Aug 09

My Wife Said I Should Make A Post Out Of This

(This is from our guest blogging page. Sort of. It’s been awhile since I’ve pandered to you to write anything, but it wasn’t because I didn’t want you to. I just get busy and don’t think about things sometimes. If you’d like to do a guest post or a bunch of them, just follow these steps.)

ChangeTheTopicBANNER

First of all… GET AN IDENTITY. I’d like to say that writing has helped me immensely. I have learned to deal with my emotions, instead of tamping them down; I’ve also learned a lot about grammar and punctuation. I know from talking to a lot of you, that you have some interesting stories, and you also have some funny stories (dogs eating shit comes to mind). I know that some of you are embarrassed to write these stories for whatever reason, and I understand, so here’s a cool thing you can do that will also add mystery to your life. Create a pseudonym (pen name) for yourself. Make it something that no one would guess, and then create an email account for that persona. It’s very easy to make another email address, but I’m not sure of the easiest way. I just go to mail.google.com and make a gmail account, but it’s just a preference thing. I would prefer it if you posted as yourself, of course, because I consider all of you friends, but I do know about stage fright and whatnot.

Second of all… WRITE. It’s really not that hard, once you get started. We will help you with your post as much as we can, and we also have access to real english teachers and shit for editing if we need it. You can write about whatever you want, and we promise not to publish it, until you are satisfied. I think about how you all know me a little better than I know you, and I think that puts me at a disadvantage, so I want to hear about your life. What kind of shenanigans did you get up to as a teen? What are your dreams, fears, trials and tribulations? What scares the bejeezus out of you, and what empowers you, and gets your ass out of bed in the morning. Do you want to hug your kids until their spine cracks, (not recommended) or do you just want to have kids? How’s your relationship? Would you like to hear someone say that they love you, but they never do? These are all things that we want to hear about, because we have all been there at some point. Maybe you have a real problem, and you would like to get other peoples view points on it. We welcome all submissions, and also any suggestions. You never know, you may want to start your own blog if you like it.

Third thing… SEND IT IN. The best way for us is if you copy and paste it into the email body, and send it in that way. It just makes it easy to copy it to the post box from there. The email address is

birdman at changethetopic dot com

Another cool thing is if you do it via the Harass Us page, you can put in a fake email and name, and I won’t even know who you are. That way you can be completely anonymous.

Thanks for reading our meager blog, and keep on loving each other,

Change The Topic

Feb 22

I’m Getting All Mouthy Again

mindofbirdman

Yep. Brandon from My Own Private Idaho was looking for guest posters, because he finds that he is getting a little swamped right now.

Hey Brandon, if you’d just hire a driver, you could write and post while in between cities. Problem solved, bitch, and you’re welcome. I’m a time manager. It’s what I do.

Well, until he gets his shit together, we shall continue on. If you remember, a few weeks ago, Brandon helped me out while Mrs. B and I were on vacation. He submitted a funny little piece on strengthening the bond between our countries and it was well received.

I wasn’t quite as kind to him. I chose to voice my opinion on religion!

I know, but when someone says that there are no rules except for no nudity or porn, I tend to do whatever the hell I want. Now, without further ado, here’s the post that you’ve heard so much about from me.

 

Feb 01

Understanding Stereotypes: Canada vs America

(I want to thank Brandon from My Own Private Idaho for this awesomely awesome post. I should have put it up before, but because we are having such a great time here, I didn’t check my mail much at all. Sorry. Anyhow, here it is, and make sure you go and read his very excellent blog when you’re done here. Okay, it’s bedtime. Good night.)

american stereotypes captain murica demotivational

Since the Birdman is on vacation in Amurrrrica, I thought I would shed some light on American culture to my Canadian friends (and vice versa).
For example, not all Americans are morbidly obese.

american stereotypes i'm not fat just american
Just most of us.  Compared to a lot of other ‘Murricans, I’m a svelte 250.
I’m not fat, I’m curvy.  *cue up ‘I’m sexy and I know it’*

Yes, we are the land of the free and the home of the Whopper, where obesity is genetic but homosexuality is a choice, but DON’T YOU DARE take away our freedom to gorge ourselves!  Life, liberty, and a 59-cent super-size!
If anything, you’d think it would be the opposite.  Canada is farther North and much colder, and the extra layers would help keep you warm…

Another stereotype that I would like to disprove:  Not all of us are country-music listening, tobacco chewing, AR15 brandishing rednecks.

