Jan 24

Therapy Thursday

newtherapythursday

Dear CTT,

I am a recently separated woman, living just a few blocks from my ex.  We have children together, and were together for almost 15 years.

One of the issues in our marriage was his lack of contribution to the care and maintenance of our home.   We hired people to cut grass and shovel snow (if I didn’t do it myself), and paint our verandah.   New cans of paint sat in our basement while rooms went unpainted.   He turned away help from both sets of in-laws for so long that we just started to work around him, planting a garden, redoing bedrooms, building furniture to keep the place organized and tidy. It was a chronic issue between us (among others of course), and I never understood how he could lack so much pride in his own home.  I stopped inviting people over for years, because I was embarrassed to have them see how we lived.

What I imagine.

What I imagine.

Since I moved out (we share custody of the kids, and that seems to be working well so far), he has revamped the kitchen, hung art on the walls, tidied up the garage so he can park in it, and a variety of other things.  More work has been done in a few weeks than has been done in years.  I am furious!

Why would he do this all now?  I have asked many people and nobody could explain why he never did anything to help, and why he’s doing it now that I’ve left.  Is it just to hurt me?  Is it to make the place better for the next woman in his life?  Should I even care as long as my kids have a better home?

After the last time I was there, I have finally decided I can no longer go into the house;   it hurts me every time I see it.  Do you think this is a good strategy?  Can you figure out his change of behaviour?

The rest of my life is great now, and my new living space has already become a home to me.  But I’d love to hear your insights, so I can really start seeing things more clearly.

Sincerely your’s,

Miss Daisy

wpid-fromthedesk.jpeg

Dear Miss Daisy,

I hear the disappointment and frustration in your letter.  I understand why you feel this way.  You wanted to have a nice home, and a place you could share your lives together, entertain friends comfortably, and provide a nice place for your children to grow up.  It seems as if only one of you wanted these things during your union, and that person was you.

 

You don’t mention any of the other issues that contributed to the deterioration of your marriage, but I’m going out on a limb here and suggesting that there might have been some nagging on your part, and some avoidance on his part.  People often don’t like to be told what to do, even when it’s very obviously what they need to be doing.  It’ s in our human natures to want to make the decision to act on our own accord, and not based on the desires of other people.  For some, the constant reminders about all that needs to be done (and isn’t currently getting done) act as a continuous sandpaper, grinding away at our self-esteem and desire to become involved in new projects.   This is not an excuse, but perhaps it will provide some insight into the other half of the problem.
I imagine this is what it's like. I hope I never find out.

I imagine this is what it’s like. I hope I never find out.

 

Here’s the next part, and I’m not sure you will like it.  However, you have asked for insight, and I have some to offer.

 

You are now separated, and on your way to divorce.  The ‘why’ of it really isn’t important.  Will it make you feel better to think that your ex-husband is experiencing a new lease on life, and has obviously overcome one of the major hurdles that he had when you were together?  There’s a pretty good chance that his newfound interest in home decor coincides directly with your exit from the marital home.  Whether that bothers you or not, depends on you, and honestly, it is up to you to decide how you want to assimilate this information in your life.  In the simplest of terms, it no longer concerns you.  You should be pleased, because it IS good for your children.  If I had to guess, I would say this man doesn’t really care at all what you think about his interests.  He seems pretty happy to be on his own and it sounds like you are happy on your own.

 

I think your strategy of staying out of the home is a good one.  Perhaps there will come a time in the future, when the sting of it isn’t so fresh, and your own happiness far outweighs any of the past negativity associated with the home, and you will be able to step inside without feeling anything at all.

 

The future climate of this relationship is up to you.  Since you are no longer together, and you still must co-parent, it is in your best interests to let it go and move on.  Don’t worry about what he is doing, with whom, or why.  It simply does not affect you anymore, and it is really not your concern.  I say this with great kindness and respect, and I hope it is taken that way.  Be happy for him, and happy for your kids.  Wish him well, and prepare to open your heart and start a new life that will be ultimately more rewarding and fulfilling than the one you are leaving.

 

Mrs. B.

 

mindofbirdman
(image source: quick-rite.com)

(image source: quick-rite.com)

Dear Miss Daisy,

 

I know a guy (it’s me) that will trash the house on a weekly basis for a nominal fee. Another thing you could look into is a way to get some red squirrels or raccoons into the house. They will fuck shit up in there and keep him on his toes for weeks, because he’ll always wonder if he missed one that is having a litter in the attic. You seem kind of like the bitter sort, so I’m sure you’ve already figured out how to get in there without getting caught, you probably just didn’t know what to do when you got there. That’s where I can help. I spend most of my days thinking about how to fuck up people’s lives, just in case someone like you comes along. Give me a call, and if you don’t, there’s not much else I can say other than whatever you choose to do, make it untraceable.

