May 30

Therapy Thursday

newtherapythursday

I am contemplating going to a new job. More money. Bonuses. Overtime. Same hours. Not as mentally challenging but much more physical. Problem is, I am scared to death about being discriminated against because I am transgender. I don’t plan on announcing it to everyone, but I can’t quite “pass” as a male yet. I know there are laws to protect me. As the old saying goes “Sticks and stones.”, but words can still hurt. Got any good advice for me?

Dustin

(Editor’s note: Dustin blogs at Becoming Oliver, so go check it out. He talks about a lot of shit there. Well, a few weeks ago he was. Sometimes he’s lazy, like me.)

birdmandesk

Dear Dustin:

Do I? Fuck yeah, I have all kinds of advice, but first tell me if you have one of these?

logoshot

They're sippy cups for people who enjoy giving people heart attacks.

They’re sippy cups for people who enjoy giving other people heart attacks.

(photos from http://www.theselfmademen.com/ )

It would sure make me think you were a dude if I was standing next to you at a urinal. Well, unless you used the really dark one. That might give it away.

Anyhow, I don’t have any advice, other than to tell you that money doesn’t matter. If you love your job, and you were doing okay there, I personally wouldn’t take a job that you aren’t sure about just because it’s paying a bit better.

Now, that being said, if you don’t love the job you’re at right now, then what the fuck? You might as well try the new one. It may be your dream job, but even if it’s not, you have some added security until you do find what you’re looking for. The benefits might even cover some of the incidentals when you have your surgery. They sure can’t hurt, right?

Do what you feel is right. You still have that shithead supervisor? That’s something to take into account. I’m sure there will be a shithead at your new job, should you take it, but you are going to find them at every job you go to. I think that your gut will lead you in the right direction. Mine’s leading me to the bottom of this bag of Crispers.

Whatever you do will be an adventure, and we wish you the best.

Plays for keeps and try to never lose, live it fast but live the life you choose,

Birdman

SmartyTalks

Dear Duster,

Fuck that shit. Jobs are for suckers. You sure as fuck won’t catch me doing one, because I live the dream.

That’s right, I’m my own boss, and last year my company did better than General Motors. I work when I want, party all fucking day, and still have time left in my schedule to meet friends for coffee at night.

It’s such a great gig, but it’s hard to do it by myself, so I’ve been thinking I could really use another key person in my organisation. Someone who is smart.

There are lots of smart people looking for work, right? The problem is that I also need someone I can trust. Someone who isn’t going to piss away what I’ve worked so hard for.

I could use someone like you, but you probably aren’t interested.

You might be? Well don’t worry. It isn’t something shady like Amway or Primerica. This is a good, respectable job that could turn a tidy profit for the right person.

I think that person is you. You have what it takes.

You get to be your own boss, make your own hours, and you get to bang all sorts of hotties.

M

Maybe hotties was a poor choice of words.

Plus you get to stay in motels a lot.

It's great, because you don't have to pay for a whole night if you're just going to be there for a few hours.

It’s great, because you don’t have to pay for a whole night if you’re just going to be there for an hour.

I’m telling you, once you get some decent clients that pay upfront, you’ll be living the life of Riley. Not from the old radio show, but Riley, the guy who sometimes has to do collections for me. He drives a Lincoln. Yep, a real Lincoln.

Anyhow, if you like a bit of adventure in your career, give me a call and I’ll get your cubicle all set up for you.

If this is too cramped, there is a bigger one coming available in a few days.

If this is too cramped, there is a bigger one coming available in a few days.

Well the Dealer was a killer; he was evil and mean and he was jealous of the fire in her eye,

Smarty

May 23

Therapy Thursday

TherapyThursdaybanner

Dear therapy thursday: I need help with my non-understanding wife, I am a stay at home dad with 2 wonderful children who are 7 and 13. I work very hard every day for my family. I volunteer at both of my kids schools and take great pride in the work that I do at the schools and at the house. Well at the end of the day I am tired, she thinks I sit around watching Soap Operas all day and should be well rested when she gets in at 5:30. She expects dinner on the table and for me to make sure the kids are behaving, I think by the time she gets home it is her turn to look after the kids and let me rest. What do you think?

Wore out in ft nelson

SmartyTalks

Hey Paco,

Jesus, man, get ahold of yourself and let’s think about this. We need to look at it from all sides. Did you tell the guy that you wanted heroin or black tar heroin?I ask, because there is a huge difference. Don’t pay nearly as much for that tar shit. Wait up, where the fuck am I? Oh shit, wrong WWW. thing, but still good advice if anyone needs it.

Dear Wore out:

That wife of yours sounds like a Betty Buzzkill. I’d be volunteering every day too. I volunteer at several local high schools around here, but I’m not allowed on the actual property. It’s cool though, because the girls I’m looking for usually cross the street for a smoke whenever they get a chance. It’s never too early to recruit.

As for your wife, I would start drinking and being belligerent as soon as she gets home. That way, when you go for a nap, she will be glad for you to go. On the other hand, you could get a job if you wanted one. I’ve spent some time in Fort Nelly, and you could get hired on by pretty well anyone there. Even if you were a one-armed crackhead, you could easily make a decent living.

Glad I could help,

Smarty

birdmandesk

Dear Wore out:

This is a tough one for me, because I’m lazy and get depressed. I was off work for a year, and was not a model husband at all. I didn’t really do much around the house, and I sure didn’t do any volunteering at the school.

