Nov 01

My last day of city driving

I’m officially finished as a local truck driver, or camionneur for Sebastard and any other Francophones that happen to peruse this little piece of heaven that we have going on here. I guess I’m happy about it, but it might take a day or two for that to set in. I know that I don’t have to get up tomorrow, but I probably will. What the hell else am I supposed to do? I should go get a shed and put it together, or maybe I’ll try to figure out where the sonotubes are going for the deck, and start digging the holes. The shed is probably the better answer, then the deck. We are going to be needing somewhere to put all of the shit in the yard. Maybe I can build a shed out of the hot tub, and the roof rack thing. I love the way that I plan all of this shit, but what will probably happen, is I’ll spend nine hours jumping back and forth between trying to find a new format for the blog, looking at porn, and smearing my DNA all over the mouse and keyboard. Ah, fuck it. Can someone remind me to go get a shed in the morning? You might need to tell me a few times, thanks a bunch.

Maybe I’ll go visit Mom and Paul for a while. He got fixed up today, so he can eat and drink again. I could maybe see if they need the grass cut one last time before the snow flies. There’s nothing worse than having to cut matted down, long grass and rotting leaves in the spring. Well, I guess there are some worse things, like anal rape, getting beat up by a twelve year old, or finding out your wife is your half-sister that was given up for adoption when your mom was fourteen. I love when people say that. “There’s nothing worse than…” Every time they say it, you can think of thousands of things that are worse. Nothing worse than a head cold. Really? Try AIDS, asshole. Nothing worse than a chick dragging her teeth. No? How about getting gut shot.

Another one I love is “I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.

“Wow, I had kidney stones. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.”

I fucking would. I’d wish it on all of my enemies and I’d also make them shit razor blades and fart out of their mouths. I hate my enemies, that’s why they are enemies. I’m pretty sure that it’s law to want your enemy’s head on a pike. If you don’t want them dead, they are just someone you don’t care for. Hell, I want people who mildly piss me off to get their arms broken as a voice enters their head, saying “This is for being a douchy twat yesterday.”

Another thing I want to rant about. Teach your fucking cats and dogs to speak and type properly, or don’t let them on the computer. I am getting so sick of these internet signs with horrible grammar, spelling and punctuation. Don’t pretend that there is nothing you can do. You were there taking their picture, so why not correct their spelling and syntax while you’re at it? Have = have, not haz. I feel like learning how to track on the internet, just so I could find these pieces of shit and beat them into unconsciousness with a God damned dictionary.

I’m going to go to bed now, and hope my hostility dwindles while I cry myself to sleep in the bosom of my true love. I have to keep telling myself that there is no alarm going off in the morning. I can sleep in, if I want to, but I rarely do. I think you just get used to waking up at a certain time. Oh well, I guess I’d better hit the fart sack.

Put another log on the fire,

Birdman

Oct 24

Know what I hate?

I hate seeing people that can’t afford to support themselves having kids. Yeah, and I mean it too. Why is this shit allowed to happen here? Two people that don’t have jobs start breeding and get rewarded for it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for social assistance if someone can’t work, or temporarily got set back a bit, but if you are capable of working, and are just plain lazy, you should not be allowed to have children. They should be taken away from you at birth, and given to a family that can support them without government assistance. It’s simple economics, and I believe psychology probably comes into effect, but I’m no expert, I’m just a dude with an opinion.

Now I have stated that I’m not an expert, so I don’t know how much you get from welfare, but everyone is constantly saying that it isn’t enough to live on. I’m not disputing that, I’m just saying to use a fucking condom, or better yet, don’t have sex. If you can’t afford to live with two people, what makes you think three or four will make it easier. I’ve never had a kid, but I know lots who have, and they are having a hard time with two incomes. They don’t even want to imagine that they’d have to do it with half the money coming in.

Another thing I hate is injustice. It makes me mad to see good things happening to bad people, and I go through the visions of meting out justice to the offenders, with a swift harshness seen only in Turkish prisons and mob movies. You drive like a prick, a huge guy pulls you over and shoves your face through the side window. You do it again, and you lose a hand. This is to be televised on roadside cameras, so that everyone can see what happens when you are an asshole. I bet you’d have a bunch of courteous motherfuckers letting you in every day, and you can be damn sure no one will be illegally parked during rush hour anymore.

Speaking of injustice, I’ve figured out a way to recoup losses in the penal system. Let’s take Paul Bernardo for instance. We know without a doubt that the sick bastard is guilty as hell. You know, with the video evidence and all that. Are you ready for this? Auction off beatings on the dirty scumbag. I know I’d kick in a hundred or so to the French and Mahaffy families to beat that douche to within an inch of his life. You’d need a doctor there to make sure he didn’t die, and to get him healed up for next months lambasting by the highest bidder. I know you’d make a bit off of the auctions, but can you imagine the television rights? Oh yeah, people would need to see that, but mostly just to scare the shit out of them. We all know that God isn’t scaring people anymore, so someone has to, and we might as well pay for the prisons somehow other than our taxes. I know this all sounds brutal, and it is, but I think it would work, and even if it didn’t, I’d like to see that perverted fuck get a little payback for the torture and grief that him and his twisted deviant wife have caused so many people. I hope that she gets it the same way she gave it, except twice as hard and twice as often.

