Sep 26

My Nineteenth Birthday

A friend wanted some Copperfield’s stories, so I shall regale you with the story of my nineteenth birthday, but first I’ll let the uninformed know about the phenomenon that was Copperfield’s.

Every small town has/had a version of Copperfield’s. You know the place, good food, ten-cent-wing night and lots of booze.  It transformed from a family restaurant into a dance club from Thursday to Saturday. There was hot, charismatic waitresses and bartenders; big, huggable bouncers (well, I’m sure someone hugged them); and a great DJ that put the cock in cocky (and anything else with two tits and a heartbeat). It was a very comfortable place to drink for an entire generation and my second home for a few years.

Let’s go back in time.

When I was sixteen or seventeen, I worked as a busboy and bar porter there and it facilitated my foray into manhood. I partied with the rest of the staff after work, and I felt like part of a greater thing. I thought that putting on that Copperfields shirt meant that I was part of the elite team. People didn’t mess with you if you had that shirt on, because everyone had each other’s back. Nobody messed with the waitresses, without getting their head bounced off the center post of the front doors as they were being “escorted” out, or getting surreptitiously punched by a busboy as the doorman was carrying them across the floor. You just felt safe there (or at least I did), but alas, everyone has to move on sometime.

Fast forward a couple years to my nineteenth birthday. I had a double shot of Jack Daniels and a couple of beer for lunch, followed by half a dozen rye and gingers for dessert. I then headed for Copperfield’s for supper and some libations. Because it was my birthday, and the fact that I knew the staff, I was treated to several happy birthday shooters. I was doing pretty good as I didn’t puke until Ferg gave me the “Formula One” (Thanks pal, but I still say it was Scope).

So there I was, happily shit faced, and sitting with a friend, when I decided I might need to see a man about a horse. As I swerved my way to the washroom, a small guy, about my size, said “How’s it going there, Goggles?”

I was taken aback.  Being one who was never into taking shit from anybody, I replied, “That’s really cool to make fun of drunk people that have obvious physical impairments. I guess when you don’t have the mental capacity to be a decent human being, these are the things that make you feel good about yourself.”

While he was trying to figure out the insult I had directed his way, I turned around and set my glasses on the table and remarked, “The goggles are off now asshole.”

That was when his rather large-necked, tough-looking friend stepped in and explained how I was going to have to fight him first if I wanted to get to his much smaller friend.

This seemed unfair to me but my mom didn’t raise me to complain about life not being fair so I agreed to beat up the two of them and then took a couple of steps back to get a better run at this situation. Right about then, one of my bouncer buddies came and picked me up off the ground, reminding me that I was five and a half feet tall, 145 pounds, and as much as I claimed invincibility, that I was in fact mortal.

All of those things may have been true but that didn’t stop me from telling Big Neck that he was lucky the bouncer had me, which seemed like the right thing to say at the time.

It turned out to be the exact opposite of the right thing to say at the time.  Big Neck ran up and started smashing me about the head and neck with his club-like fists. Luckily for me, my friend could walk fast and Big Neck seemed unable to walk and fight at the same time, so the blows weren’t as hard as I thought they would be.

I cheered joyously as the other doormen threw him out and came back to give me a stern talking to. They told me that he was waiting outside, and I had best go sit down and wait for my ride. I guess I must have followed instructions.

The next morning I woke up in my buddy’s pickup truck.  It seems I slept through the rest of my time at the bar, the after party, and the ride home.  I’m still indebted to my friends for preventing my early demise, and most of all to Joey, for making sure I made it home safe with my goggles, and for not letting any hot chicks rape me while I was too drunk to remember it.

Jun 16

This Is F*ck*ng Exciting! For Me – Comedy Open Mic Round 18

For Change The Topic followers:

So as most of you know I have switched over to writing on https://www.steemit.com.

It’s a blogging platform on the Steem blockchain, and while I can’t get into the whole cryptocurrency discussion of it all, I can speak to the blogging aspect.

The main thing I like about it is that it has me creating again. Both Mrs. Birdman and I. We’re back to doing Therapy Thursdays again as well, and we are going to be doing them via video if anyone ever sends us their problems again.

Now, I know that not really writing anything for years has led to a complete lack of engagement on here, so I don’t expect that many are still following, but I do enjoy having things I write on here and have really enjoyed going back through old posts and reliving my not so distant youth.

There are some things I don’t even remember writing.

There are a lot of other great things about it, but getting rich is not one of them. I was under the impression that money flowed like wine from a soccer mom’s juice bottle, but I was misinformed.

It’s actually a cryptocurrency called Steem, and it flows more like me trying to poop after eating the whole cheese ball at Nana’s. Fuck off, it was full of Old Nippy and it was delicious.

