Jul 28

The Many Lives And Deaths Of Dovey-Doo – Chapter Five

We’re free!

After a sweep of the perimeter and all appropriate spots marked, Blue and Dover took off running into the woods. It was mostly uphill, except for a short flat spot. The boys stopped for a breather and to roll in a bit of fox shit that Dover found.

“Nice find, Dovey. This is the first fox shit I have ever seen when Dad wasn’t watching me.”

“I didn’t know it was fox shit. What’s a fox?”

“I’ve only met one when I lived in Ontario. She was eating a bunny and I tried to get some. It didn’t work out very well for me. She bit my face.”

“Hahaha, she bit you? On the face! Hahaha, why didn’t you just hump her into submission?”

Blue had enough and started up the hill again. Dover had a quick squirt and trundled after him. That’s when he saw her.

She was watching Blue walk away and hadn’t noticed him.

She smelled good. Like the chicken coop, and maybe honey.

Dover ran over to her and she jumped back and yipped at him. He tried to get closer but she kept dodging and nipping. She was so fast. He had never seen anything like her. Her tail was so fluffy and beautiful. He charged at her to get a better smell but she lunged at him and almost bit his face.

He got a little scared and she saw it.

When he backed up she kept coming at him. He was hoping that she wasn’t going to start humping him into submissionhumiliation. That would be too embarrassing and Blue would never let him forget it.

Dover decided right then and there that he was going to fight back. He wished his teeth weren’t tiny nubs, but he had the low center of gravity on his side, and he was really hungry. He didn’t want to kill and eat a beautiful fox, but he would if forced.

He stopped retreating and let out his trademarked, low growl as he turned sideways and dropped his shoulder as she lunged at him. She was too far into it to stop and rolled right over him. As she was scrambling to get back to her feet, Dover knocked her over again and grabbed her throat with his far too soft mouth.

Luckily he had a lot of power behind those tiny, ground down teeth and he quickly choked the wind out of her. He let go when he realized that she had given up. She slowly lifted her head and looked sheepishly at him. He smelled her fur deeply and licked her. Then he sat down.

He looked around to see where Blue was. He wanted that smug prick to see that he had beat up a wild fox.

Nowhere to be seen.

That figures. If he had seen that display of strength maybe he wouldn’t be so quick to always pin me down and hump me, Dover thought. Maybe the people wouldn’t always talk about me like I was the fat kid that can’t defend himself. I am sick of being called “Chubs” and “Puffalump”. They never look at my creative side. I’m just sick of it.

He looked back at the fox and she was sitting now; looking at him. He was still breathing heavily, so he had his big smile on. The one he saves for a hard run to the end of the yard when he has to poop.

She moved slowly toward Dover and smelled his bunghole. He seemed okay. He didn’t have nuts for some reason, but she was alright with that. She could use a friend since her old man had got himself hit by the truck. She let him get a good whiff of her and then she started trotting away. She turned to see if he was coming, but he was just standing there with a dumb looking smile on his face.

She motioned her head for him to follow and he did. She had a small cache with half a beaver carcass in it. She figured she would share it with him before the maggots took over.

What could it hurt?

Dover got to the beaver and was in his version of heaven. Free meat and he didn’t have to shake paws or lay down for it. He just dug right in. He wished his food at home had maggots. They were delicious, but you had to chew them or you could feel them wriggling all the way down.

When they finished, Dover had a drink of water from the lake and then laid down for a nap. He was really going to like this new life. Free meat, lots of clean water and a really good smelling fox to hang out with. It was perfect for a lazy dog with no sense of smell.

He dreamed of all the nice days on the beach with his new friend.

When he awoke, it was raining. He looked up to the edge of the woods and saw his new friend there, intently staring into the grass. He walked up and saw that there were three mice laying by a log. He happily gobbled them up.

Life was fantastic.

He should have gone outside more often.

She looked up from her hunting and watched in horror as he ate the three mice that she had caught for her kits. She was soaking wet and she was tired.

Fuck this guy. I just spent two hours getting those for my babies, while his fat ass laid in the sand. They need to start eating solid food and he devoured them in less than thirty seconds. I am running this lazy bastard off right now.

She let out a scream as she sprinted towards him. The look of shock as he noticed her was priceless. He started stumbling and those short, little legs started moving a mile a minute. He was heading straight into the forest and she had to stop because she was laughing so hard. Maybe if he put that much energy into the rest of life, he would get a lot further.

Oh well, good riddance.

What the hell just happened? Did she go crazy or something? What was that scream? Screw this, I’m going back to the campsite.

Dover looked around and realized he had no idea where he was. If he had run down the beach, he would be able to find it, probably, but he ran into the woods.

Looks like I’ll have to just keep walking until I find a road. It shouldn’t take too long. I’ll just stop for a nap.

Eight days later, Dover walked out to a huge concrete place with cars and trucks pulling up to a building. He walked over and people started petting him.

One nice lady let him into her office.

