Jul 04

Therapy Thursday

Hey! I forgot to do the Guardian Bell giveaway on the first post, so we are doing it now. You might as well go to www.guardianbell.com and pick out the bell you want, then put the name of your bell in a comment on this post.

 

newtherapythursday

 

Dear Therapy Thursday:

First wasband* down. Separated over a year with a child whose loving and caring for is a hands on job. I currently share expenses and custody. Did I mention that we still share a house? We are actually friends. Communal hippie living without the sex. For reals. It isn’t viable financially for me to afford my own space. I work full time, am edumacated  but underemployed living in a location that offers little opportunity and high cost of living. Yes, one of those beautiful places.

*

It's from urbandictionary.com, so you know it's true.

It’s from urbandictionary.com, so you know it’s true.

As it stands, I’m not down with being judged as a narcissistic parent looking to alienate a father and make everyone adhere to my agenda but I am aiming for more lucrative jobs in more affordable cities. An offer would include a long distance relocation with my son as I deserve the opportunity for equal earning power as opposed to battling for a settlement from a smaller pie to establish a second residence and merely exist.

As such, I have been pondering a potential journey back to my roots. Been far away from the homeland for half of my life. I’m applying where opportunities exist in the nearby urban centres. It would also present an opportunity for my son to get to know my family.

Did I mention this locale also affords me fantastic sex and love, love, love and shit, in what could only be dubbed as the high school bro-mance that never happened?

I know what you’re thinking. What a selfish bitch. Of course my son’s feelings are valid and consequential. As are his father’s. I take none of this lightly but I am not willing to stifle opportunity to keep peace in the house nonetheless.

Yes, after hanging out, rubbing uglies and plenty of lurid texting, I have a desire to be a part of the moment with a homeboy, not just remember, how he looks when he crinkles his nose at me or arches an eyebrow. That kind of shit takes a lifetime. And if you find someone who’s willing to invest that time, it’s a lifetime well spent.

The delusional cougar in me wonders why I’m a fool if I just do it for love but if I get the dream job then it’s okay because it’s about the money. Thoughts?

Betty

mindofbirdman

Hey Betty:

Wow, it sounds like you’re in a pickle. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. I guess you just have to look deeper into your choices to be able to figure out your best move. I assume that this move will be in the vicinity of an airport, so maybe there is a possibility of your child flying to visit their father. I’m not sure of age limits, but I know people that put their kids on Air Canada with special provisions. The flight attendants sort of look after them for a nominal fee. You could look into that as a viable alternative, if your “dream job” affords you that sort of opportunity.

I know that I once dated a woman that couldn’t leave the province we were in, because the father of her child wouldn’t allow his son to be that far away. I suppose she could have went to court and fought it, but in reality, we weren’t going to last that long, so I discouraged the shit out of that idea.

As for the love thing, I think that you need to pursue the things in life that make you happy. I would, and have, travelled across the country for the possibility of finding true happiness.

Twice they were failed attempts, but the last one wasn’t, so if there is a chance for you to get even a slice of the love, happiness, and sheer bliss that I got on this last go-round, I would say that you should pack that kid up and head back home. Take a month or so this summer to at least try it. Your ex can live that long without his kid, and maybe would finally have time to bang all of those college girls he’s been dreaming about since school’s been done. (we all have) Fuck legality, and take the plunge, because you never know when a chance like this will come along again.

Cause I’m leavin’ on a jet plane, don’t know when I’ll be back again,

Birdman

fromthedesk

That's my advice.

That’s my advice.

Mrs. B

SmartyTalks

Have you ever thought about getting your ex arrested for heroin trafficking or sex slave trading? It’s actually real easy and it pretty much allows you to do what you want with the kid for at least until he’s out of prison. Send me his address and I’ll get to work on making it happen.

Smarty

P.S. I’m also gonna need about $4000 and a gun.

 

Jun 27

Therapy Thursday

therapythursday2

Hey Birdman,
So here’s a problem. I’m in my forties (yes you’d never tell by my profile pic) and feel I have not yet found that one person who really understands me and what I’m really about. And by that, I don’t necessarily mean a man.

Yummy Mommy

wpid-fromthedesk.jpeg

Dear Yummy,

I am not sure if you are lamenting your lack of partner in general, or contemplating a change in sexual orientation to find that perfect someone.  Either way, you find yourself lacking in the one part of life that we all assume will be sorted out by now.  The funny thing is, there are lots and lots of people in the exact same situation.  Many people marry in their 20′s or 30′s thinking they have it all figured out, only to grow and change in a direction opposite of their spouse.  It soon becomes apparent that we are going to have to make major changes in our lives if we are hoping to get what we want and need. Continue reading

May 30

Therapy Thursday

newtherapythursday

I am contemplating going to a new job. More money. Bonuses. Overtime. Same hours. Not as mentally challenging but much more physical. Problem is, I am scared to death about being discriminated against because I am transgender. I don’t plan on announcing it to everyone, but I can’t quite “pass” as a male yet. I know there are laws to protect me. As the old saying goes “Sticks and stones.”, but words can still hurt. Got any good advice for me?