Like I said, I don’t know anything about crypto. (That’s what we call cryptocurrency on Steemit. We’re all hip to the terms and shit.) I know that the price of crypto has been going down, so the value of my account has been going down as well. It was worth about $300 and it’s now worth about $150. I have also given a lot of my SBD away for contest prizes and stuff like that because I’m in this more for the long haul and I feel that positively impacting the platform where most of the creators are struggling to be seen, will help with longevity.

I’m not doing this to make a quick buck. I could throw a few handies out behind a gym if I was looking for that.

Hold on a sec. Did you catch that I implied that there were gays hanging out at gyms? That was just me throwing shade because I’m fat and pretending that I’m above going to a gym because of the gay guys that may or may not be there.

I’m not. It’s actually laziness that keeps me away from the gym. If we could guarantee to run into some decent gay guys, I’m sure Mrs. Birdman and I would both be there trying to lure them into our web. I mostly just want someone to explain some of the jokes on RuPaul’s Drag Race.

I get a kick out of that show, but there are some jokes where everyone is laughing, but I’m just sitting there, smiling, and waiting for the punchline.

Anyhow, the reason I’m so excited now is that there is a new plugin for my WordPress blog that will publish the post to Steemit without having @cheetahbot and @steemcleaners coming at you for plagiarising your own content. This is awesome because the interface in WordPress is way easier to use than writing code into Steemit.

It’s called SteemPress

This means I can publish on Change The Topic and simultaneously to my Steemit account. Apparently without a hitch. This post is a test, plus I figured I could use it as an entry for Comedy Open Mic as well.

So here are my nominations and a banner that was made by @matytan

I am nominating @kayyam09 and @cryptkeeper17 to join in the fun.

You can find out what you need to know about the contest here

They are a great bunch of fucking degenerates, and I know that they partly feel the same about me. (If you didn’t pick up on my subtlety, I was saying they think I’m a fucking degenerate.)

Anyhow, hope to see more of you around and check things out. You might just find a reason to get out of bed in the afternoon.

Apr 07

Is My Brain Showing? Part 2

(from Steemit)
As you may remember, when we left our hero, he was signing some waivers saying that he refused ambulatory care because there was no fucking way he was going to spend the weekend in Youngstown.

bless-you-3090723_960_720.jpg
(How I picture a weekend in Youngstown)

Actually, it was Hubbard, but who ever heard of Hubbard, Ohio, except people from near Hubbard, Ohio.

Anyhow, it didn’t have anything to do with the town, as a long-haul trucker I didn’t get paid if the wheels aren’t turning. Also, there was the newly acquired head wound that I needed to get stitched up, but as any Canadian can tell you, you don’t go to a hospital in the US if you don’t have health insurance.

So my dilemma was that I had to get the load secured and back to Canada, where I wouldn’t have to pay to go to emergency. I figured that St. Catherines would be easier to get to with the truck than Niagara Falls, so this was my plan.

ytowntostcath.JPG

The warehouse guy came out and helped me chain down the rest of the load and I whipped over to the truck stop to weigh my axles.

They were out by a bit.

So I had to go back and get the load shifted ahead. By the time I got back to the truck stop, it was late afternoon and my head was pounding pretty bad. I also had to change my dressing and I was feeling really tired, so I thought I might grab a nap before heading north.

stormtrooper-2296199_960_720.jpg
(I thought they just left their dead and wounded.)

I should back up a bit and mention that throughout this time I was in contact with my boss who was urging me to go to the hospital and use his credit card. While I was screwing around he sent another driver that was passing through near me to stop in and see how bad I was.

He showed up in the truck stop washroom while I was trying to change my bandages.

blood-3192818_960_720.jpg
(It wasn’t this bloody, but close)

He said that Rudy was worried about me and asked if I needed help with the dressing. I said that I would really appreciate that as it is hard to work in the mirror.

He said that Rudy thought he could take me to the hospital and that he understood why after seeing my head. I guess the flap had crusted up pretty badly. He had the credit card and had already unhooked his trailer, so off we went to the hospital.

first-aid-850481_960_720.jpg
(It wasn’t quite this dramatic.)

When we got there we had to cross a picket line because the hospital was on strike. I wasn’t too worried about it until I saw the sign that said something about scab labor and my wound festering or something like that. Thanks, that’s fucking helpful.

When we got inside there was a lady doing the admitting, a pretty nurse, and a doctor from England. I guess they were the scabs. Oh well, lucky for me they were there.

first-aid-2411701_960_720.jpg
(I sure do love pixabay.com)

When the doctor saw me, he was a little perturbed that I had waited ten hours to come in. I guess there was a bit of rust or dirt still in there and he had to cut away some of the edges that were no good, but he got it stitched up. While he was stitching me up he asked where I was from.

I told him and he stopped what he was doing and asked me what the hell was with people in Canada. I said I didn’t know what he meant and he explained that since he had been there he had met three Canadians before me. One was the nurse, one was an elderly man that had been in a car accident and broke his leg and just wanted a splint put on it. Then there was a teenaged boy that was in a hockey tournament that had his eye socket fractured in the game that just wanted to get back to the arena for the last game. He said, “What do you guys think, you’re made of steel or something?”

first-aid-1732709_960_720.jpg
(Come on, these pictures are cute.)

