Oct 24

Know what I hate?

I hate seeing people that can’t afford to support themselves having kids. Yeah, and I mean it too. Why is this shit allowed to happen here? Two people that don’t have jobs start breeding and get rewarded for it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for social assistance if someone can’t work, or temporarily got set back a bit, but if you are capable of working, and are just plain lazy, you should not be allowed to have children. They should be taken away from you at birth, and given to a family that can support them without government assistance. It’s simple economics, and I believe psychology probably comes into effect, but I’m no expert, I’m just a dude with an opinion.

Now I have stated that I’m not an expert, so I don’t know how much you get from welfare, but everyone is constantly saying that it isn’t enough to live on. I’m not disputing that, I’m just saying to use a fucking condom, or better yet, don’t have sex. If you can’t afford to live with two people, what makes you think three or four will make it easier. I’ve never had a kid, but I know lots who have, and they are having a hard time with two incomes. They don’t even want to imagine that they’d have to do it with half the money coming in.

Another thing I hate is injustice. It makes me mad to see good things happening to bad people, and I go through the visions of meting out justice to the offenders, with a swift harshness seen only in Turkish prisons and mob movies. You drive like a prick, a huge guy pulls you over and shoves your face through the side window. You do it again, and you lose a hand. This is to be televised on roadside cameras, so that everyone can see what happens when you are an asshole. I bet you’d have a bunch of courteous motherfuckers letting you in every day, and you can be damn sure no one will be illegally parked during rush hour anymore.

Speaking of injustice, I’ve figured out a way to recoup losses in the penal system. Let’s take Paul Bernardo for instance. We know without a doubt that the sick bastard is guilty as hell. You know, with the video evidence and all that. Are you ready for this? Auction off beatings on the dirty scumbag. I know I’d kick in a hundred or so to the French and Mahaffy families to beat that douche to within an inch of his life. You’d need a doctor there to make sure he didn’t die, and to get him healed up for next months lambasting by the highest bidder. I know you’d make a bit off of the auctions, but can you imagine the television rights? Oh yeah, people would need to see that, but mostly just to scare the shit out of them. We all know that God isn’t scaring people anymore, so someone has to, and we might as well pay for the prisons somehow other than our taxes. I know this all sounds brutal, and it is, but I think it would work, and even if it didn’t, I’d like to see that perverted fuck get a little payback for the torture and grief that him and his twisted deviant wife have caused so many people. I hope that she gets it the same way she gave it, except twice as hard and twice as often.

Jesus, have you had enough yet? I don’t know where this anger came from all of a sudden, but there it is, and I don’t want to take it back. I am a firm believer in corporal punishment, if it is proven without a shadow of a doubt. Do you wish I had said that people on welfare should be beaten if they have kids? That would be funny to say, but only because of the absurdity of it. Instead, I think that chemical castration and tube tying after the first one, or after a year of being a lazy leech. I again want to stress that this does not apply to all people on social assistance, but we all know that there are some that abuse the system, and they know who they are. I guess they are probably not reading this blog, so if you know such a fiend, print this post and stick it to their door with a Rambo knife, like in roadhouse when he stuck it to the gas pedal. Try to avoid ripping their throat out though. There’s no need to get all crazy and shit like Patrick Swayze before he died from smoking. Apparently he was really bad ass as a fighter, so it’s a good thing that not too many people put Baby in a corner.

Give your body to science,

Birdman

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Oct 15

Occupy your mind

Do you know what’s wrong with the Occupy Wall Street movement? It’s just not going to work. Mainly because we as a people are too stupid to quit giving these greedy pricks our money. How can I blame Samsung for charging me $700 for a phone, when I’m standing there, waving money and saying “Gimme, gimme, gimme”? Yeah, I’m in the same boat over here. That would be pretty hypocritical of me as I sit here eating my Doritos, typing on my Android and sucking back a Pepsi Max, to call someone else stupid for giving in to it. I’m already enough of a hypocrite, without adding that to the pile. We seem to want everyone else to have our money, because we feel entitled to get everything we desire. I mean it, we think that because we go to work at whatever job we do, we should take our paycheque to Walmart or Costco, and buy a ton of shit that we don’t need.

