Mar 20

Dean – Chapter Two

Dean let out a sickening noise as he watched his sister come to a bloody stop on the ground in front of the whizzing thing.

Who am I kidding? I can’t keep this up for much longer. Let’s just pretend that the deer was tapped in the head with the gift of knowledge, so he now knows all of the basic information that an adolescent human would know. It would take several years to explain how a deer learns each new thing, and we don’t have that kind of time.

A woman got out of the driver’s seat of the car and started to cry. She was also hyperventilating.

“Jesus Christ, Sarah. Would you fucking breathe? It’s just a fucking deer.” Came a voice from the car.

“IT’S DEAD! IT’S JUST A BABY AND IT’S FUCKING DEAD!” She screamed into the car.

“Yeah, I know. Calm down and get in the car. There’s nothing you can do about it now. Fuck, listen to that other one wailing. Let’s go, I can’t take much more of that.”

Dean’s mother looked up from her stupor and then put her head back down and closed her eyes. “It figures.” was all she said.

The car drove off with Sarah freaking out about taking a life that never got to be lived, and Dean stopped his screaming. He didn’t fully understand what all of this meant, but he knew that it didn’t feel right. He felt someone move up beside him.

“She’s with the Lord now. He had a special purpose for her innocent, little soul. She’s in a better place.”

Dean looked over and saw this deer that looked a lot like his mother. She had a glassy sort of look to her, but she seemed sort of kind looking, so he asked her why this “Lord” would want a new-born fawn.

“Who knows?” was her reply. “He doesn’t need to tell us why he does things. If he does it, it was the right thing.”

As he stared at her, trying to comprehend what all of that meant, he heard his mother yell “Don’t you fill his head with your ideas. You let him have a mind of his own.”

“We’re all a part of God’s plan. The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away.” She replied. “You know what Mama always told us.” She looked at Dean. “Honey, you just need to follow the path to the light. God’s love will be waiting there to bathe you. All you have to do is…”

Her eyes bulged out as she lost her wind and crumpled. Dean looked over and saw his mother’s back feet sinking into her side. “Don’t you listen to her. You need to learn things for yourself. Praying to something that probably doesn’t exist isn’t going to help you at all. Now come over here and get some milk. I need to lay down, and you need your strength.”

He latched on to a nipple and went to town. While he was nursing, he saw the other deer limping away. His mom noticed him looking.

“That’s my twin.” She said “I love her, but I can’t handle her shit.”

Dean thought he understood. He loved his sister, but she never even talked to him. It’s not like he was going to miss her. He would just have to try and keep himself alive, and hopefully his mom too.

Dec 12

Dean

Chapter One – After Birth

The first thing Dean remembered was opening his eyes and feeling the sun’s warmth on his gloopy fur, while noisy things sped quickly by him and his mother. They were big things. Much bigger than him or his mom.

The second thing was his mom licking the rest of the amniotic fluid off of him. Dean didn’t know it was called amniotic fluid, I added that in there, because I do my research. There’s actually a lot of things that Dean doesn’t know, as he is a mule deer. I am just adding them in, because that’s what I do.

He tried to get up on his feet, because he felt it was expected of him. He was nervous about staggering around so close to those whizzing things, but something inside of him said that he had to learn to walk. It took him about three minutes, but he finally stood there on his shaky legs and tried a few steps.

He asked his mom what the giant things were, but she was laying back down and moving her legs around. Something was coming out of her, but it wasn’t afterbirth. Dean watched in horror for what seemed like ten minutes. It looked like a wetter, blacker version of Dean. Dean then realized that he was going to be a brother.

This was amazing news to him. He was going to have someone to learn about life with. Someone to frolic in the meadows and play little pranks on their mom with. Someone to help him track down their dad with. He must be around here somewhere, right?

As Dean watched his mom clean off his new sister, he felt at peace with the world. He couldn’t have been born on a warmer, sunnier day. Life was going to be good; he could feel it.

When his sister was all licked off, and was trying to get moving on her own, Dean watched his mom push out the placenta and then he asked her about the big whizzing things again.

“I don’t know what they are, but they mostly stay on those grey strips of land.” She explained.

“Can they hurt us?” Dean asked.

“Oh yes. I have seen them hurt many deer when they walk out on the grey strips of land. They are very hard to stop.”

“Then why would you give birth to your babies so close to the grey strip of land? That seems dangerous”

“There are many things that hurt us. Some of them, such as coyotes and bears, don’t like coming near the grey strips of land, because they get hurt too. We are very vulnerable at this time of year. I’m weak from giving birth, and you’re weak from just being born.”

Dean thought about it, and figured his mom was most likely right. She was probably two years older than him and had lived this long.

As Dean walked a little, and felt the strength coming into his legs and body, he grinned at his sister wobbling around. He went over and rubbed against her to give her a bit of support. He was glad that she had a big brother to lean on during these hard times and he wondered if he looked that funny when he was learning to walk.

He tried to communicate with her, as he did with their mother, but there wasn’t very much going on behind her glassy eyes. She just stared blankly at him.

