May 18

Working On My Shit

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I got back out here on Tuesday night, and went to work for a couple of days, but have had the last few off. The days off, were really busy, but also good to keep my mind off of being alone again. Today, I am taking some time to relax in my underwear and catch up on shit.

My own shit.

Johnny got his BBQ fixed up, so I’m going to head over there in a bit and eat some food. I might possibly drink a cocktail or three, if he allows me to sleep on his couch or finds me a ride home. His place is cleaner, and it has better snacks, so I hope it’s the couch that he chooses.

Yesterday, I went down to look at the house we are buying when the girls get out here. It’s as cool and homey as I remembered it, and brought back a lot of great memories. It was a safe place during a lot of my gloomier days. I think that’s why I like it and Hudson’s Hope so much. It’s where I went to escape some shitty times. Aaron and Lannie, and then the boys after they came along, always made me feel better, and still do.

(Update: I didn’t finish this before going for a delicious dinner of steak, asparagus, beer, and new potatoes. The post from here on out is today.)

As the big move draws near, I find myself getting very emotional, because it’s really happening. My dreams of off grid living are getting their start.

I know it’s not going to be immediate, but the dream is alive and growing, and I got my subscription to Small Farm Canada when I was home. My first issue was waiting for me when I got here, and I’ve read it cover to cover, twice. I get to the point of weeping tears of joy, when I read this magazine, and I always have, as I dream of our Dexter cattle, farm fresh eggs, and crop rotations.

I know that it’s not for everyone, but I have become so incensed with the way our world has changed that I found myself getting more and more depressed as I thought about it.

Until I met Mrs. Birdman.

She encouraged me, even though she wasn’t on board with my ideas from the start. She would give me little pushes when she could see me losing sight of my dream, even if it was just sharing an article about alternative homes, talking about growing the ingredients for her favourite salsa, or mentioning that having eggs from our own chickens will be a nice addition.

It all helped. Whether she knew it or not.

Now I can’t get it out of my head, which is good. It’s a lot better dream than the crazy one I had last night. Meat dreams are insane.

Birdman

May 12

Old Draft #1

I am going through the hundreds of drafts that were started many years ago, and posting them when I don’t have time to write. Some are incomplete, but if they are close, I will finish them up or something. Here’s the first one. I think it was about two or three years ago.

Four Days

That’s how long I have to wait for my sweet baby’s embrace. I’m practically vibrating, and that’s after doubling up on Robaxacet and Gravol, so I should be comatose.

Oh yeah, I sort of fucked up my shoulder at work, but I’ll get it looked at when I get home. The last time I got hurt out here, Worker’s Compensation wouldn’t let me move home, because my employer was offering light duty work. The problem was that light duty is 40 hours a week at a reduced wage. It wasn’t enough to pay the bills and live at the same time, and there is no way they are telling me I’m not going home on Thursday.

Not happening.

I really miss those girls of mine, and the rest of my family and friends too, but this trip wasn’t a waste, even though we were shut down a lot. I spent the first week I was there, with John and Leona, and their family and it was great as always. John mentioned to me, as we were talking about homes and that feeling you get when you’re at home, that they never feel at home in their house. That seems odd to me, because when I’m there, it feels a lot like their home. Leona is always cooking up a good supper, Johnny is half snoring on the couch, and Cooper is knocking over a tray of chocolates or other goodies,

I got to spend a few days with Aaron, Lannie, and the boys over the holidays, and Lannie’s folks invited me over for one of the best meals I’ve had in a long time. It really made it easier for me to be away from home, and as much as I would have liked the overtime, that money wouldn’t buy a night of darts and rum in the garage, or the look on Lannie’s face when I told her about the shit lunches we were fed at the old Lennox camp. I also would have missed the boys, who are growing up too fast, calling me by my first and last name. All the time.

“Chris Bird, do you know which Ninja Turtle this is?” or, “Hey Chris Bird, do you want to come for a Ski-Doo ride with us?”

I can’t help but smile every time. They are really good kids, and I miss them when I’m not there. As much as I like most of the work I do out here, it’s my friends that are the deciding factor for me. Yes, the money’s good, but it’s just money, and we can get by without me coming out here to work. It’s just that I miss it. I miss so many things about this area, and the weird thing is that even the worst of it holds a place in my heart. Maybe it’s because it is the first place that I just said “Fuck it. I’m going to Fort St. John to find some work.”, and that’s exactly what I did. I worked, made some great friends, and I learned a lot about myself here.