Jesus, have you had enough yet? I don’t know where this anger came from all of a sudden, but there it is, and I don’t want to take it back. I am a firm believer in corporal punishment, if it is proven without a shadow of a doubt. Do you wish I had said that people on welfare should be beaten if they have kids? That would be funny to say, but only because of the absurdity of it. Instead, I think that chemical castration and tube tying after the first one, or after a year of being a lazy leech. I again want to stress that this does not apply to all people on social assistance, but we all know that there are some that abuse the system, and they know who they are. I guess they are probably not reading this blog, so if you know such a fiend, print this post and stick it to their door with a Rambo knife, like in roadhouse when he stuck it to the gas pedal. Try to avoid ripping their throat out though. There’s no need to get all crazy and shit like Patrick Swayze before he died from smoking. Apparently he was really bad ass as a fighter, so it’s a good thing that not too many people put Baby in a corner.

Give your body to science,

Birdman

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Oct 19

Just swear and blaspheme already, for the love of fucking Christ

Yeah, I’m going to rant about this for a bit, because I feel I’ve been too nice lately. This was brought to my attention by a friend who told me that she didn’t want me to share all of that sentimental shit with her. Well fine then, I shall dazzle you all with my thoughts on people who say gosh, darn, heck, frig and cripes, amongst others.

Alright, now let’s say that the bible is correct, and God does exist, and he is all powerful and all knowing, just like you all think he is. Do you think you’re fooling him by saying “gosh darn it”? No God damn way. He knows exactly what you mean. How about jeepers creepers or jeez? Nope, Jesus knows that you mean him, and worse yet, so does his dad. His dad gets pissed off really easy too. Don’t think that having a child has calmed that angry, old man down. He may have toned it down a bit for the New Testament, but believe you me, he’s still got a mean streak, and it gets worse when he’s drinking.

SINNER!!!!!

Yes, God and Jesus both know you are taking their names in vain, and if you weren’t so scared of them, you would be yelling that shit from the rooftops. It’s kind of like high school, when a bully is talking to you, and you’d tell them how much you like them, and how cool they are, but you really think they are assholes. You know what happens next? You go to a party, drink half a mickey of rye, and start talking about how you’d kick the living piss out of that big bastard. You might even add in that you already did hang a licking on them a few years ago, and he/she was still scared of you. Oh yeah, you’re the big man on campus now, with everyone crowding around asking for your autograph and shit, and that’s when it hits you. A massive fist, followed by several more, and as you start getting closer to the ground, the feet begin their frenzied riverdance all over your head, torso and occasionally your groin. This is exactly what is going to happen to you when God and his posse get a hold of you, except it will be the Devil laying the beating on your ass.

Luckily for me, I don’t believe in God, so I’m safe and free to live my life without fear of persecution from a higher power. I can blaspheme all day long if I want to, and I sometimes do. Jesus H Christ, I hope I’m right about the God not existing thing, or it’s gonna be a hot old afterlife for the Birdman. Just in case I am incorrect in my assumption, I’d like to get all of the Christians to pray for me and my soul. Don’t get me wrong, I still want to end up in Hell, but I’d like to get a cushier job and maybe some perks, like A/C or maybe a sweet log cabin in the woods for my holidays.

As for the swearing part, you should just relax and swear, instead of using the “diet cuss”. The words mean the exact same thing, all except for “frig”. I have yet to hear someone say “I took her home and frigged the crap out of her.”, that just sounds wrong. I’m not saying that no one says that. I just haven’t heard it, and I’ve met a lot of people that take women home. Why is “shit” any different from “crap”? It’s not, and never will be. They can both mean feces, trouble or bad. Why is shit wrong to say around some people then? I don’t know, but it is, and people usually check what they say when they are around the “gentle” people. I’m guilty of it too, but that’s a respect thing. If I know that someone doesn’t swear, I try not to swear around them. I don’t like making people feel uncomfortable, but I would like to raise people’s comfort levels up to mine, so I can be myself around them. I have a foul mouth, and no matter how I try to word things, they always mean the same thing in the end, so what’s the point of mincing words, when you can say it all with a good cuss? Another thing I like to do is to emphasize the curse words when I use them. I think it makes me funnier, and sometimes scarier, and I think we all will agree, that I could stand to be both.

In conclusion, my brothers and sisters, Go forth on your journey of enlightenment, and attend any church on Sunday. While you are there, make sure to say in a moderately loud voice, “I’m not taking any more of your God damn bullshit, Jesus, so you can go to Hell.”, and feel a great weight lift off of your shoulders. I’m just kidding. If you are in church, you should just whisper that shit. It’s quite rude to speak out there. When you are done at church, walk on over to our Facebook page, and enjoy some cookies and punch, you will like it. In case you didn’t understand. I want you to click the link above and go to our Facebook page and then click the like button there.

