Oct 25

Shit my lady knows…

Hey you guys, I skipped work today, drove to the city, had a wonderful lunch with a couple of assholes at Lahore Tikka on Gerrard St. and got some shit done. We then picked up the wee ones and hit up Value Village in Belleville for our Halloween costumes and had some Taco Bell for supper. Indian and synthesized Mexican in one day does a job on a fellow’s digestive tract, so I’ve forced my baby to jot down a few words while I drove and searched for a washroom. When I read this, I realized that she’s almost as much of a lady as I am. I then realized I was crying, and regained my title of “Biggest vagina in a house full of women”. Yayyyyyyyy, I’m probably going to hold that title for life, and as long as they love me for it, I’m going to keep it that way. Also, it keeps me occupied on long trips, and that’s just trying to find the little man in the canoe. I know that elusive bastard is in there somewhere.




I think you don’t walk around on this earth for 40 years without learning a thing or two.  I’m not saying I am an expert at all things life-related, but what I am saying, is that this amount of time gives you a certain amount of perspective.

Over the past 4 decades I have worn many hats:  daughter, sister, niece, student, friend, lover, wife, mother.  The list goes on and on.  There are some titles I am proud to bear, and some I’d rather forget I ever did.  Regardless, every step I have taken along the way has brought me to this moment, just as your steps have delivered you as well.

These are some of the things I would like my own daughters to learn long before I did.  I would like them to know what they really want in this life, and what kinds of things are important enough to fight for.  So here goes…an open letter to my kids, and a wish that they get it right early in life.

Love your parents.  Good or bad, they probably did the best they could with what they had.  Put away as much of the anger as you are able.  You are going to fuck your kids up too, just by doing the best YOU can.  Full Circle, baby.  Someday they will be gone, so love them as much as you can while you have the chance.

Have principles and stick to them.  You know what’s right and wrong, and your beliefs are going to keep you company for a very long time.  Surround yourself with people who are honest, and who are true to their word.  One person doing the right thing can make a difference, however small it might be.  Be the strongest person you can, and never turn your back on your beliefs.

Love yourself.  If you don’t, or won’t, no one else will either.  Love every bit of you: your body, your mind, and your heart.  You will be showing others how to treat you, so love and respect who you are, and never accept less than you deserve.

You can and should control yourself. Understand that you cannot control anyone else.  I have wanted to control others, and I have tried in many ways to subtly, and not-so-subtly exert my influence on other people.  It’s not very affective.  You control you.  That’s it.  This is one of those things I wish I had learned much earlier in life.  Live and learn, I guess. You. Control. You.

Love with all your heart, but don’t waste your love on people who can’t, or won’t, love you with all of their heart.  There is truly no greater happiness than experiencing unconditional love from your partner.  It’s beautiful to see yourself through the eyes of someone who loves you more than you love yourself.   You deserve to be loved like this.

I wish for you, the kind of happiness that everyone dreams of.  I want you to take pride in your accomplishments, and to learn from your mistakes.  I want you to be loved deeply and forever, by someone who loves and respects you.  I want you to become a mother someday, and to learn what it feels like to have your heart swell far beyond your imagination.

I will do my best with you girls, because you deserve everything I’ve got.  If I kiss you too much, or hug you too often, then I will be doing my job well.   I hope that when you are grown women, with busy lives and children that are embarrassed by you, that you smile when you think of me, and that you are thankful for the happiness you have known, and the love in which you have been securely wrapped.

Come give momma a little sugar,

Mrs. Birdman

Oct 23

Cream of puffball soup! Are you kidding me?

Well friends, everything works out for a reason I guess, and last night was no different. We stopped in at my sister Shelley’s yesterday around lunchtime, because that’s how we roll. I must have looked hungrier than my darling, because I was eventually offered a hot dog, and by then, it was quite welcome. While there, we were asked when we were available to go out for dinner, because my sisters wanted to see me before I left. (Pretty sweet, huh?) We figured that it had to be last night, so we hemmed and hawed until we had come up with a plan that included no children, and maybe a pint or two.

We decided on Capers in Campbellford, ON, because it is our favourite date restaurant, and my sisters have heard us rave about it so much that they wanted to try it for themselves. So, Mrs. Birdman made the reservations, Kelley arranged a babysitter at her place, and we all dropped our children off there. We then embarked on our kidless journey to have a nice meal without any complaining, fighting or unwelcome noise. It was just six adults on a four hour gastronomic vacation. The world was our oyster, and we were going to experience life firsthand.

