Jul 14

The Many Lives And Deaths Of Dovey-Doo – Chapter Three

Okay, I’m awake.

I’m a little fuzzy from the few beers I had before bed, but I can distinctly feel the paws trying to pierce different parts of my body while the whining is piercing my brain.

I guess the dogs want out for a pee.

I open the door and as they bolt out, I crack my eyelids to see the sun peeking over Butler Ridge and licking the treetops above the truck. I check my phone.

Grrrr, it’s 4:30 AM. We mumble some questions, like “Why do they need out this early?” and “Shouldn’t they be exhausted from all the running they did on the beach last night?”

I wait a few minutes and open the door to let them in. They want no part of the offer.

“Should we go out and get them?” Gerri asks hazily.

“No, they probably just want to smell around and see if anything visited in the night. They’ll be ready for a nap by breakfast.”

We drifted back to sleep and woke up around 6:30. They still weren’t back, so we got up to get the coffee ready and realized that we forgot the kettle or any sort of a pot to boil water in.

We improvised. Coffee was fundamental.

You gotta do what you gotta do.

I don’t know about you, but I went through the levels of Scouts Canada. The motto was “Be Prepared.”

I stole this from Wikipedia to explain:

Baden-Powell on “Be Prepared”[edit]

In English, this motto is most commonly Be Prepared. In the third part of Scouting for Boys Robert Baden-Powell explains the meaning of the phrase:

The Scout Motto is: BE PREPARED which means you are always in a state of readiness in mind and body to do your DUTY.

  • Be Prepared in Mind by having disciplined yourself to be obedient to every order, and also by having thought out beforehand any accident or situation that might occur, so that you know the right thing to do at the right moment, and are willing to do it.
  • Be Prepared in Body by making yourself strong and active and able to do the right thing at the right moment, and do it.[1]

“To do the right thing at the right moment” can be extreme:

“Where a man has gone so far as to attempt suicide, a Scout should know what to do with him.”[2]
“BE PREPARED to die for your country if need be, so that when the moment arrives you may charge home with confidence, not caring whether you are going to be killed or not”[3]

Okay, so I might have started drinking and smoking weed before they explained the last part, but you have to admit we were pretty prepared with those empty booze cans. Sure we forgot cell charger cords and almost all cooking implements, but look what we did remember.

Our neighbours were kind enough to give us some homemade Irish Cream. They must have been Scouts as well.

Even though we were facing great hurdles, we made do, just like they taught me in Scouts.

Here’s the proof.

Oh good, we can start our day.

At 7 AM, there was still no sign of the boys and it was supposed to start raining in a couple of hours. Blue, I could see not caring about meals, but Dover was only keeping himself alive to eat. He has never missed a meal since we have had him. It’s not that we wouldn’t have forgotten, it’s just that he starts the high-pitched whine about thirty minutes before mealtime and doesn’t quit until he’s fed, so we can’t not feed him.

As we drank our delicious elixir, we walked around and yelled for the boys. We wanted to pack up the dining tent and trailer, but we didn’t want it to start raining if we were still there looking for dogs. So we left it up. This proved to be a good choice.

It’s a pretty sweet setup.

As I walked along, drinking my boozy coffee, a feeling hit me that has probably hit a few of you after a bit of coffee and exercise.

Lucky for me, there were a couple of outhouses just around the corner. I started heading that way with a can of bear spray in my hand. I walked into the shitter and the door, which was on a spring and swings inwards, slammed behind me.

That’s when I heard it.

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

I looked up and there was a wasp nest on the ceiling, maybe a foot above my head. The slam must have woke them up and they were piling out of the hole. Of course, I had a roll of toilet paper in one hand and a can of bear spray in the other and the door handle was one of those small, D shaped ones that I just couldn’t grasp until I stuffed the spray under my arm. I could feel them on my head and neck, so as soon as I got the door open I was running and screaming towards the truck with my free hand swiping wildly.

Gerri, who had watched me grab the bear spray, thought a bear was chasing me and was preparing to jump in the truck. I managed to escape with only one sting on the back of my leg, but now I felt the call of nature even louder than it’s already urgent cry.

Well, bushes it is.

By around 10:30, in the pouring rain, we unhooked the trailer and started heading for Moberly Lake to get a charger cord and some more food in case we had to stay an extra night. We hoped that the dogs would be waiting there when we got back but figured a pack of smokies and buns wouldn’t hurt, plus we could use another jug of water.