Michael row the boat ashore,

Birdman

P.S. changethetopic.com is not responsibe for any smitings (or is it smotings?), beatings or rapes by religious zealots, or any other harm that may befall you in the event that people can’t take a fucking joke.

Oct 15

Occupy your mind

Do you know what’s wrong with the Occupy Wall Street movement? It’s just not going to work. Mainly because we as a people are too stupid to quit giving these greedy pricks our money. How can I blame Samsung for charging me $700 for a phone, when I’m standing there, waving money and saying “Gimme, gimme, gimme”? Yeah, I’m in the same boat over here. That would be pretty hypocritical of me as I sit here eating my Doritos, typing on my Android and sucking back a Pepsi Max, to call someone else stupid for giving in to it. I’m already enough of a hypocrite, without adding that to the pile. We seem to want everyone else to have our money, because we feel entitled to get everything we desire. I mean it, we think that because we go to work at whatever job we do, we should take our paycheque to Walmart or Costco, and buy a ton of shit that we don’t need.

Go home, grab a shower and look for a job in the country

That’s right, we don’t need it, we want it. There’s a huge difference between the two that not many of us can see. I need water, food and some sort of a shelter, I want a fancy phone, to eat at a Thai restaurant, and a new laptop. Do you see the difference? I should not be borrowing money for a car, but I should be borrowing money for food, if my family is hungry. We need to eat, we don’t need a $70 satellite TV bill every month, especially when a library card is free, and the children today could really use a good book. Is it a necessity that I am sending my words through the internet to you? Fuck no, it sure isn’t. This is a luxury, and the people who make money off of this thing, should be doing so as a hobby after they’ve gone out and weeded their garden, or finished baking their weeks worth of bread, or something along those lines.

I’m not saying you should go this far, but you can if you want to. Just ask bruncle Jimmy

You know what I mean, do something productive, and don’t give Galen Weston $3.49 for a loaf of God damned bread (seriously, it was leavened). Learn to bake your own things, make your own furniture, or grow your own food, and sell that shit to your neighbours. Better yet, trade your shit, for their shit, because we all know that your strawberry jam is three notches above the taste of a skunks asshole, and your neighbour couldn’t grow tomatoes if his life depended on it. Find something you love, and are fairly good at, and run with it. Force your friends to buy things you’ve made, and you buy things that they’ve made. No money goes to China or India, unless you are buying tea, because that’s what they do there. Next time you are looking for a new table, don’t go to the fucking Brick and buy a piece of garbage table that’s made in a factory somewhere. It’s not going to last you for a lifetime like a handmade, wooden table that was crafted by someone in your area. The problem is that you may have to pay more than $249 for it, but you know what? It’s a major piece of furniture, and you should spend some dough to obtain it, you won’t though, because there are these really cool DVD box sets coming out this month that you just have to have, or maybe you don’t get your two extra large double doubles from Timmies each day for a year.

When I was out west, I bought a longbow off of this eccentric fellow that made these beautiful, ornate and functional bows. It cost me about the same as going to the store and buying a Chinese-made, mass-produced bow from a local chain store. This guy created a work of art, probably spending fifty hours and a bunch of money on it and he couldn’t make a living at that because people would rather go out and get something off the shelf, than go out and get Jim to measure them up and build them a one of a kind masterpiece. That makes me sad, and a little bit angry. We have completely lost our way in our push for advancement. I don’t think we are going forward at all, but it doesn’t mean we can’t change the way we do business in the future. I look around at my neighbours and wonder what kinds of things they might make as a hobby. Maybe it’s wooden hobby horses, soap, or rocking chairs. Maybe Christmas, a birthday or some other gift giving celebration is coming up and you’re wondering what to get your aunt. Instead of getting her a gift card from Zellers (or Target now), get her some handmade bath oils, candles, or whatever else she’d like.

Click the pic for Northumberland Soapworks website

So go forth on your journey for fiscal equality and post something on your bulletin board, Facebook or local paper, asking if anyone makes a certain thing you’re looking for. You could also check the local thrift shops to find a good quality used whatchamacallit that needs a good home, and be proud that your hard earned dollars are going to support someone you know or live near, or even have heard of for that matter, and not into the pockets of whoever owns Canadian Tire, Hudson’s Bay Company or Walmart. Do you think the multimillion dollar executives of those companies give two shits about whether or not you get to eat next week? They don’t, and there’s a good chance that they find humour in the fact that you spend all of your dough buying their shitty products, while they are spending their unlimited supply of money on stuff that we will probably never get to see in person.

Hello Detroit auto workers, let me thank you for your time,

Birdman

This is my submission for Dude Write 5, or maybe it was 6. Either way, I’m submitting it. Oh, and go check out the fantastic writers there.