May 03

Therapy Thursday

 

Dear Birdmans:

Girl meets guy at New Years. Girl sees guy a couple of times, but explains it’s not serious. Guy likes girl WAY too much. Girl kind of likes guy, but not that much. Guy keeps asking if they are in a relationship, which girl replies no, then guy asks if there’s the potential for one. Girl says I don’t want to commit. Guy should take hint but is apparently too daft (or desperate). Girl doesn’t want to hurt guy’s feelings but he’s becoming a stalker. Plus guy is really boring, but guy has lots of money (is it worth the sacrifice?? No….). Advice on how to ditch the guy nicely without giving guy any hope of relationship?? Please?!?!?!? I’m begging you!!!!!

Bang Me And Leave…PLEASE Continue reading

Apr 26

Therapy Thursday

Dear Birdman: First of all: fuck off. Second of all, what are you supposed to do with a brother in law that is completely useless? No matter how many job opportunities I have presented to the man, he will just make another excuse not to go to work. I am completely frustrated I just want to go over to his house and beat the ever living shit out of him. The man has seven kids and would prefer to live off of welfare. Good luck on answering this one; I’m going to get my brass knuckles.

SICK OF USELESS FUCKS IN MY FAMILY

Dear Sick,

Listen pal, I’m day five into a pretty shitty cold, so I am going to cut to the chase.  Your BIL is a lazy, shiftless deadbeat that you are unable to kill or change.  My advice involves a hooker, a shady hotel, your BIL and a photographer.  May I offer my services?

Unfortunately, your sister is likely the type that would rather put up with the lazy SOB than be left alone to fend for 7 young ‘uns. (See Mondays Post)  In the unlikely event that he keels over with a heart attack from the congealed fat in his arteries, and has a meaty insurance policy, than your sister is made in the shade.  Otherwise, I think you just have to carry on doing what you can to help these kids and their poor mom.  Sorry I can’t be more helpful, but the last time I checked, homicide was still largely pooh-poohed on this continent. Continue reading

Apr 22

Girl, you can do better

(Editor’s note: I wanted to post this tomorrow morning, but Mrs. B said it needs to go out tonight. I also took the liberty of making up some memes for this post. You can make your own at http://www.cheezburger.com)
Sometimes I will yell out from the depths of wherever I am.
“BABY, I’ve got a blog post brewing”
This is one of those times.
I have this beautiful, intelligent, talented friend who has been reduced to a sobbing mess because of a man, and I use the word ‘man’ loosely.  I have been texting her back and forth all morning, me trying to convince her that her life is not over, and that her future as a happy half of a couple is not impossible.  I have to tell you, this is not the best time to plead my case about finding true love, as her former boyfriend sits on a Thai beach with the pregnant bride they flew across the world to see wed last summer.

Don't want!!!

Shady?  Hell yes.  This man has been public enemy number one on my radar for awhile.  I’ve seen the games he played with my friend, keeping her at arms length, parcelling out a small portion of his affection and time in Continue reading
Apr 05

Therapy Thursday

Dear Birdman: My boss recently challenged me to a game of Words With Friends.  I crushed him.  He challenged me to a rematch with the message, “Don’t beat me too bad this time lol.”  How should I approach?  Keep in mind that he is my boss.

Youngman Brown of Good Youngman Brown fame

Dear: Youngman Brown of Good Youngman Brown fame

Thank you for sending in your little dilemma. I hope you don’t mind that I took liberties with your name. I was just hoping that my readers would click on the link to see if they could learn about the different smells at the bottom of the pool.

You have a really good question here, and I’m sure my lovely lady has a better answer than mine, because I say to nail him again. Do it hard, and do it fast. Prison style. No lube and no foreplay.

After you are done, go and find that little baby, get up in his grill, and scream “In your face, beeotch.” Then mention how good his mom and sister are in bed, and start cleaning out your desk/locker or wherever your shit is stored. No one wants to work for a douchebag like that, and even if you did, you are going to be fired shortly, so go out with a bang dude.

I may or may not have had similar experiences in the past, and they mostly all end the same. With the exception of Mike, who owned a trucking company in northern Ontario. He choked me into unconsciousness, and then dragged me behind his pickup until I woke up again, but you will be okay, they don’t have crazy people in the city.

My lady is too busy to answer, on account of her polio, so she told me to tell you to let him win, but use the most rudimentary words that you can. So yeah, he wins, but he knows that you dumbed it right down for him. That way you can lose but still hold your head high.

Birdman and Mrs. Birdman.

************************************************************************************************************************************

Now I have to tell you about some exciting news. First of all, our friends at Northumberland Soapworks are going to take The Traveling Blue Shirt on a two week vacation to a magical land.

Seriously, he would get more vag than Magnum P.I.

We will get it washed up, because it hasn’t been since the stripper took a beatdown at the bachelor party. You all know how it looked like it ended, but there may have been some bodily fluids exchanged after the camera was put away. What are you going to do?

Second of all, I got an email from signsonthecheap.com, which is also magnetsonthecheap.com, and bannersonthecheap.com. They want to send me some advertising things to try. I guess some car magnets and some business cards. I told Nicolle there, that I would accept them to try out, and if I liked them, I would give them a shout out on the blog or something. I made sure that she knew I wouldn’t do it if it was a shoddy product, so we’ll see if they still want to do it. The stuff looks pretty good on their site, and it seems quite affordable, but you never know until you get it. I do like the fact that they aren’t from China, but I’m sure their raw materials probably come from overseas.

So anyhow if they send me something, and I never mention the stuff on here, don’t buy it. If I do, and you are ever in need of some, magnets, signs, or banners on the cheap, then by all means, give them a click.

Thirdly, I applied for a real writing job today. I just need to do up four samples to send in, and then I’ll find out if I get it. I’m very stoked about this, but I have to play it close to the vest, because it’s a pretty big deal. Well, for me anyhow. Ooooh, I’m vibrating. I love you guys. (that includes girls too, FYI) If it wasn’t for you folks reading and encouraging me, I wouldn’t have had the stones to write a birthday card, let alone actual things for people who pay money. I’m a hap hap happy boy, hubba hubba hubba hubba. Woohoo.

And if it’s bad, don’t let it get you down, you can take it
And if it hurts, don’t let them see you cry, you can take it
Hold your head up, hold your head up
Hold your head up, hold your head high

Birdman

Mar 15

Therapy Thursday

Dear Birdman: I’ve been married for 12 years, and I came home the other day to find some pornography on the computer screen, and my husband frantically trying to shut down different tabs and windows. The image that I saw was a little person and a man with what had to be a 14″ long penis penetrating her from a distance. The poor girl looked like a Haagen-Dazs bar with the chocolate licked off. As I winced in pain, the final window was closed and then he denied that there was any pornography on his computer at all. 

Birdman, I know what I saw, and I can’t say that I wasn’t turned on a little, but we haven’t had sex in months, and I think this is why. What can I do to make him want me again? Is there a shortening operation that I can get? I just want to be wanted, so please help.

Too Tall in Toronto Continue reading