Oct 08

Well That Was Poor…

I don’t know what people hated about Therapy Thursdays, but it sure wasn’t a hit. I’ll try one more time, but maybe won’t make any animal murdering jokes. It’s either everyone loves raccoons, or no one trusts my judgement, (I’m sure that’s not it). Anyhoo, I guess I’ll talk a bit about planning a wedding from the male standpoint, for Stacey.

It's either you eat him, or he'll eat someone's baby

I don’t know how many of you have ever been married, but I sure haven’t. I thought I could just get married on Tick Island and rent the Harwood Community Centre for the reception. Seemed pretty low key and familiar, and I’m sure it wouldn’t cost too much, but apparently my definition of low key is the same as other people’s definition of low rent. I was originally going to plan the wedding, but as my designs became known to the powers that be (all female), the reins were slowly taken from my hands, sort of like the teaser of driving you get when you’re a kid. You know, when your dad sits you on his knee and has his hands hovering over the wheel as you slowly creep along. Well I found out that even though he’s all excited and exclaiming, “Hey buddy, you’re driving.”, you really aren’t. I thought that I’d like to speed up and do a power slide like on Starsky and Hutch, but when I punched the gas and started to crank the wheel, he slammed on the brakes and started getting mad at me. Nice way to take the wind out of a little boys sails, Daddy Dreamcrusher. I guess what I’m trying to get at, is that I maybe have some strange ideas about how weddings go.

One thing I don’t understand is why do they have to cost so much? Why can’t you just have a bunch of moose roasts and a veggie tray for eats, and a couple of cases of those plastic sixty ouncers that guys used to smuggle up from the States? I think we should have some meat rolls, a crown and anchor wheel and a turkey shoot (before the vows and the booze start flowing), and whoever we know that plays an instrument could jam after the speeches. My sister can get ordained online, and I’d like to hit the thrift stores for the entire wedding party’s attire, and maybe any decorations we would need. I’m thinking we could do the whole wedding for a grand. I also think we should get some boxing gloves, and a makeshift ring, for when people get too much rye into them, and do it all legal like. You know how there is always someone that ruins Christmas? Well, there is always someone who ruins the wedding as well. I think we should have a pool, and everyone kicks in $5 to buy a square. At the end of the night everyone votes on who ruined the wedding, and we reveal who got the right square, they get half, and we get half. That’s what they call a win-win situation.

I tell you, I don’t understand why my duties as a wedding planner were stripped from me, but I do know that I was allowed to get my pal Bill to DJ, and I get to invite a few people that I know. I was also shown where it’s going to be, and I’m allowed to have a bachelor party with old strippers, a camper bus and some cocaine, so I guess that is a good thing. It’s gotta be better than just showing up to my surprise wedding, right?

While we’re on the subject of having no control, changethetopic.com is semi functional, so in the next few days, you will be forced to go there. Yes, it will be against your will, and no, you don’t get any compensation. If you are a subscriber, you will need to subscribe to the new one, when that option is available. There are randomly rotating pictures on the new blog, so if you have any you’d like to see on there, email them to the email that will show up on the contacts page when we get one. I want to thank the unimaginably sweet Mrs. Birdman for all of her hours of grief at the computer getting this going. I am honestly the luckiest SOB in the world to have her, and yes she is for rent, as long as the price is right, and you have her back by bedtime.

I love the cut of your jib,

Birdman

Oct 06

Therapy Thursdays #1

newtherapythursday

Dear Birdman,

I hear you are an expert when it comes to controlling problem wildlife. I have troubles with raccoons getting into everything year after year and was wondering if you had any advice on how to keep them away?

Frank

First off, can’t you come up with a decent name like they do in the professional advice columns? Something like Rabidly Hating Raccoons, or Not Cool With Coons? Whatever. Just because I have no experience at this, doesn’t mean that I’m cheap and don’t deserve to be treated with advice columnist respect.

Now I don’t claim to be an expert in anything, but I do know that you must be a simpleton if you are trying to keep raccoons away. They are fucking delicious. My advice is to get a weapon of some sort and what I do is throw some rotting chicken or other meat out in the garbage and wait for the little bastards to try and open it. That’s when they taste my stout club,(but you can use whatever) right behind the ear. Another way I’ve heard of is to live trap and drown them, but I won’t trade a speedy kill for extra tender meat, especially if I have to look into those big brown eyes as I slowly lower them into the rain barrel. That’s just inhumane. Some of the neighbours get pissed off with the noise, what with the screaming and flailing if they don’t die right away, but I just send over a small pot of this delicious stew and that usually keeps them quiet for a while.

Raccoon Stew

~ 1 raccoon, cleaned, skinned and quartered
~ pepper
~ 4 cups water
~ 2 carrots, diced
~ 1 stalk celery, diced
~ 2 large potatoes, cubed
~ salt

In a large pot, place the meat and cover with water. Bring to a boil and cook for 1 hour.
Remove meat and allow to cool. Discard water.Remove meat from bones and cut into 1” – 2” cubes. Sprinkle with pepper.Add meat back to pot and add water, carrots, celery and potatoes. Season to taste with salt.Bring to a boil, reduce heat and cook until veggies are tender. Adjust seasoning if needed.Serve and enjoy.

Love thy neighbour… if they’re hot,

Birdman

P.S. Please send all questions to birdman@changethetopic.com. They will all be posted on the following Thursday. If you don’t send any, then I will be forced to invent shit, and you won’t like it.

Oct 04

Alls I’m sayin’ is…

I don’t put plates with food on them in the sink because I’m not a savage, and the sink is constantly full of cold, oily water. Other than that, everything is pretty accurate.

Oh, and no more big stories from my phone, until it has autosave anyhow (that took the soul from my bosom). If I get home early enough tonight, I’ll finish the stupid guy in the canoe story.

Tony Danza sucks,

Birdman