Jul 21

The Many Lives And Deaths Of Dovey-Doo – Chapter Four

It was 4:30 AM

Dover and Blue had heard something that woke them up, and then they smelled it.

It was definitely a fart. Dad was drinking beer again.

“Let us out!” They yelled in their highest pitched whine.

“Step on his nuts. He’ll wake up and make us get out.” Blue said, laughing. He didn’t think Dover was that stupid, but it turned out that he was. “Sorry, Dad.” Blue said as he danced around like a wood sprite.

The truck door opened. The world was theirs.

After they ran around and pissed on as many things as they could, they decided to go along the cliff at the far end of the beach. There were some pretty cool smells there last night, so who knew what the night had brought?

As Blue looked over the beach at the rocks and driftwood logs, he estimated it at about thirty feet to the craggy shelf below. That would be an ugly fall, he thought to himself as he turned to see Dover squeeze out two more drops on some wild strawberry plants.

“Hey, we should go back and have breakfast because it’s almost 6:30. They brought our old kibble. The one with the chicken.” Dover excitedly told Blue.

“It sounds like we might have to go back to that full-time. I heard them saying that feeding us raw was just a bit too expensive. They weren’t expecting the shipping to be so much.” Blue mentioned dismally. “You know, it seems like ever since you came along, I have had to do with less.”

“Yeah, but that kibble is good though. I like the raw food too, but I’m okay with the kibble. It’s better than the garbage Walmart food I had to eat at my last place. It was made of corn. You could taste it.”

“I know the kibble is okay, but now it’s like the time we had to eat Kibbles ‘n’ Bits for that whole weekend. I can’t go back after having that raw food. You can taste the chicken and pumpkin in it, and what must be apple. That’s how food is supposed to taste. Not dried out and powdered.”

Blue noticed Dover walking over as his thoughts trailed off. He just couldn’t go back to eating the dried shit. There had to be a way to help bring the cost down.

He looked over the bank again and shuddered at the thought of falling.

Dover was going on about his hunger and how they should get back, but Blue was just thinking of ways to save $40 a month. If only he could speak human, and had hands. He would be good at courier work around town. The cottonheads at the home could hire him to get their groceries.

Too bad they had already labelled Blue as untrustworthy after that time they left the main door open and the deli tray out on the coffee table. Nobody told him “NO!”, so how was he supposed to know they weren’t for him?

He even left them allmost of the pickles. What’s the big deal?

Dover was smelling something and whining and that’s when Blue figured out how he was going to save a whole lot more than $40 a month on dog food.

“Hey, Dover. Check this out. I think it’s ham.”

His head spun sideways as his back legs dug in and launched him in Blue’s direction.

Dover loved ham. It was so salty and delicious.

As he got close, Blue motioned to the edge of the bank. Dover was so excited to have ham and then his regular breakfast he didn’t notice Blue’s leg stick out and trip him as he went by. He tried to regain himself but hit a rock and stumbled sideways. Then he skidded over the cliff on his side.

As he looked around, bewildered, he realized there was no ham. He couldn’t smell or see any meat at all. Blue had lied to him. The disappointment was evident on his face as he plummeted to the rocks below.

Blue felt a pang of remorse, but it went away when he thought of the flavour explosion in his mouth that was going to be happening Every. Damn. Day. Sure there would be nobody to share the blame when the garbage got eaten, but he also wasn’t going to have to share the garbage either.

Win/win.

He supposed he should run into some trees at full throttle to bust up his body a bit, but he would wait until he was a little closer. No need to inflict a bunch of pain earlier than necessary.

Oh good, it was starting to rain. That will only add to the effect.

 

Jul 18

Therapy Thursday S01-E03 – Comedy Open Mic Round 22

Yep, we are back, thanks to @cryptkeeper17 and some poor choices on our part. We really appreciate the letter and if anyone else wants to send something in, we will be offering two shares in Steem Basic Income to anyone that gets onto the show.

Send your problems, questions, or thoughts to birdman@changethetopic.com or, if you are brave you can throw it in the comments here. I’m also on Discord at Chris Bird#2542 if you want to DM me.

You can find out more about Comedy Open Mic Round 22 on the link you just passed by. This week I am nominating @mourningnoodles and @enginewitty to join in the fun. Maybe wait until next round though. It’ll give you a bit more time to prepare.

Jul 14

The Many Lives And Deaths Of Dovey-Doo – Chapter Three

Okay, I’m awake.

I’m a little fuzzy from the few beers I had before bed, but I can distinctly feel the paws trying to pierce different parts of my body while the whining is piercing my brain.

I guess the dogs want out for a pee.

I open the door and as they bolt out, I crack my eyelids to see the sun peeking over Butler Ridge and licking the treetops above the truck. I check my phone.

Grrrr, it’s 4:30 AM. We mumble some questions, like “Why do they need out this early?” and “Shouldn’t they be exhausted from all the running they did on the beach last night?”

I wait a few minutes and open the door to let them in. They want no part of the offer.

“Should we go out and get them?” Gerri asks hazily.

“No, they probably just want to smell around and see if anything visited in the night. They’ll be ready for a nap by breakfast.”