 

I said upside down you’re turning me, you’re giving love instinctively,

 

Birdman
Nov 22

Therapy Thursday

Dear TT
I left my ex husband two years after being together for 10 years, and married for 5. There are lots of reasons as to why things fell apart. We both worked a lot, never spent any time together as a couple, it was always about the kids. I didn’t work near as much as he did, so it was every day that i would be the one to grab the kids, come home, cook dinner, do laundry, and yada yada whatever else needed to be done. I wouldn’t have changed anything for the world, but it was the lack of gratitude on his end that left me very self-conscious, depressed and discouraged. Not to mention exhausted, and in need of “companionship.” I understand there are two sides to every story, but after 2 years of living in a sexless marriage, I had enough. I needed out, so I left. Continue reading
Nov 08

Therapy Thursday

Dear Therapy Thursday,

Recently a friend of mine posted a questionable sign/photo/thing on her facebook wall. Some of her family went crazy on her for posting it. They were basically calling her a bad mother and telling her how to raise her kids. I didn’t really think to much of it at the time but when I saw all those people complaining about her daughters and other young people seeing it I wondered if maybe I was a bad mom for not thinking about that. Heres a copy of it.

What I want to know is does this picture pose a threat to my 11 and 14 year old daughters? What about my 9 year old son? I just thought they were being really hard on her for what this is, but I might be wrong.

Confused In Cobourg Continue reading

Oct 18

Therapy Thursday

Before we get to today’s problem, I just want to say that I was taken aback the other day when I clicked onto one of my favourite blogs and saw my name there. If you look directly above this, you will see a makeshift drawing in rudimentary colours. Bryan did that up for me when they were doing their Kickstarter for their newest book: Dead and Moaning in Las Vegas. I’m sure most of the regulars here have checked them out, but for any of you that haven’t, you should go and do that right now. Don’t worry, Smarty will be here when you get back. He might not have as many brain cells, but luckily he doesn’t need them to be an asshole.

It was really a surprise and an honour to be mentioned on their hallowed walls, and I hope that some day I can repay the favour to them. It’ll probably be bailing them out of a TJ jail after a donkey show gone bad, but whatever it is, I hope I can put a smile on their faces like they put on mine.

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Dear Birdman,

I’ve been sort of dating this guy for a few years now, but I have always been suspicious that he’s sleeping around on me. We rarely go out in public, he’s always playing jai alai with his buddies, or going out drinking and golfing. I see him once a week if I’m lucky, but it’s always at his place or mine.

My friends all think I’m nuts, but I can see that he’s opening up a little to me each year. He’s been caught on a few occasions lying, or not showing up when he is supposed to. When I confront him about it, he always has an excuse for why he lied or didn’t make it. I guess it’s my fault for wanting more out of the relationship than a quick lay almost every week, when I know he has trust issues. Once I thought I caught him fucking around, and he turned it around on me, saying that I was suspicious because I probably am having an affair. I’m not! I wouldn’t do that.

Anyhow, I want to know what you think I should do. Should I wait it out and see if he comes around? He says that I’m important to him and he’s really fond of me. That’s good, for him to be fond of me. Right? I think he needs a little space to hang out and see if he’s ready to commit to a few days a week. We have really good sex, and I’d hate to lose that.

Confused in Connecticut

Continue reading

Oct 11

Therapy Thursday

Dear Birdman and the Missus,
One of my buddies recently proposed to his girlfriend.  They have been dating for just under 2 years, and I was actually the one to introduce the two of them (I had a girlfriend at the time, saw her, and basically threw the two of them together).  But after they started dating, I realized that I strongly disliked her for her immature demeanor and manipulative ways.  My buddy moved in with her, and I never really expressed my dislike for her, as it didn’t really seem my place.  He asked me to be his best man, and it is at this point that I feel a strong impulse to say something to him.  Because if I was really his best man, shouldn’t I have said something two years ago?  And if I let him go through with it, what the hell am I supposed to say for my speech?
Sincerely,
Worst Best Man

Dear Worst,

You seem like a very nice guy, so I am going to give you the benefit of my own mistakes.  You have to look at this from your buddy’s point of view.  He’s found a woman who he loves, and who lets him have sex with her on an at least semi-regular schedule.  This is choice, and if it is to be the mother of all mistakes, he’ll figure that out soon enough.  Unfortunately for you, you are going to have to sit this one out in the sidelines until it all goes down eventually.  You can take your friend aside and finally come clean that you think his lady is manipulative and immature, but you aren’t going to get a friendly pat on the back for it.  In fact, you may very well alienate him and cause him to feel like he has to choose between your friendship and his fiancé.  I don’t think I have to tell you which way he’s likely to go on that choice. Continue reading