Dec 11

My Next Adventure

I’ve been thinking about writing a book for a long time now, but I’m quite lazy and become daunted by the thought of sitting down and writing a whole book at once.

So I figured that I would write it a chapter at a time on here. It would probably give me more incentive to actually do it, rather than drive around in a snowplow just thinking about for the next few months and forgetting about, like the rest of my great ideas.

Keep in mind that this will just be the rough draft, and that I am always open to constructive criticism, so if you see ways that I can improve, please let me know.

I’m on nights for the next month and a half, so this should help me use up some of my mornings that have been so far wasted on games and lounging.

If you find that you do enjoy the story, please subscribe to the blog so that you will get each chapter emailed to you. Then you don’t even have to click on the link or any other strenuous tasks.

Thanks,

Birdman

P.S. I also like to encourage sharing. It’s the selfish, narcissistic asshole in me.

Dec 10

How To Properly Shag A Sheep

(editor’s note – This is a fun post, and by no means should it be taken seriously. Click Here if you don’t have a sense of humour about zoophilia. Okay then, no complaining.)

I remember talking to someone over the weekend, and whatever we were talking about made me want to write a post about it. I said as much, and stored it away for Sunday night, but when the time came to type it out, I couldn’t remember what I was going to write about.

Luckily I have Facebook and was able to ask if anyone there remembered what I was going to blog about. No sooner than I asked, I got a response from Brad. He said it was either about how people can defeat the plutocracy, or how to sneak up on a sheep when you’re drunk and horny.

Thanks, Brad!

Seeing as I don’t even know what a plutocracy is, I guess you are going to learn about raping farm animals and how to properly tamp down your shame with morbid poetry and self-inflicted glass cuts.

Yes it is, and no they don’t. They don’t even like getting laid by other sheep, as if your tiny pecker is going to do it for them. If you are human, and you fuck an animal, you are a rapist in every sense of the word.

Yeah, but what about if she fucks me? Then it’s okay, right?

You deserve to be thunderfucked by the ram for being so stupid. No means no, and because you don’t understand sheep language, you can’t know for sure that it’s consensual. That would be like me forcing myself on random Taiwanese women, and because I don’t speak their language, using the defence that I thought they were saying yes. They weren’t.

No one, except sometimes my wife, willingly has sex with me. Continue reading

Jul 17

When You Wish Upon A Star

This is a flash fiction story that I wrote for Dude Write and their contest Flashier Than You. This is my first foray into flash fiction. I really don’t do much fiction writing at all, unless you count the bestiality story for Gadget.

Anyhow, this is the story. Hopefully I will get better at writing these things with practice.

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If you told me two weeks ago that I’d be lying here, staring at the stars on this cool March night, I’d have said you were loopy. Our yard is nothing but a slushy mess this time of year, and it’s supposed to go down to -9C tonight, or so the weatherman says.

Man, that was some dance.

I have never been so taken with a girl, ever. She is the definition of grace, with just enough fun and self loathing to make her like me for who I am. I didn’t have to pretend with her, like I do with other girls, which was refreshing. I don’t know why we always have to put on a different face when we meet new people, but after tonight I’m not doing that again.

She was so pretty. I’m sorry, but I can’t quit thinking of how her smile brightened her eyes, which gave her an ethereal glow. Kind of like when you go by someone’s house late at night and you can see that they have the TV on. There is just a glow around, and in front of it, but the rest of the room is dark and shadowy. It’s not that I’m looking in windows all the time, but sometimes you just notice things when you are walking at night.

Tonight when I was walking home, I felt completely happy. All of my loneliness was gone and I was smiling the whole way. Even when I got here and realized that I didn’t have my house key. It’s amazing how talking to a really sweet girl for a couple of hours can take you from cutting yourself and wishing you would just die, to not being able to wait to get a haircut, find a job, and ask her out on a date.

I find it hard to believe I had ever had those thoughts before. What could have been so bad? My parents were good people. They never beat me or treated me unkind. I just don’t understand how I could have ever thought about suicide or even the cutting.

Cutting is so stupid. It had almost become a habit instead of a necessity. I thought I was just supposed to do it. She didn’t care though. She saw the scars. Touched the scars. She looked sad that I was hurting. I never want to make her feel sad again. Ever.

I probably will though. The ice is starting to crust around me, and I think my back is broken. All I can seem to do is blink… and think. Think about her.

I’ve climbed through this window a hundred times before, but I guess I won’t be climbing through it again.

Mar 25

The Grossest Idea I’ve Ever Had (On Here Anyhow)

 

You should seriously turn away here if you don’t enjoy funny stories about a man’s intimacies with farm animals, or if reading isn’t your strong suit, because there are no photos. Oh, okay, I’ll put photos in too, what the hell. Anyhow, this is Gadget’s prize for cheating and becoming the 50th subscriber. It will be a masterpiece as soon as I research some romance novel sex scenes and the physical possibilities of pigs and humans having relations with each other.

The Dark Night in the Barn

“Why did I decide this would be a good day to try selling vacuums to farmer’s wives?” Gadget asked himself as he limped his shiny Ford van down the gravel road. “And why didn’t I put the spare back, after we took it out to smuggle booze into the drive-in?”

He was angry with himself. He was an idiot.

As he crested the knoll, he saw a lone farm in the distance.

‘They would have a plug kit or something there, I’m sure.’  He thought

As he pulled into the drive, he saw a man in the yard, and he was talking to a beautiful young lady in tight beige riding pants, and an equally tight long sleeved t-shirt.

He stopped to stare. He didn’t even notice the farmer watching him as he started to rub his modest erection, while drool dripped onto his shirt. He had never seen such a perfect, tight body on a human. He wanted to have her. Had to have her.

By then the farmer had walked up to the window and asked, “What the fuck is wrong with you, son? That’s my daughter, and she’s only eighteen years old.”

Gadget shook his head and cleared the fog. Had her father seen him rubbing his crotch? He sure hoped he hadn’t.

“I uh, don’t, ummm, she’s so beautiful. I’m sorry, it’s just that I’ve been married for most of my life, and well…”

“Son, you don’t have to tell me. Her Mama is inside, and when you meet her, you’ll see why I go and park across from the high school every Thursday at lunch time. The thing is, that that’s my daughter, and it’s different when it’s the fruit of your loins.”

Gadget understood. He wanted to “high five” the old guy, but that seemed like the wrong thing to do, so he just mentioned that he needed to get his tire fixed and that he wouldn’t mind using the facilities. Continue reading