We drifted back to sleep and woke up around 6:30. They still weren’t back, so we got up to get the coffee ready and realized that we forgot the kettle or any sort of a pot to boil water in.

We improvised. Coffee was fundamental.

You gotta do what you gotta do.

I don’t know about you, but I went through the levels of Scouts Canada. The motto was “Be Prepared.”

I stole this from Wikipedia to explain:

Baden-Powell on “Be Prepared”[edit]

In English, this motto is most commonly Be Prepared. In the third part of Scouting for Boys Robert Baden-Powell explains the meaning of the phrase:

The Scout Motto is: BE PREPARED which means you are always in a state of readiness in mind and body to do your DUTY.

  • Be Prepared in Mind by having disciplined yourself to be obedient to every order, and also by having thought out beforehand any accident or situation that might occur, so that you know the right thing to do at the right moment, and are willing to do it.
  • Be Prepared in Body by making yourself strong and active and able to do the right thing at the right moment, and do it.[1]

“To do the right thing at the right moment” can be extreme:

“Where a man has gone so far as to attempt suicide, a Scout should know what to do with him.”[2]
“BE PREPARED to die for your country if need be, so that when the moment arrives you may charge home with confidence, not caring whether you are going to be killed or not”[3]

Okay, so I might have started drinking and smoking weed before they explained the last part, but you have to admit we were pretty prepared with those empty booze cans. Sure we forgot cell charger cords and almost all cooking implements, but look what we did remember.

Our neighbours were kind enough to give us some homemade Irish Cream. They must have been Scouts as well.

Even though we were facing great hurdles, we made do, just like they taught me in Scouts.

Here’s the proof.

Oh good, we can start our day.

At 7 AM, there was still no sign of the boys and it was supposed to start raining in a couple of hours. Blue, I could see not caring about meals, but Dover was only keeping himself alive to eat. He has never missed a meal since we have had him. It’s not that we wouldn’t have forgotten, it’s just that he starts the high-pitched whine about thirty minutes before mealtime and doesn’t quit until he’s fed, so we can’t not feed him.

As we drank our delicious elixir, we walked around and yelled for the boys. We wanted to pack up the dining tent and trailer, but we didn’t want it to start raining if we were still there looking for dogs. So we left it up. This proved to be a good choice.

It’s a pretty sweet setup.

As I walked along, drinking my boozy coffee, a feeling hit me that has probably hit a few of you after a bit of coffee and exercise.

Lucky for me, there were a couple of outhouses just around the corner. I started heading that way with a can of bear spray in my hand. I walked into the shitter and the door, which was on a spring and swings inwards, slammed behind me.

That’s when I heard it.

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

I looked up and there was a wasp nest on the ceiling, maybe a foot above my head. The slam must have woke them up and they were piling out of the hole. Of course, I had a roll of toilet paper in one hand and a can of bear spray in the other and the door handle was one of those small, D shaped ones that I just couldn’t grasp until I stuffed the spray under my arm. I could feel them on my head and neck, so as soon as I got the door open I was running and screaming towards the truck with my free hand swiping wildly.

Gerri, who had watched me grab the bear spray, thought a bear was chasing me and was preparing to jump in the truck. I managed to escape with only one sting on the back of my leg, but now I felt the call of nature even louder than it’s already urgent cry.

Well, bushes it is.

By around 10:30, in the pouring rain, we unhooked the trailer and started heading for Moberly Lake to get a charger cord and some more food in case we had to stay an extra night. We hoped that the dogs would be waiting there when we got back but figured a pack of smokies and buns wouldn’t hurt, plus we could use another jug of water.

When we got back, Blue was there but Dover wasn’t. Blue was in rough shape, but he’s a pretty tough dog. It’s Dover that isn’t very bright or worldly. He was the one we had to save.

We had to figure out what had happened out there. This is what we came up with.

This is where all future chapters will jump off from. You may have noticed that there are some repeats from Chapter One, but I was trying to get a bit more story in. Remember that these are basically all rough drafts for the final project, so if you see things that don’t make sense or work well, please let me know in a comment or some other way that you would rather get a hold of me.

I’m always open to suggestions.

Jul 11

Therapy Thursday S01-E02 – Comedy Open Mic Round 21

Yes, that’s right. We are trying this out on video now. We did another one a while ago, but it was only on Steemit. It was one that only Steemians would understand anyhow.

So yeah, we also address the return of Dover at the end.

As usual, send any questions, problems, or topics to birdman@changethetopic.com and if you want it to be anonymous just use Guerrilla Mail or some other shady email service. Apparently, there are a few.

For any Steemians out there, we will reward any of your submissions that make it into a post with a total of 1 SBD. This means that if it takes two to make an episode, the prize will be .5 SBD for each of the submissions. Just throw us an upvote, comment, or a resteem and put your steem ID in the submission email and we’ll go from there.

For this grand entry, we nominate @jonatftforest to come up with something funny that’s carving related and @friendsofgondor to post something donkey related.