Feb 12

Things Are Sometimes Good

Birdman

I don’t announce it much here, but I’m still travelling out west for work from time to time. The reason I don’t write much about it is because I already have, on several occasions, and I don’t think that there is much different than any of the other times. I still miss the hell out of my girls and the boy, and I still wish that I could make a decent living and be home every night.

Plus, I have plans on turning my travels into something bigger than blog posts, so it wouldn’t be good to give it all away. Right?

Anyhow, I was trying to save a little money and hardship for my sweet baby, so I booked a 1:30 PM flight from Toronto to save $100. The shuttle leaves at 4:30 AM, so I knew I was going to have a while to wait, but I was okay with that. I figured I would write a blog post for the new blog, mess around on Google+ and Twitter, and try to plug our new project without offending too many of the gentle people.

I didn’t know that you can’t check your bag in that early.

Ah, the airport. It has a homey feel to it. No?

Ah, the airport. It has a homey feel to it. No?

The kiosk said I needed to go to guest services, but didn’t say why. I got in line behind about 10 other people, while the West Jet CSAs kept escorting people that were arriving late to the front of the line. I was starting to get a little miffed, but I figured that I had six hours, so I wouldn’t say anything. What’s the point, right? Some day it might be me that is rushing to make a flight for one reason or another.

After standing there for forty five minutes, I was next. As the people were getting checked in, the CSAs were leaving. Either going on break, or off shift. I stood there for another fifteen minutes or so before someone came up and sent me to the international side.

8492654-illustration-of-a-man-fuming-with-angerBy now I’m fuming inside of my head, because everybody that shows up late is given special treatment, but the people who arrive well ahead of their flights have to stand there and let their feet burn. There is a reason that the airlines ask you to arrive a couple of hours early, and it’s to allow all of the people who show up late, a speedy escort to the best service on any major Canadian airline.

I digress. As usual.

The lady knew that I had stood there for over an hour before telling me that I couldn’t check my bag in for a few hours. Before I could say anything, she asked if I wanted to bump up to a 9:05 flight, but seeing as my connection wouldn’t be leaving Calgary until quite a bit later, I opted to wait where there was better wifi.

She then offered me an upgrade for having to wait so long, and I accepted graciously, because you get a free sandwich, booze, and a can of Pringles, plus some sweet leg room. I then took my new, upgraded boarding pass and went looking for somewhere to eat breakfast that wasn’t Tim Hortons.

I found a little sandwich shop that I almost bought a breakfast sandwich at before remembering that I am trying to eat wheat free. I died a little bit inside, and as I was about to buy a gluten-free energy bar, I noticed a cooler with sushi in it.

Looks like it’s a vegetarian roll and a coffee with milk for breakfast. (they were out of cream as well)

My point in all of this is that I kept my mouth shut.

Even though I wanted to yell at all of the ignorant people whose time is so much more important than everyone else’s, that they get to move to the front of the line. I didn’t and I was just given a $45 upgrade, had a much healthier breakfast, and I didn’t have to make anyone feel bad for being an inconsiderate jerk, or for catering to said jerks.

Now I’m going to check in for my flight with the free food that I can’t eat, but you can bet that I will enjoy a couple of beer and some Pringles.

As long as it’s not wheat beer.

All my bags are packed, I’m ready to go, I’m standing here outside your door,

Birdman

 

Feb 07

Ponytails Turn Me On

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Today we went to the Cobourg Community Centre and walked around the track. We tried to walk Blue around Colborne, to get some fresh air and beat the winter blues, but the boy can be a bit of an asshat when he gets rambunctious, so we ended up turning around and taking him home. The drifted in sidewalks also helped with our decision to go to the heated, indoor track.

Now I will admit that I have always thought walking around anything just to walk was pointless, but today we couldn’t go for a walk around town very safely, so it was decided that we would go to the track and then out for lunch with Gadget.

When we got there, I queued up my newest love; Slacker radio, and hit the track. If you haven’t tried Slacker, you should. Aaron turned me on to it during a [easyazon_link identifier=”B003IW58ZY” locale=”US” tag=”granligh-20″]rum soaked[/easyazon_link] [easyazon_link identifier=”B0055B2MQO” locale=”US” tag=”granligh-20″]game of darts[/easyazon_link], and I liked it so much that I got the paid version.

Photo by Pete Fisher – Northumberland Today (Click photo for original article.)

I turned on a cool eclectic rock station and held hands with my one true love.

