of our decent jobs are gone.

Anyhow, I have offered to volunteer for the Green Party, because I’m sick of doing nothing. It maybe isn’t going to amount to anything in our community, but it’s a start, and it’s better than doing nothing. Why don’t you go out and do something as well? Even if it’s just researching a political party and thinking about whether or not you would vote for them, at least it’s some action.

Birdman