When we got back, Blue was there but Dover wasn’t. Blue was in rough shape, but he’s a pretty tough dog. It’s Dover that isn’t very bright or worldly. He was the one we had to save.

We had to figure out what had happened out there. This is what we came up with.

This is where all future chapters will jump off from. You may have noticed that there are some repeats from Chapter One, but I was trying to get a bit more story in. Remember that these are basically all rough drafts for the final project, so if you see things that don’t make sense or work well, please let me know in a comment or some other way that you would rather get a hold of me.

I’m always open to suggestions.

Mar 20

Dean – Chapter Two

Dean let out a sickening noise as he watched his sister come to a bloody stop on the ground in front of the whizzing thing.

Who am I kidding? I can’t keep this up for much longer. Let’s just pretend that the deer was tapped in the head with the gift of knowledge, so he now knows all of the basic information that an adolescent human would know. It would take several years to explain how a deer learns each new thing, and we don’t have that kind of time.

A woman got out of the driver’s seat of the car and started to cry. She was also hyperventilating.

“Jesus Christ, Sarah. Would you fucking breathe? It’s just a fucking deer.” Came a voice from the car.

“IT’S DEAD! IT’S JUST A BABY AND IT’S FUCKING DEAD!” She screamed into the car.

“Yeah, I know. Calm down and get in the car. There’s nothing you can do about it now. Fuck, listen to that other one wailing. Let’s go, I can’t take much more of that.”

Dean’s mother looked up from her stupor and then put her head back down and closed her eyes. “It figures.” was all she said.

The car drove off with Sarah freaking out about taking a life that never got to be lived, and Dean stopped his screaming. He didn’t fully understand what all of this meant, but he knew that it didn’t feel right. He felt someone move up beside him.

“She’s with the Lord now. He had a special purpose for her innocent, little soul. She’s in a better place.”

Dean looked over and saw this deer that looked a lot like his mother. She had a glassy sort of look to her, but she seemed sort of kind looking, so he asked her why this “Lord” would want a new-born fawn.

“Who knows?” was her reply. “He doesn’t need to tell us why he does things. If he does it, it was the right thing.”

As he stared at her, trying to comprehend what all of that meant, he heard his mother yell “Don’t you fill his head with your ideas. You let him have a mind of his own.”

“We’re all a part of God’s plan. The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away.” She replied. “You know what Mama always told us.” She looked at Dean. “Honey, you just need to follow the path to the light. God’s love will be waiting there to bathe you. All you have to do is…”

Her eyes bulged out as she lost her wind and crumpled. Dean looked over and saw his mother’s back feet sinking into her side. “Don’t you listen to her. You need to learn things for yourself. Praying to something that probably doesn’t exist isn’t going to help you at all. Now come over here and get some milk. I need to lay down, and you need your strength.”

He latched on to a nipple and went to town. While he was nursing, he saw the other deer limping away. His mom noticed him looking.

“That’s my twin.” She said “I love her, but I can’t handle her shit.”

Dean thought he understood. He loved his sister, but she never even talked to him. It’s not like he was going to miss her. He would just have to try and keep himself alive, and hopefully his mom too.

Dec 12

Dean

Chapter One – After Birth

The first thing Dean remembered was opening his eyes and feeling the sun’s warmth on his gloopy fur, while noisy things sped quickly by him and his mother. They were big things. Much bigger than him or his mom.

The second thing was his mom licking the rest of the amniotic fluid off of him. Dean didn’t know it was called amniotic fluid, I added that in there, because I do my research. There’s actually a lot of things that Dean doesn’t know, as he is a mule deer. I am just adding them in, because that’s what I do.

He tried to get up on his feet, because he felt it was expected of him. He was nervous about staggering around so close to those whizzing things, but something inside of him said that he had to learn to walk. It took him about three minutes, but he finally stood there on his shaky legs and tried a few steps.

He asked his mom what the giant things were, but she was laying back down and moving her legs around. Something was coming out of her, but it wasn’t afterbirth. Dean watched in horror for what seemed like ten minutes. It looked like a wetter, blacker version of Dean. Dean then realized that he was going to be a brother.