Well, until the first old doll came trucking up the left with her arms just a swinging. That was when we figured that we should keep the left lane open for the old folks that were passing us incessantly. No one wants to get hit with a stray [easyazon_link identifier=”B000HRP7C2″ locale=”US” tag=”granligh-20″]dumbbell[/easyazon_link].

On our second lap, my sweet baby decided she was going to run. She looked back at me with a smile and a wave, and off she went. That brought a grin to my face as I watched her bounce away.

She has the best smile I’ve ever seen.

Seriously. I melt every time.

Seriously. I melt every time.

Sure, the swinging ponytail gets my motor going, but the way she smiles at me stirs my soul in ways that I didn’t know existed. It’s a look that made me want to yell to the old guy that was [easyazon_link identifier=”B00N3HM2NK” locale=”US” tag=”granligh-20″]wheezing[/easyazon_link] on by me, just how much I loved her.

It’s an immeasurable amount.

I hope I can keep her smiling forever. I know I will be.

[easyazon_link identifier=”B0029S30PI” locale=”US” tag=”granligh-20″]One minute you’re waiting for the sky to fall, the next you’re dazzled by the beauty of it all[/easyazon_link],

Birdman

P.S. Do you utilize any of the amenities offered by the CCC? Which ones?

Consider a donation to the cause. They are still trying to meet their original fundraising goal, and every little bit helps.

P.S.S. The new blog should be up and running by Monday. I’m pretty excited.

Dec 04

Gala Parté 2013

And Darrin!

And Darrin!

Well, Movember has come and gone, but that shouldn’t mean that you quit thinking about men’s cancers. They get people all year long, so  keep on top of it.

There, I’m done all of my harping and begging. We rang out the end of what has become my favourite month of the year, and we did it with style and grace. That means that I’m going to have to wing it until the time comes for Float Your Fanny Down The Ganny preparations. It also means that I have a few photos to show you. Some are like this.

This is excited she gets when she sees a razor in my hand.

This is how excited she gets when she sees a razor in my hand.

Or there was the one on the Brady’s bed before they got to the hotel.

Nothing like a good pillow hump.

Nothing like a good pillow hump. Yes, I got them both.

I just like to be the first to hump in a fresh hotel bed, that’s all.

Come on. With a mo like that, you know he's going to destroy that bed as soon as the room gets cleared.

Come on. With a mo like that, you know he’s going to destroy that bed as soon as the room gets cleared.

Soon we had the whole gang in to our little home away from home.

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Then Scooter and Homes brought me something to wear.

Too much teeth. I'm not good at being a gang banger, but I'm trying, Mo. Really I am.

Too much teeth and glass. I’m not good at being a vato, but I’m trying, Mo. Really I am.

Scooter, Gadget, Homes, and I had left the hotel first, and while we were in the cab, Homes passed me half a bottle of tequila.

“No, I’m okay.”, I said

“That’s not the answer I was looking for, Ese. I left the cap in the the room and we can’t take it in the bar.” was his reply.

“You can’t waste good tequila.” said I, and then the bottle made it’s rounds. Apparently Scooter and Gadget aren’t wasteful either.

Gadget dressed up too. Looks like it's working for him.

Gadget dressed up too. Looks like it’s working for him.

Remember this from last year? Well, remember it for later.

Remember this from last year’s party? No? Well, remember it for later.

Homes and Scooter buggered off somewhere after they got their free beer tickets. Gadget and I cruised the strip looking for action and we found it at the Sher-Wood booth.

He, of course, kicked my ass, but we both got a free mini stick out of the deal, so it was all good. There was also the Harley booth.

He likes to touch my belly sometimes.

He likes to touch my belly sometimes. It’s because I’m gangsta.

We made a flip book thing too, but it would be hard to show here. Also, I don’t have it.

Dwayne Gretzky played again. They were awesome again. Scooter showed back up and danced.

With the devil!

Or maybe it's Rich Uncle Pennybags from Monopoly.

Or maybe it’s Rich Uncle Pennybags from Monopoly, they’re very similar.

It was about this time that everyone else showed up. Mrs. Birdman started a game with Firecracker where you had to get your picture taken with as many people as possible, but she promptly forgot about it because of her amnesia juice. That juice also made her forget to check her phone while she stood in the crowd and watched the band. Not that I was trying to find her. Much.

Firecracker, on the other hand, did not forget that shit. I would need three posts just to show the dedication that this spunky little ginger showed at that party. I guess I’ll just post all of the photos on the Google+ page for whoever wants to see.

Cheers, Tweezle. You're not going to see much of her for the rest of the night.