Well there was that one time, but I forgot about it and thoroughly disappointed our oldest.

Anyhow, I think that cohabitation means a lot of give and take, and you probably aren’t putting in full days at the schools, even if you did go every day. I’m not saying you should cook dinner every night, but you should be sharing in the responsibility for sure.

Another thing I would recommend is getting as much sun on your skin as you can, and doing a bit of exercise. Even if it’s just going for a walk with the kids/dog/lady from the A&W. You might not feel like it, but you could have a bit of depression too. I’m not saying you do, but you might, and it’s best to nip it in the bud. Don’t be like me and sit at a computer feeling sorry for yourself all day. It will suck the fucking joy out through your eyes.

I’m sorry that I don’t have anything better, but if you two just share the responsibilities fairly, things should work themselves out fine.

I went to a shrink, to analyze my dreams, she says it’s lack of sex that’s bringing me down,

Birdman

 

Dear Therapy Thursday

My boyfriend wants to get me pregnant, but I’m only 22 and not ready for a baby. We’ve only been dating for 5 weeks. He is talking about getting married and I’m okay with that part of it but not pushing a baby out of my coocoo.

Am I being unreasonable? I think I really love him and he calls me every day.

Janine

mindofbirdman

Dear Janine:

Don’t be such a silly Billy. Back in the old days, 22 year old girls would have had four of their seven kids, a herniated disc, and something that looked like a goiter, but smelled like fermented beans. It’s the way it was meant to be.

Now I’m not saying you should have seven kids, but you spread those legs and give that boy at least three. He deserves it. He’s waited patiently for the last five weeks to slip you the unprotected bone, and you dare even question whether or not you should do it?

Hurry up and marry that dude. Have his kids, and have them fast. Who knows how soon he’ll be gone? He could be banging your sister by Saturday, and have forgotten all about you. You need to trap him, and trap him good.

If you even paid attention to what I wrote, you need help. You also need to punch yourself repeatedly in the ovaries so that you never breed.

Idiot.

Let me tell you all a story about a Harper Valley widowed wife,

Birdman

 

May 02

Therapy Thursday

newtherapythursday

Hey Birdman!

Our local classic rock station is repetitive as fuck. My problem is that I love the personalities of it, but hate hearing Rain Showers by Michel Pagliaro every fucking day. You can almost set your  watch by Mashmakhan and Bruce Fucking Cockburn. It’s gotten to the point that I have quit listening for weeks at a time, and even then when I switch it back on, it’s like I never left. Same fucking songs, same fucking rotation.

Thicken Meaty

Dear Thicken:

What the fuck is wrong with you? Thicken Meaty? Really, man? You couldn’t have come up with a better name than that? I assume you’re a dude, because a girl wouldn’t normally care about classic rock, or call herself “Thicken Meaty”. Continue reading

Mar 14

Therapy Thursday

(This didn’t actually come as a Therapy Thursday, but as it came anonymously, I am treating it as such. Also, if you want to send us in a question or problem, go to the “Harass Us” page in the sidebar. You can put a fake email and name in there if you’re scared.)

newtherapythursday

Dear Birdman

You seem like a angry dick on your facebook. Why do you hate God so much? Why do you always try to find a reason to make fun of religion instead of just checking it out and maybe liking it. It’s pretty cool to have all of the people in your church there to back you up and they make you always feel like your a good person. Theirs alot of worse things in the world than loving God. You could be a rapist or murder people.

Love Life

mindofbirdman

Okay then. If I was an angry dick, I would start this out by correcting your grammar and calling you an inbred stump jumper. I would then tell you to go grab the old mare and give her a right good rogering.

But I’m not angry, so I won’t. The dick part, would I guess depend on who you talk to. I’m now going to respond to your questions, albeit briefly, because you sent me this at 9:55 on a Wednesday night and I have to get up at 5:30 tomorrow. Why not leave it for next week, you might ask? Well, I haven’t had a Therapy Thursday question in forever, and I kind of miss them (a lot).

I love Monty Python.

I love Monty Python.

Continue reading

Mar 11

Standing Up For What’s Right

mindofbirdman

I’m bypassing the post about how I was depressed and didn’t realise it. It’s not that I don’t think it’s worth talking about, because it is, but this just happened tonight, so it’s still fresh.

I followed a guy that I thought was drunk, and I confronted him when he pulled into the convenience store parking lot.

I had to meet some people at the Tim Horton’s and got stuck behind this guy doing anywhere from 10 to 40 km/h in 50 and 60 km/h zones. He was swerving and hitting his brakes all willy-nilly and generally being a nuisance, so when I saw him getting into the drive-thru, I realised that I had a couple of minutes to talk to the family I was meeting. I saw the shiny, new avalanche leaving, so I got behind him and followed him back downtown. It was the same erratic driving as the way up, sometimes almost coming to a complete stop and then taking off slowly.

Not cool.

Not cool.

When he pulled into the Mac’s, I got out and approached his truck. He had oxygen tubes in his nose and his eyes were droopy and dull. I asked if he was alright and he said he was fine. I then asked if he’d been drinking and he got pissy and exclaimed that he hadn’t had a drink in twenty five years. I told him that he was driving pretty crazy, and that he was endangering anyone who was out on the road, because he wasn’t paying attention, but he told me he was just fishing for change and that he had looked around, and there wasn’t anyone following him, so he didn’t think it mattered. When I told him that I was right behind him the whole way, he said he didn’t see me, so I explained that he obviously wasn’t paying attention around him. Continue reading