Perhaps she just needed some time to adjust to her new life. After all, he was almost fifteen minutes older than her.

“Will she get smarter as she gets older?” Dean asked his mom.

“She might, but judging from the look in her eyes, she didn’t get enough air for her brain to fully develop. I think it happens sometimes with twins. Mine was like that too”

It was right about then that Dean noticed another fawn standing up a short distance away. Wow! there are more of us here. As his mother dozed off a bit, he tried to get the attention of the other deer, but there was a horrible noise beside them. By the time he noticed his sister it was too late. A whizzing thing smashed into her and she went sliding down the grey strip of land.

Dec 11

My Next Adventure

I’ve been thinking about writing a book for a long time now, but I’m quite lazy and become daunted by the thought of sitting down and writing a whole book at once.

So I figured that I would write it a chapter at a time on here. It would probably give me more incentive to actually do it, rather than drive around in a snowplow just thinking about for the next few months and forgetting about, like the rest of my great ideas.

Keep in mind that this will just be the rough draft, and that I am always open to constructive criticism, so if you see ways that I can improve, please let me know.

I’m on nights for the next month and a half, so this should help me use up some of my mornings that have been so far wasted on games and lounging.

If you find that you do enjoy the story, please subscribe to the blog so that you will get each chapter emailed to you. Then you don’t even have to click on the link or any other strenuous tasks.

Thanks,

Birdman

P.S. I also like to encourage sharing. It’s the selfish, narcissistic asshole in me.

Dec 10

How To Properly Shag A Sheep

(editor’s note – This is a fun post, and by no means should it be taken seriously. Click Here if you don’t have a sense of humour about zoophilia. Okay then, no complaining.)

I remember talking to someone over the weekend, and whatever we were talking about made me want to write a post about it. I said as much, and stored it away for Sunday night, but when the time came to type it out, I couldn’t remember what I was going to write about.

Luckily I have Facebook and was able to ask if anyone there remembered what I was going to blog about. No sooner than I asked, I got a response from Brad. He said it was either about how people can defeat the plutocracy, or how to sneak up on a sheep when you’re drunk and horny.

Thanks, Brad!

Seeing as I don’t even know what a plutocracy is, I guess you are going to learn about raping farm animals and how to properly tamp down your shame with morbid poetry and self-inflicted glass cuts.

Yes it is, and no they don’t. They don’t even like getting laid by other sheep, as if your tiny pecker is going to do it for them. If you are human, and you fuck an animal, you are a rapist in every sense of the word.

Yeah, but what about if she fucks me? Then it’s okay, right?

You deserve to be thunderfucked by the ram for being so stupid. No means no, and because you don’t understand sheep language, you can’t know for sure that it’s consensual. That would be like me forcing myself on random Taiwanese women, and because I don’t speak their language, using the defence that I thought they were saying yes. They weren’t.

No one, except sometimes my wife, willingly has sex with me. Continue reading

Jul 17

When You Wish Upon A Star

This is a flash fiction story that I wrote for Dude Write and their contest Flashier Than You. This is my first foray into flash fiction. I really don’t do much fiction writing at all, unless you count the bestiality story for Gadget.

Anyhow, this is the story. Hopefully I will get better at writing these things with practice.

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If you told me two weeks ago that I’d be lying here, staring at the stars on this cool March night, I’d have said you were loopy. Our yard is nothing but a slushy mess this time of year, and it’s supposed to go down to -9C tonight, or so the weatherman says.

Man, that was some dance.

I have never been so taken with a girl, ever. She is the definition of grace, with just enough fun and self loathing to make her like me for who I am. I didn’t have to pretend with her, like I do with other girls, which was refreshing. I don’t know why we always have to put on a different face when we meet new people, but after tonight I’m not doing that again.

She was so pretty. I’m sorry, but I can’t quit thinking of how her smile brightened her eyes, which gave her an ethereal glow. Kind of like when you go by someone’s house late at night and you can see that they have the TV on. There is just a glow around, and in front of it, but the rest of the room is dark and shadowy. It’s not that I’m looking in windows all the time, but sometimes you just notice things when you are walking at night.

Tonight when I was walking home, I felt completely happy. All of my loneliness was gone and I was smiling the whole way. Even when I got here and realized that I didn’t have my house key. It’s amazing how talking to a really sweet girl for a couple of hours can take you from cutting yourself and wishing you would just die, to not being able to wait to get a haircut, find a job, and ask her out on a date.

I find it hard to believe I had ever had those thoughts before. What could have been so bad? My parents were good people. They never beat me or treated me unkind. I just don’t understand how I could have ever thought about suicide or even the cutting.

Cutting is so stupid. It had almost become a habit instead of a necessity. I thought I was just supposed to do it. She didn’t care though. She saw the scars. Touched the scars. She looked sad that I was hurting. I never want to make her feel sad again. Ever.

I probably will though. The ice is starting to crust around me, and I think my back is broken. All I can seem to do is blink… and think. Think about her.

I’ve climbed through this window a hundred times before, but I guess I won’t be climbing through it again.