Cheers, Tweezle. You’re not going to see much of her for the rest of the night.

(While you’re there, you might as well add us to your circles. We don’t bite… hard.)

There is one chain of events that transpired with The Centaur, Mrs. Brady, Firecracker, and the Coke man, that is too funny to not post. I wasn’t there, but Tweezle did a great job of capturing it’s entirety, so it feels like I was.

She probably thought it was a lead shank.

She probably thought it was a lead shank.

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So she has now let go and things start going downhill.

IMG-20131129-00152

But wait! The Coke man thought he had better take control of the situation.

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Don’t let go until his balls drop.

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Okay, you’re good, Now let go of that stud and go on about your business.

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Upsy daisy.

While these guys were clowning around, Dale Jr. and Danica were out making new friends.

I don't even want to know where this is going. Wait. Yes I do.

I don’t even want to know where this is going. Wait. Yes I do.

Do you like the way I painted it grey like an elephant's trunk?

Do you like the way I painted it grey like an elephant’s trunk?

Things started to slide after the band stopped, so Gadget and I loaded one cab full and went back in to round up the rest of the crew, but Firecracker would have none of it. I think we had a pants off dance off, because I remember dancing, then I remember wearing some black, lacy panties when I was back at the hotel. I am just guessing of course, but she claimed them, so I’d say I won.

While we were back inside, we decided that we needed a huge inflatable moustache.

It's the one that's obvious.

It’s the one that’s obvious.

The problem was that there was a security guard that was no help at all. He wouldn’t even lift me up so I could undo the ropes. He said I had to go and ask one of the Movember Canada staff.

I’ll find Emma. She seems awesome in her emails.

No dice, but I did meet her partner. She thought it was a great idea for us to steal the stache. She put me in touch with Dancy McGee, but she said that we could absolutely not steal that moustache. I believe she then got some more security on it and pointed me out as a possible culprit.

This left the front door almost wide open with three guards at the back door.

Hello, what feels like an 80 lb block of ice.

Hello, what feels like an 80 lb block of ice.

This will look so good on your lawn.

This will look so good on your lawn.

Tongues don't stick at +3°C

Some dude asked us if we wanted to go outside and do some ice. It wasn’t that good.

Rub a dub dub.

Rub a dub dub. What a pair of assholes we are.

We want to thank Appleton Estates for the delicious rum, ginger beer and cranberry drinks. You maybe shouldn’t have given out so many, but we’re glad that you did.

Oh, and If you were planning on using this sculpture again, you aren’t.

I woke up still drunk at what I thought was 5 or 6 AM and sat on the toilet eating Zantac and drinking water to cure my pounding headache. I then started investigating where the cold air was coming from. I looked in the shower. My memory started to come back and I decided that I should start melting it down so people could shower if they wanted to.

Apparently just having the door closed wasn’t very much soundproofing. I was startled by a beautiful face in the doorway telling me I was waking up everybody, and to go back to bed. I explained my logic in my trademark loud whisper and was told that it was still night and to shut off the shower and get the fuck back to bed.

I did.

IMG_0593

This was all that was left after Mr. Brady’s shower, so I’d say we did a good job of getting rid of the evidence. Well except for this blog post. And all the pictures on G+. Oh, and the eyewitnesses. Meh. What are you gonna do?

Thank you to all who contributed your money to this year’s Movember campaign, and to all of my brothers and sisters who donated their time and their souls to it; I am so proud of you. You restore my faith in humanity daily and it keeps me going. That and Mrs. Birdman’s sweet love.

Mo on, Mo Fos,

Birdman

Nov 11

It’s Remembrance Day Again

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We’re going to the school for their ceremony and then to the cenotaph for the public one.

I’ll be all misty eyed I’m sure. I get like that every year. Something about freedom does that to me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not delusional enough to think that I’m truly free, but I’m not busting rocks with a chain around my ankle, so I’d say I’m free enough. The people who have fought for us, achieved the desired goal for the time. It’s not their fault that we as a society allowed politicians and corporations to ruin our world. They fought for the right to give us the choice of which asshole gets to screw us, and I thank them for that. I really do.

Think about all of the leaders over the years that just would have enslaved entire nations if they were given the chance. I don’t know much about slavery, but I know it’s horrible. I know people that have lived in countries where they are forced to fight, whether they believe in the cause or not. Guys with bullet wounds all through them, because after they healed up, they were sent right back out to start killing again. One guy had been shot up on three different occasions. The last time was in his back and the doctors said he couldn’t fight again as his spine had been damaged. He went home to pack his things and get the hell out of there. His wife and son had been shot and killed years earlier while he was out killing other wives and children, so he took off for Canada and a better life. He found it, but at what cost?