I learned how independent I can be, and also how far into depression I can sink. It’s pretty far, but I’m sure I would be a lot deeper if Aaron hadn’t of told me to move the fuck home. I’m pretty sure those were his words, but there might have been a “…you miserable fuck.” added on for good measure. He could see it, even though I couldn’t. I knew I was fucked up, with the anxiety attacks and shit, but I didn’t realize I was depressed too. Well maybe I did, but I sure wasn’t admitting it to myself. So I took his advice and packed my shit up and went home.

Then I re-met Mrs. Birdman. We went on some dates, and after a while, we fell in love. I fell a lot sooner than she did, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that she makes my heart bust open like a can of Pillsbury Crescent Rolls and no matter how much I love spending time with my friends, I like spending time with her more. I really miss you baby, and I can’t wait for you to blow into my mouth as I give you a big, tooth kiss.

Am I the only one who gets the ducklip memos?

Am I the only one who gets the ducklip memos?

Birdman

May 11

Conversations With Blue

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This morning Blue came up to bed as everyone else was getting ready for their day. I was trying to avoid getting up before ten, so I turned his whining into a conversation to drag out my lounging. Hey, it’s not my fault that he didn’t feel like eating when I let him out at 6:30.

 

Blue: (high pitched hunger whine)

Me: What’s the matter, boy? Are you okay? Come up here in the bed for a minute.

Blue jumps up on the bed and mashes my face and balls with his jaggedy pins and does another whine.

“What is it? Oh, you’re sad because I’m leaving tomorrow, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, I hate it when you go away. Every time you go, it’s for years.”

“No, it’s never been more than a few months. I think that you’re exaggerating.”

“No, I am not exaggerating. I can tell by all of the new gray hairs that you have when you come home. Why do you have to keep leaving? I love our mornings laying in bed. Rub my belly. With both hands. You know you have two.”

“Okay, I’ll rub it for a minute, but then I’m going back to sleep. The reason I have to go back out, is to get things ready for when we move. You know that we are moving, right?”

“I heard you guys talking about it. Are we all going? Usually it’s just me that moves. I’ve had a bunch of different families. I like it here with you guys though. I even like the lady now. She is really nice to me. The kids always hug me too. I hope I get to move with you.”

“Oh buddy, that makes me sad. I love you so much. Yeah we are all going. You and I will be on the bus, and your mom and sisters will be flying out. It’s going to be a long trip, but I don’t think that you would like to be stuck in an airplane hold for hours at a time.”

“No, I would rather stay on the ground, because flying seems unnatural. I will protect you on the bus, so you can sleep. I won’t let any crazy guys cut your head off and eat it.1)That insane prick got out the other day, so be on the lookout.

“Thanks, boy, but we are driving our own bus out. Your nana might come too. You’ll like it where we are going. You can go to visit Woody and chase deer off of his yard. He would like to have a hunting buddy. There are all kinds of mountains and forests out there, so you will have all kinds of places to run.”

“Oh Daddy, that sounds so fun. I’m your good, running boy. I like to run fast. Can we take the squirrel with the white tail with us? He’s my friend and I like to chase him up the tree. Can you please scratch where my nuts used to be?”

“You bet I can. How’s that? I know you like to chase him, but we can’t take him. There are no walnut trees out there for him to get his food. You can probably fight a bear or a cougar though. Do you think you’d like that?”

“Oh, that’s really good. I know it’s been three years, but the scar still itches. I don’t know what bears and cougars are, but I probably would like to fight one.”

“Here, I’ll show you some photos.”

Grizzly Bear Standing And Roaring Rocky Mountains

Grizzly Bear Standing And Roaring Rocky Mountains

And here’s a cougar.

Mrrrawr

Mrrrawr

“Daddy, I would fight the bear if was hurting you, but I think we should stay away from them if we can. As for the cougar, I’d hump her leg, if I still had my man juice.”

“Haha, I know you would, buddy. Me too. This is what a real cougar looks like.”

http://www.canadiangeographic.ca/magazine/mj04/indepth/

http://www.canadiangeographic.ca/magazine/mj04/indepth/

“Jesus, no. You know I get scared of the cat at our pet store. I never want to fight a cougar.”

“Yeah, me neither. I guess we had better get you fed. It will probably be the last time I get to before I come back. I’m really going to miss you, my good boy. You are the best dog I’ve ever had.”