I know what you’re thinking: Why would anyone want to go hang out with their family, on purpose? Well, I maybe haven’t mentioned it before, but I’m pretty lucky when it comes to life. You know how you just love your family, no matter what? There is a rule there that demands a deep, unspoken bond, a rule that states you must stand by someone, even though you can’t stand speaking to them. My family is no different, except for the fact that I truly like them as well. Mrs. B likes them too, and we also like their husbands, so that’s a huge plus. I can’t say how they feel about us, but they treat us really well, and make us feel welcome all the time, so what more can you ask for?

I surely couldn’t have ended up with better brothers-in-law, (or is it brother-in-laws?) than I have been given. They are good providers and they are both devoted to my sisters and their children. That’s really all you could hope for, isn’t it, that the people you love the most are well cared for and loved themselves? Well, amazingly, they are also stand up guys, very funny, and extremely kind-hearted. We really couldn’t be luckier. I have to admit that I was skeptical, as I always was, because you don’t want your sisters to wind up marrying a couple of douchebags. You know the ones, they sit around drinking, not holding down a job, maybe fucking around on them, if they can find some chick that will agree to it. I’ve met my share of them, and so have you. There’s a good chance that a few of that type of douchebag is reading this right now, and if that’s true then SMARTEN UP, YOU PIECE OF SHIT. Get a grip on life, and man up. There are people that rely on you, and you are letting them down, but most of all, you are letting yourself down.

Sorry, I got sidetracked.

To my sisters, I want you to know how proud I am to be your brother. I have watched you both grow into fantastic women, wives and mothers. I also want you to know that I am sorry if I was a bitter asshole before I met my true love. I’m still an opinionated blowhard, but I hope I’ve softened enough that I’m not unpleasant to be around. You need to know that you are both on my mind daily, and if I don’t call you often enough, it’s because I know that you each have someone that I wholeheartedly trust with your well being. I know that your husbands put your needs and wants before their own, and they would never let anything happen to you or those kids, while they still have life. They love you like Mom loves you. Like I love you. Except the whole sex part, that’s a bit different, but the love part, that’s the same. I’m going to go wipe my vagina now.

Holy shit, that dinner was good last night, wasn’t it? I can’t figure out why we don’t do that more often? Puffball soup, my mind is still blown.

No sign off line today,


P.S. Did you notice how I messed with your mind there? No sign off line is the sign off line. I’m so damn clever.

Oct 21

Last night was tough

When I got home last night, it was around 7:30 and I was hungry and tired. My sweet baby made me some damn fine soup that she learned about from a friend, and she spit fired a chicken in the backyard, so that I could have a nice, hot chicken on a kaiser with it. I was thinking about how lucky I was, when the phone rang and Mrs. Birdman had to speak with a client. The girls bedroom door then opened, with two bored little girls holding a handful of tattoo markers. So, seeing as their mom was on the phone, I allowed them to give me some new ink. They actually did a pretty good job for little kids. Awww, who am I kidding? They did a better job than I could have done, I totally suck at art.

Look out, Kat Von D...she's gunning for your job

We decided that it was time to tell them that I was going away for a while. Not because we were just waiting for the right time, but I guess it just never came up before. It is two weeks away now, so I guess it might have been a little late, but what do you do? There was a lot of asking “Why?” and  tears welling up in the eyes, but that was just from me. T didn’t think it was fair that I was going to be gone for Christmas, and when I told her that I was coming back for the holidays, her eyes dried and brightened up and she said, “Are you going to bring us something?” That brought me back from the edge, and we all had a laugh and some hugs. After that we went out in the rain and lit a bonfire, and we roasted wieners and s’mores, while telling ghost stories and reliving the past ten months together. Ten months. It seems like we’ve been together far longer than that. I have a hard time remembering when I wasn’t looking out for them, or fixing something up, like the luge track down the snowplow pile, which had been dug out into a fort.