Go home, grab a shower and look for a job in the country

That’s right, we don’t need it, we want it. There’s a huge difference between the two that not many of us can see. I need water, food and some sort of a shelter, I want a fancy phone, to eat at a Thai restaurant, and a new laptop. Do you see the difference? I should not be borrowing money for a car, but I should be borrowing money for food, if my family is hungry. We need to eat, we don’t need a $70 satellite TV bill every month, especially when a library card is free, and the children today could really use a good book. Is it a necessity that I am sending my words through the internet to you? Fuck no, it sure isn’t. This is a luxury, and the people who make money off of this thing, should be doing so as a hobby after they’ve gone out and weeded their garden, or finished baking their weeks worth of bread, or something along those lines.

I’m not saying you should go this far, but you can if you want to. Just ask bruncle Jimmy

You know what I mean, do something productive, and don’t give Galen Weston $3.49 for a loaf of God damned bread (seriously, it was leavened). Learn to bake your own things, make your own furniture, or grow your own food, and sell that shit to your neighbours. Better yet, trade your shit, for their shit, because we all know that your strawberry jam is three notches above the taste of a skunks asshole, and your neighbour couldn’t grow tomatoes if his life depended on it. Find something you love, and are fairly good at, and run with it. Force your friends to buy things you’ve made, and you buy things that they’ve made. No money goes to China or India, unless you are buying tea, because that’s what they do there. Next time you are looking for a new table, don’t go to the fucking Brick and buy a piece of garbage table that’s made in a factory somewhere. It’s not going to last you for a lifetime like a handmade, wooden table that was crafted by someone in your area. The problem is that you may have to pay more than $249 for it, but you know what? It’s a major piece of furniture, and you should spend some dough to obtain it, you won’t though, because there are these really cool DVD box sets coming out this month that you just have to have, or maybe you don’t get your two extra large double doubles from Timmies each day for a year.

When I was out west, I bought a longbow off of this eccentric fellow that made these beautiful, ornate and functional bows. It cost me about the same as going to the store and buying a Chinese-made, mass-produced bow from a local chain store. This guy created a work of art, probably spending fifty hours and a bunch of money on it and he couldn’t make a living at that because people would rather go out and get something off the shelf, than go out and get Jim to measure them up and build them a one of a kind masterpiece. That makes me sad, and a little bit angry. We have completely lost our way in our push for advancement. I don’t think we are going forward at all, but it doesn’t mean we can’t change the way we do business in the future. I look around at my neighbours and wonder what kinds of things they might make as a hobby. Maybe it’s wooden hobby horses, soap, or rocking chairs. Maybe Christmas, a birthday or some other gift giving celebration is coming up and you’re wondering what to get your aunt. Instead of getting her a gift card from Zellers (or Target now), get her some handmade bath oils, candles, or whatever else she’d like.

Click the pic for Northumberland Soapworks website

So go forth on your journey for fiscal equality and post something on your bulletin board, Facebook or local paper, asking if anyone makes a certain thing you’re looking for. You could also check the local thrift shops to find a good quality used whatchamacallit that needs a good home, and be proud that your hard earned dollars are going to support someone you know or live near, or even have heard of for that matter, and not into the pockets of whoever owns Canadian Tire, Hudson’s Bay Company or Walmart. Do you think the multimillion dollar executives of those companies give two shits about whether or not you get to eat next week? They don’t, and there’s a good chance that they find humour in the fact that you spend all of your dough buying their shitty products, while they are spending their unlimited supply of money on stuff that we will probably never get to see in person.

Hello Detroit auto workers, let me thank you for your time,

Birdman

This is my submission for Dude Write 5, or maybe it was 6. Either way, I’m submitting it. Oh, and go check out the fantastic writers there.