I said, “No, what we’re not made of is money, and if we can make it four more hours we won’t be spending thousands of dollars here.”

He said that he thought I did this at work and when I replied that I had, he told me that it was all covered by worker’s compensation. I asked how much it would have cost and he figured about US$1200. Just to keep this face pretty.

scar.jpg
(Like how I used red to give it that real wound look?)

All in all, it was an above average run. Oddly not the worst one I had ever been on, but definitely not the best. The way I look at it is that I saved the company $1200 by getting hurt on the job and I didn’t even get a raise.

P.S. While I was looking around I found this at http://fox8.com/2017/07/29/hubbard-ohio-factory-owner-says-she-has-jobs-but-few-sober-applicants/

hubbard.JPG

If he’s going to MAGA, he should get the fuck to work.

Feb 17

Steemit

I don’t know if you’ve heard of it or not. I just heard about it a couple of weeks ago and joined up. It took a week to get my account approved, but it finally did and I started blogging there. My account is @profanereviews, but as I get rewards on there I plan on doing one up for Change The Topic as well.

It’s a pretty cool concept, as it’s a social media network built on a blockchain, so you get rewarded with Steem for posting and for curating content. It’s pretty complex, and I don’t know all the ins and outs, but basically you just find posts that you like and upvote them. Don’t waste your votes on shit though, because you only have a limited amount of voting power.

It’s been pretty good so far, and I’ve made about $20 in the last few days, which isn’t much for the work I’ve put in, but I’m just learning. Apparently if you can create consistent, original content that people like, you will gradually get more and more value out of the platform.

It’s really got me interested in writing again, so I’m posting some old reviews on there, but putting up a new story for every regurgitated one that I post. That was when I figured I would let you folks know about it. I think you can go on there and read any posts that you want, but if you want to upvote and comment, you need an account.

The accounts are free with a valid email and phone number, but just one per phone. After the first you have to either pay or use some of your rewards. I’m looking into just paying, but I know fuck all about cryptocurrency, so I will probably just build up and delegate. If it doesn’t take too long.

This was my introduce myself post, And I plan to write a bunch more, but they will probably mostly be on there, to try to build up my reputation and voting power. If you read this post, you will see that better curation is needed there and it’s up to the users to weed out the bad while upvoting the good. It’s just a side bonus that you can trade your Steem in for Bitcoin or other cryptocurrency, which you can then trade for cash, or apparently buy stuff with it. Like I said, I’m pretty ignorant about crypto, but I’m learning more every day.

Anyhow, if anyone is interested, check it out. It’s kind of neat, because everything is recorded and public, so if you make an account it’s there forever, along with anything you use the account for. Other than your email and phone number, you don’t have to use any personal information, so you can be pretty anonymous if you want to. I’ve never been the anonymous type, so I let it hang.

If you do join, let me know your username and I’ll follow you and help get you started.

Later, gators,

Birdman

Feb 11

So I Was Going Through A Year Of Blog Emails

Yeah, I forgot to add the blog webmail app to my last two phones, so it’s been a while.

There were hundreds of unchecked emails, but only about twenty that I actually cared about. Those were the companies wanting me to write about their shit, or them wanting me to post something they wrote about their shit.

I responded to all of them except the eight that were absolutely a no go.

Of the twelve, one has responded back with affirmation of pure joy, but they were very good at not showing any emotion at all.

Coincidentally, they were the ones that I was most intrigued by. Mostly because of their offer. They were willing to give me a credit on their client’s website if I wrote about the product.

It is a site called Paperless Post.

They do e-cards and that sort of thing.

You can get simple.

Hey, if you’re going to drop a bomb on someone, make it a good one.

But why not go all out? They also have fancy shit.

As I looked around the site, I realised that I had absolutely no use for any of the products at the moment, but didn’t feel right about getting their hopes up and then saying I wasn’t interested.

You also can’t tell someone that you will write something for them and then take months, or most likely years, to actually get around to it. Especially when you command the attention of more than dozens of people.

So I have decided that I will let you all spend my credit frivolously.

That’s right.

Frivolously and with wanton abandon.

  1. Go to Paperless Post and pick out anything from their site, or I can pick something for you. (take a screenshot or get the name)
  2. Compose an email to birdman@changethetopic.com
  3. Send me the info and the email address you want the card sent to.
  4. Wait.
  5. Let me know what you thought of the lavish gift in a reply to the original email. Scale of 1-10 should be fine.
  6. At the end, we will tally up the site and collectively do a review.

They said the credit will be there within the next three days, so when it goes in, I will start the shitshowfestivities.

Birdman

P.S. Bonus points for creativity.