I explained to them that I don’t like leaving for work before they wake up, and coming home when they are in bed, or getting ready for bed. I told them that I want to eat breakfast and supper with them, and that if I go out for the winter, it will afford us the option for me to look for a better job with better hours. A job that I can be happy at. Can you imagine? I know some of you can, I’m living with one. I actually feel pretty selfish about wanting that for myself, partly because I don’t think that I deserve it more than anyone else, but mostly because it’s me that wants to be here with them. I didn’t once ask if they would like me to be here more. Maybe they are quite happy with me showing up for an hour or two each day, and every other weekend we’ll maybe do something fun. I guess it is selfish, but I don’t even care. I hate when they are already in bed when I get home, and I know I won’t get to see them until the next night, if I get done early enough.

I always think about when I was a little kid, and my dad would go out for a few beer after work, and he’d come into our rooms and wake us up to say he loved us. I never cared that he woke me up, I liked seeing him, but he was my father, and that kind of thing is acceptable when you’re a dad. It seems a bit creepy if a step-dad is doing that, no matter how innocent. It’s too bad that the world has come to that really, but I totally understand. I’ve taken the girls out on several occasions, and I’m scared shitless. I am constantly watching everyone that goes near them, looks their way or breathes upwind of them. It totally freaks me out, because you never know who is lurking, or where. I know the odds are slim, but every other parent that has had a child snatched has probably said the same thing. I think it’s worse if they aren’t your children, because then there are two or more people that can’t live with themselves.

What a fucked up world we live in. I remember being a kid, and the whole community looked out for the kids there. We were told what houses to stay away from, and who we weren’t to talk to. If we did what we were told, nothing bad would happen. I rarely did what I was told, and when I would get home, my parents knew where I had been, who I was with and what I did. I was usually sneaking a smoke that we stole from Bugsy’s parents or maybe shooting bottle rockets at the ducks with Joe. It didn’t matter, I would get spotted, and promptly ratted out. I’m glad I got caught, because that meant there were people all over the place that cared about me, and I have no doubt that if any harm was befalling me, those same people that were telling on me, would be right there helping me.

So thank you Wally Young, Shorty Sandercock, Clara Drope, Nancy Houston, and the countless other people who gave a shit about what happened to me. Even though most of you are gone, you are not forgotten. I don’t know if there is a saying about community shaping the children, but there should be. Someone make it up, so I don’t have to. Ah, what the hell, I’ll try a few. “A person is only as good as the community that they grew up in.” or, “A person with no community, is not a person, they are a fucking savage.” Maybe I’ll leave the quote making up to the professionals. Anyhow, I loved where I grew up, I loved how I was raised, and I love who I’ve become. I guess it doesn’t get any better than that, does it? Oh, maybe a good job to come back to, but whatever, I’ll make out okay, I always do.

Give a kid shit tomorrow,


P.S. The cooking the chicken in the backyard, and the bonfire thing might be bullshit.

Oct 15

My blog is straight now, thanks to Alchymyth

I would like to publicly thank Alchymyth from the wordpress.org support forums. He/she helped me get it straightened out, even though it had to be explained to my newbie ass in the simplest of terms and several times. I’ve asked for help on the forums before, but I had always kind of knew what I was doing, so it didn’t seem like a big deal, so this time I was thinking about it and decided that these people who give freely of their time, should be honoured for once.

I wonder how many of us take for granted the help we receive on the internet? I know I do. After I got the site fixed, I looked at Alchymyth’s profile, and there were all kinds of helpful hints and how-to articles on there. There was also a donate button, which I think is a fabulous idea. There is no demand for money, just a “I’ll help you, you can help me if you feel like it, or not” option. I donated $5, because I appreciated what they had done for me, and it would have cost me a lot more to take it to whoever works on that sort of thing. I mean, come on, I know $5 isn’t going to make or break someone, but it’s something I won’t miss, and maybe it’ll buy someone a coffee after work. That’s actually how the donation part is worded.

“If this information was useful, and helped you to save time and energy, consider buying me a coffee or a beer.

That’s just what it said on their site at http://www.transformationpowertools.com/wordpress/ which I found after they had helped me. Now I feel cheap for only giving $5, because it only converts to £3, but times are tough all over, and I’m relatively thrifty. Now if they came over here for a beer, I’d probably take them out and get them pissed up, because for some reason my cheap ass gets more generous when I’ve had a few wobbly pops. I’ll tell you what Alchymyth. If I ever make it over there (and I do plan to), I’ll let you know, or if you get to southern Ontario (near Toronto), you let me know, and I’ll take you out for as many beer as you can drink. I really hope that you’re a hundred pound girl that can only drink two.