This was amazing news to him. He was going to have someone to learn about life with. Someone to frolic in the meadows and play little pranks on their mom with. Someone to help him track down their dad with. He must be around here somewhere, right?

As Dean watched his mom clean off his new sister, he felt at peace with the world. He couldn’t have been born on a warmer, sunnier day. Life was going to be good; he could feel it.

When his sister was all licked off, and was trying to get moving on her own, Dean watched his mom push out the placenta and then he asked her about the big whizzing things again.

“I don’t know what they are, but they mostly stay on those grey strips of land.” She explained.

“Can they hurt us?” Dean asked.

“Oh yes. I have seen them hurt many deer when they walk out on the grey strips of land. They are very hard to stop.”

“Then why would you give birth to your babies so close to the grey strip of land? That seems dangerous”

“There are many things that hurt us. Some of them, such as coyotes and bears, don’t like coming near the grey strips of land, because they get hurt too. We are very vulnerable at this time of year. I’m weak from giving birth, and you’re weak from just being born.”

Dean thought about it, and figured his mom was most likely right. She was probably two years older than him and had lived this long.

As Dean walked a little, and felt the strength coming into his legs and body, he grinned at his sister wobbling around. He went over and rubbed against her to give her a bit of support. He was glad that she had a big brother to lean on during these hard times and he wondered if he looked that funny when he was learning to walk.

He tried to communicate with her, as he did with their mother, but there wasn’t very much going on behind her glassy eyes. She just stared blankly at him.

Perhaps she just needed some time to adjust to her new life. After all, he was almost fifteen minutes older than her.

“Will she get smarter as she gets older?” Dean asked his mom.

“She might, but judging from the look in her eyes, she didn’t get enough air for her brain to fully develop. I think it happens sometimes with twins. Mine was like that too”

It was right about then that Dean noticed another fawn standing up a short distance away. Wow! there are more of us here. As his mother dozed off a bit, he tried to get the attention of the other deer, but there was a horrible noise beside them. By the time he noticed his sister it was too late. A whizzing thing smashed into her and she went sliding down the grey strip of land.

Dec 11

My Next Adventure

I’ve been thinking about writing a book for a long time now, but I’m quite lazy and become daunted by the thought of sitting down and writing a whole book at once.

So I figured that I would write it a chapter at a time on here. It would probably give me more incentive to actually do it, rather than drive around in a snowplow just thinking about for the next few months and forgetting about, like the rest of my great ideas.

Keep in mind that this will just be the rough draft, and that I am always open to constructive criticism, so if you see ways that I can improve, please let me know.

I’m on nights for the next month and a half, so this should help me use up some of my mornings that have been so far wasted on games and lounging.

If you find that you do enjoy the story, please subscribe to the blog so that you will get each chapter emailed to you. Then you don’t even have to click on the link or any other strenuous tasks.

Thanks,

Birdman

P.S. I also like to encourage sharing. It’s the selfish, narcissistic asshole in me.

Dec 10

How To Properly Shag A Sheep

(editor’s note – This is a fun post, and by no means should it be taken seriously. Click Here if you don’t have a sense of humour about zoophilia. Okay then, no complaining.)

I remember talking to someone over the weekend, and whatever we were talking about made me want to write a post about it. I said as much, and stored it away for Sunday night, but when the time came to type it out, I couldn’t remember what I was going to write about.

Luckily I have Facebook and was able to ask if anyone there remembered what I was going to blog about. No sooner than I asked, I got a response from Brad. He said it was either about how people can defeat the plutocracy, or how to sneak up on a sheep when you’re drunk and horny.

Thanks, Brad!

Seeing as I don’t even know what a plutocracy is, I guess you are going to learn about raping farm animals and how to properly tamp down your shame with morbid poetry and self-inflicted glass cuts.

Yes it is, and no they don’t. They don’t even like getting laid by other sheep, as if your tiny pecker is going to do it for them. If you are human, and you fuck an animal, you are a rapist in every sense of the word.

Yeah, but what about if she fucks me? Then it’s okay, right?

You deserve to be thunderfucked by the ram for being so stupid. No means no, and because you don’t understand sheep language, you can’t know for sure that it’s consensual. That would be like me forcing myself on random Taiwanese women, and because I don’t speak their language, using the defence that I thought they were saying yes. They weren’t.

No one, except sometimes my wife, willingly has sex with me. Continue reading