“Can we please not talk about it? Just keep rubbing.”

Never stop rubbing

Never stop rubbing

Birdman

Awesome footnotes   [ + ]

1. That insane prick got out the other day, so be on the lookout.
May 04

Reprieve

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I postponed my trip west for another a week. It may seem slight, but it feels pretty good to have another week to finalise Family Game Night festivities. TT and I smoked through a game of Cranium to win the right to choose Family Date Night.

The restaurant and the movie.

Yeah. It’s a pretty huge win.

We were supposed to do best out of five in a run of different games, but the losers seemed to not want to play against us any more, so I guess it’s now best out of one, unless by some miracle we get challenged.

That should work out in my favour, but to tell you the truth I was really looking forward to spending a bunch of nights as a family and doing family things. I think it’s because I missed so many of them over the winter, while they were all still being a family. I was just the guy who called every night and asked how everything was going.

Before you tell me that they’re just kids, I will just say it… I know. I get it. I was one once too. I probably hurt my family’s feeling by wanting to go out drinking1)We didn’t have texting and game consoles. with my friends, instead of hanging out with my parents.

It doesn’t change the fact that they are growing up and I have been missing it. It hurts to come home one day and see a thirteen year old girl that’s as tall as you are, when the last time you saw her she was a good inch or so shorter. Especially when you always think of them like this.

From the wedding

The happiest day of my life

Remember that day?

I do. That will be three years ago in about a month. How did they get so old all of a sudden, and where the hell have I been?

I just keep repeating “June” in my head. It keeps me grounded. We’ll all be out there in a couple of months. Together, on a new adventure as a family.

In a school bus.

Thanks for the inspiration, Chin.

Chin gets to be Reuben Kincaid. He already called it.

Anyhow, I hope that some better movies come out this week, but if they don’t, I’m fully prepared to drag everyone to see Do You Believe?, by the makers of God’s Not Dead. I want to see if it’s horrible as well.

I will have my Family Date Night. No matter what.

Birdman

Awesome footnotes   [ + ]

1. We didn’t have texting and game consoles.
Apr 17

The Plan

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First off, I want to wish my dear mother a happy 40th birthday. She’s been younger than me for three years now, and in better physical shape for about seven. I love you, Mom. Thanks for always taking care of me.

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I guess I should update anybody that gives a shit about us moving out west. I have already moved and did the address change and everything, but Mrs.B and the girls are coming out in July, after school is done. We will be moving to Hudson’s Hope, BC which is about an hour from Fort St. John and around half an hour from Chetwynd.

We are also starting to plan an off-grid life for after we get out there. For simplicity, and because we are fed up with our consumerist society. Well, me more than Mrs. B, but she’s not far behind. I’ve been wanting this for a lot longer than she has. I guess this is our way of starting up the steps to freedom.

Not everybody’s freedom, mind you. A lot of you will find freedom in a big home, with a brand new truck and a bunch of toys in the garage. That’s perfectly fine for you and I hope you get it. It just doesn’t work for me. I’m ready to find my Walden Pond.

When we first get to HH, we will live in town in an affordable home and start looking for an acreage with a water source and a nice view of some sort of mountain. I’m thinking that it will take 3-5 years to get the land, clear a lot, and set up some sort of agricultural area (pasture, shelter, garden, etc…) near where the house will be built.

That might be totally off, but it seems doable to me. By the time we get to the point of building the house, the kids will be old enough to fend for themselves if they don’t feel like partaking in a much simpler life. They will be welcome to join us in our effort to be self sustaining, but I imagine that they will want to pursue the dream of acquiring all of the shit that every kid wants.

Have at it, kids. When I was young, I wanted to own an island. I still do. Believe me, if I win the lottery, or get my show on the air1)Do any of you know how to pitch things to networks? , I will be buying a largish island and building a self sustaining community on that sumbitch.

Anyhow, I need to go have a beauty nap. We’re going to see The Spirits at The Station in Port Hope tonight. They are so good. That’s one thing I’m going to miss about this area; the amazing live music scene. If you can’t get out to see them tonight, you can catch them tomorrow in Cobourg. Check out their page for info.

Birdman

P.S. Did you see the awesome footnote plugin I installed? When you see a number like this2)You can hover over it, or see them at the bottom of the post. So awesomely awesome

Awesome footnotes   [ + ]

1. Do any of you know how to pitch things to networks?
2. You can hover over it, or see them at the bottom of the post. So awesomely awesome