Let's get pissed

In conclusion, I think you should all go and say thank you to anyone who has ever helped you on the internet for free. Seriously, go back through your life and remember each and every one of them. It would be even nicer if you found out where they live and go there with a delicious fruit basket or some chocolate covered cherries. I guess you could also just send them an email or something simple and nice like that. We all need a little pat on the back once in a while, and I’m no different. Please pat my back, and while you’re there, it could use a little scratching below the left shoulder blade.


Have another kick at the proverbial can,


Oct 14

Eighteen more days :(

I’m really not looking forward to this. I know it’s the best thing for us right now, and I know it’s not the end of the world, but I dread the fact that I’m not going to be tucking anyone in , getting spontaneous hugs or being there to answer geography questions. Well, unless I end up in camp with Doug, but what are the chances of that? I am really going to miss these girls that are now such a huge part of my life. I am going to miss their smiles when I finally get home from work, the groans of displeasure when they don’t get what they want and the way they fight tooth and nail, and then make up immediately after and say “I love you” to each other. It makes me realize what I was missing all of those years, and I wonder where I’d be now if I had had children when I was younger. Divorced to be sure, and probably working lots of overtime at some factory job to give my kids as good an upbringing as possible, while trying to be as big a part of their life as I can.

I always figured I’d be a good dad, because I had two fathers to learn from. I’m not saying they were perfect by any means, but they did try, and they grew up in a different time, so they were just doing what they had learned. You have to give people credit for trying, right? I mean, times are constantly changing, and what was right yesterday, may not be right today and surely won’t be right tomorrow. Some of the hard-ass things that were taught by their fathers, were certainly softened by the time it was their turn to carry the torch.

When I say that I learned from them, I mean what to do, and also what not to do. I learned that speaking to children like they are idiots, will only create feelings of inadequacy and resentment, but if you allow a child to help with something important, while telling them that you couldn’t have done it without them, it will make them feel like a million bucks, and there isn’t much that they can’t accomplish if they try. Another thing that I picked up as a child is that there isn’t much that a hug and an explanation can’t fix when you’ve just gotten a blast of shit for something. There are few feelings worse than being told you’ve done something very bad and sent away, while never being told why it was wrong and what you could have done instead. That just creates anxiety by making them wonder what they did that was wrong.

One thing that always made me feel as though I was really special, was getting to do something fun, without any of the other kids. That was something that we had, it was something that we bonded over. It didn’t even matter what it was. A walk in the woods, throw a ball back and forth, or fix up an old Ski-Doo.

Oh right, we were talking about going to camp. Like I said, I’m not looking forward to it. I’ll be gone about six weeks for the first stint, and they might forget who I am. I’m hoping they remember me, and that nothing will change when I get back for Christmas, but there is always that feeling in the back of my mind, that I won’t be as important to them as they are to me, because I wasn’t there every night to say sweet dreams, or to help them with a project. That thought really scares me, even though I know it’s only six weeks, and I’ll be able to send and receive videos on the phone and if I’m lucky, the camps will have better wi-fi than last year, and I’ll be able to Skype every night.

Shit, that would be so sweet to be able to see those faces before I crawl under my thin wool blanket, with the sounds of loud TVs, and the asshole that always seems to be having a fight with his girlfriend every night at ten o’clock. When I was gone last year, I hadn’t been more than their mother’s friend, and they didn’t understand that I was going to be such a big part of their life, and neither did I.

I guess we never know how much we are going to love someone, until it happens, and even then it seems that there is no limit to how far it can go. When I met Mrs. Birdman, I knew I liked her, and I thought I could fall in love with her, because I admired, respected and adored her, but I honestly never thought it could be like this, and every day that we are together, she shows me new depths to her personality, and in so doing, she’s shown me new heights within myself that I hit, and others that I aspire to.

I do dread going to camp, but I know that what we have is strong and deep enough, that a month and a half will fly by, and then comes the reunion cocooning. I happen to know from experience, that it’s the best type of cocooning, and other than a bit of dehydration and some friction sores, it will make you forget that you were ever apart.


You look extremely sexy in spandex,