Again, it’s just most of us.  Just because we’re looking at changing our official motto to “This is America: SPEAK ENGLISH” doesn’t mean we’re all ignorant and self-centered.

I love my country.  I really do.  But I recognize I am not the center of the universe.

Hell, the US is not even the center of the world anymore.  The world’s economy (unfortunately) orbits around China.  If we measured world rank by the number of rappers and ‘bling’ however, we’d still be a solid #1.
But us Americans aren’t the only one that can be pigeon-holed…
canada america's hat
For example, I’m fairly certain that you Nukkies are more than Hockey and beavers.
And I’m sure that, if I went down on a Canadian woman, she wouldn’t ‘taste’ like maple syrup
(or would she?  I’m intrigued now…)
Canada has given the world celebrities like Pam Anderson and Justin Bieber Celine Dion Eugene Levy, and great Canadian comedy like The Kids in the Hall.
Oh, and Scott Pilgrim vs The World.  Epic movie, even if I giggled when I heard someone say “a-boot.”
I also know that Canada is more than just frozen tundra and herds of mooses (meeses? moose?).
Although, some of the Canadian moose-related stories seem like they fit the stereotype well…
canadian stereotypes sister hits moose
I would like to take this opportunity to help break the border.  To extend an olive branch to my Canadian friends, and to help us become stronger neighbors.
With all the woes of the world, we should be working together.  We should be allies, and stand united as one voice to the world.
…just as long as we can still make fun of Mexico…

mexican stereotype with sombrero and mustache

Oct 13

What your Girlfriend really does when Home Alone (Guest Post)

Sponsored Post by Donna Peak

Sex toys are no secret. Chances are you have a few stashed away for foreplay. If you have a drawer full, I will honestly tell you what your girlfriend does with them when you’re not home – before I begin however I will recall what you do with the sex toys first…

Guys are so eager, they see a vagina and they think we want it stuffed full with thigh-slapping motions. They think we don’t want just 1 finger, we want as many as you can stuff into the hole all while wiggling and twisting your knuckles. Because we know you’re trying so hard, our reaction is always the same “ooh baby. Oh yea”

Then the sex toys come out and at least it’s a nice change – and we’ll finally get something that feels good – until the man gets hold of it again. Take the g-spot vibrator, they shove it up to the hilt and wiggle it asking us how does that feel. Yes, it does feel good but vibrations around my fallopian tubes gets kind of annoying after awhile. Then I move your hand outward a little guiding him to the real spot. Pssst: The g-spot is only 2-3 inches inside, not behind the belly button you fools!

OK that was tolerable. Now it’s time for the rabbit vibrator. You thrust it in and out, repeatedly hitting the rabbit head over the clitoris in a sloppy motion. Honestly, do you think that feels good? So again I guide the hand to hold the vibrator there with minimal motion. Guys aren’t interested in “stick it-and click-it” play so eventually the thrusting motion resumes. Enter fake orgasm number 1. OK now I just want sex, so then we do it and I hold the bullet vibrator over my clitoris and cum at the same time as you. I have a powerful bullet so that I can orgasm in less than a minute, just like you. Taking my pleasure into my own hands I finally feel good. Continue reading

Aug 15

The Finale To The Story About My Neighbour And Pornos

I wrote a guest post over at

He is a dickhead, but his blog is awesome!

and left it for more than two weeks without an ending. I know, I’m an asshole, but I finally got around to finishing it, and then he finally got around to publishing it. You should go and read it now. It’s

Right Here