When you hear what it was like where he came from, which was under Nazi rule during the war, it makes you appreciate our government, even with their greed and corruption.

Pretty sad isn’t it? These people go and fight at the drop of a hat for their country, and when they come home it’s in a worse condition than when they left. They get shit for benefits and pay, but the people who are sending them to where they will possibly lose their life are double dipping their expense accounts, taking lavish vacations on the tax payer’s dime, and getting a very healthy pension plan out of the deal. Not too shabby for never having to put yourself in danger or even being accountable for anything you do.

I know this is a lot different than my usual Remembrance Day post, but to be honest with you, I’m not in the spirit this year. I’m a little bit angry about a lot of things and I haven’t got it in me to write a sappy retrospective of how our freedom was dependent on all of the people who fought for us and gave us the life we now have.

I know it was, but I’m a little pissed that we are wasting it so badly, and at such a fast pace. Free trade, pipelines, oil sands, corrupt senators and crack smoking mayors. Nobody gives a shit about anything anymore.

Poppy-Day

Sorry, that isn’t entirely true. We still care about money. Not enough to ensure that our jobs stay in our country, but we sure do like to vote for whoever offers the right economic agenda in their platform. Who cares about pumping billions of litres of contaminated fresh water down disposal wells? It doesn’t matter right now, because we have lots in our lakes and rivers. Oh, all of that water is coming from our lakes and rivers every day? Oh well, I’m sure the government is looking out for us. They wouldn’t destroy our country for a bit of oil and gas revenue would they? Oh, they would? Well, I’m sure they are working on ways to clean it up. I’m sure some of our tax money will go to research. I don’t think that those disposal wells are near the water table or anything. They’ll figure something out.

I’m no different, I just wish I was. I have computers and gadgets. I drive a gas powered vehicle and I fly to my job that helps get the oil and gas out of the ground. I’m not pointing fingers at you and telling you that you’re bad.

We all are.

Actually. We’re not just bad. We’re fucking horrible. The problem is that the bar has dropped over the past few years. It’s actually below the mat now. We’ve been trained to settle for so much less than we should, and it’s all our fault. Oh, it’s also our parent’s fault, and our grandparent’s fault.

That’s right, they are the ones who fell into the original trap of needing all of this useless shit after WWII. The worst of it, in my opinion, was television. There’s nothing like a bunch of greedy corporations sending you something to rot your mind, all the while plugging thoughts of entitlement into your family’s head.

You work hard. Why don’t you buy our gizmo to make your life a little easier? It would save you thirty minutes a day, and that would give you some more time to relax in front of your new colour TV. Has conventional cooking started to interrupt your soap opera time? Here’s a handy microwave. You can cut your meal preparation time in half or more. Was working, reading, and talking to each other that bad?

I’m sorry. This isn’t a day for griping. It’s a day that we need to stop and thank the men and women who have, and continue to, lay down their lives for us. They willingly give everything so that we aren’t forced into killing our neighbours, and there is no amount of thanks that can repay that.

So let’s have a moment of silence to think about what has been lost, and how we can live better and truly honour those that have put their lives on the line to give us that freedom.

I remember.

Birdman

Nov 06

The Year I Got Drunk On Halloween

wpid-mindofbirdman.jpg

I know, that’s every year.

Remember how Gadget and Penny have a Halloween party every year? Remember how we always take all kinds of pictures? Not so much this year. Luckily Mrs. Stick was there to snap a few gooders so we can at least have a post. Thanks Mrs. Stick!

Apparently X marks the spot. Start digging, ladies.

She’s the one with the boobs.

You see, I got so drunk last year that I left with only one shoe and had my head hanging out the door for most of the ride home. This year I was going to be way more smarter than that. I had devised a surefire plan to not get so sick.

I would just drink shots.

Genius, right?

Sure, I would have a beer in hand to nurse on, but for the most part I would just do shots. Mostly because the people there force you to drink them, but also because I’m one of those people. The forcers.

Just during the “meetings” though. If you aren’t in a meeting nobody will force you to drink anything. Well, they might try it upstairs, but there are places for you to run. Downstairs is a different story. The bar is right beside the stairwell, so as soon as you go down there, you can’t get back up without doing a shot of everything on the bar. These rules are enforced by Tweezle, Gadget, and everyone else in the basement and there is absolutely no breaking the rules. Continue reading