Dustin

(Editor’s note: Dustin blogs at Becoming Oliver, so go check it out. He talks about a lot of shit there. Well, a few weeks ago he was. Sometimes he’s lazy, like me.)

birdmandesk

Dear Dustin:

Do I? Fuck yeah, I have all kinds of advice, but first tell me if you have one of these?

logoshot

They're sippy cups for people who enjoy giving people heart attacks.

They’re sippy cups for people who enjoy giving other people heart attacks.

(photos from http://www.theselfmademen.com/ )

It would sure make me think you were a dude if I was standing next to you at a urinal. Well, unless you used the really dark one. That might give it away.

Anyhow, I don’t have any advice, other than to tell you that money doesn’t matter. If you love your job, and you were doing okay there, I personally wouldn’t take a job that you aren’t sure about just because it’s paying a bit better.

Now, that being said, if you don’t love the job you’re at right now, then what the fuck? You might as well try the new one. It may be your dream job, but even if it’s not, you have some added security until you do find what you’re looking for. The benefits might even cover some of the incidentals when you have your surgery. They sure can’t hurt, right?

Do what you feel is right. You still have that shithead supervisor? That’s something to take into account. I’m sure there will be a shithead at your new job, should you take it, but you are going to find them at every job you go to. I think that your gut will lead you in the right direction. Mine’s leading me to the bottom of this bag of Crispers.

Whatever you do will be an adventure, and we wish you the best.

Plays for keeps and try to never lose, live it fast but live the life you choose,

Birdman

SmartyTalks

Dear Duster,

Fuck that shit. Jobs are for suckers. You sure as fuck won’t catch me doing one, because I live the dream.

That’s right, I’m my own boss, and last year my company did better than General Motors. I work when I want, party all fucking day, and still have time left in my schedule to meet friends for coffee at night.

It’s such a great gig, but it’s hard to do it by myself, so I’ve been thinking I could really use another key person in my organisation. Someone who is smart.

There are lots of smart people looking for work, right? The problem is that I also need someone I can trust. Someone who isn’t going to piss away what I’ve worked so hard for.

I could use someone like you, but you probably aren’t interested.

You might be? Well don’t worry. It isn’t something shady like Amway or Primerica. This is a good, respectable job that could turn a tidy profit for the right person.

I think that person is you. You have what it takes.

You get to be your own boss, make your own hours, and you get to bang all sorts of hotties.

M

Maybe hotties was a poor choice of words.

Plus you get to stay in motels a lot.

It's great, because you don't have to pay for a whole night if you're just going to be there for a few hours.

It’s great, because you don’t have to pay for a whole night if you’re just going to be there for an hour.

I’m telling you, once you get some decent clients that pay upfront, you’ll be living the life of Riley. Not from the old radio show, but Riley, the guy who sometimes has to do collections for me. He drives a Lincoln. Yep, a real Lincoln.

Anyhow, if you like a bit of adventure in your career, give me a call and I’ll get your cubicle all set up for you.

If this is too cramped, there is a bigger one coming available in a few days.

If this is too cramped, there is a bigger one coming available in a few days.

Well the Dealer was a killer; he was evil and mean and he was jealous of the fire in her eye,

Smarty

May 23

Therapy Thursday

TherapyThursdaybanner

Dear therapy thursday: I need help with my non-understanding wife, I am a stay at home dad with 2 wonderful children who are 7 and 13. I work very hard every day for my family. I volunteer at both of my kids schools and take great pride in the work that I do at the schools and at the house. Well at the end of the day I am tired, she thinks I sit around watching Soap Operas all day and should be well rested when she gets in at 5:30. She expects dinner on the table and for me to make sure the kids are behaving, I think by the time she gets home it is her turn to look after the kids and let me rest. What do you think?

Wore out in ft nelson

SmartyTalks

Hey Paco,

Jesus, man, get ahold of yourself and let’s think about this. We need to look at it from all sides. Did you tell the guy that you wanted heroin or black tar heroin?I ask, because there is a huge difference. Don’t pay nearly as much for that tar shit. Wait up, where the fuck am I? Oh shit, wrong WWW. thing, but still good advice if anyone needs it.

Dear Wore out:

That wife of yours sounds like a Betty Buzzkill. I’d be volunteering every day too. I volunteer at several local high schools around here, but I’m not allowed on the actual property. It’s cool though, because the girls I’m looking for usually cross the street for a smoke whenever they get a chance. It’s never too early to recruit.

As for your wife, I would start drinking and being belligerent as soon as she gets home. That way, when you go for a nap, she will be glad for you to go. On the other hand, you could get a job if you wanted one. I’ve spent some time in Fort Nelly, and you could get hired on by pretty well anyone there. Even if you were a one-armed crackhead, you could easily make a decent living.

Glad I could help,

Smarty

birdmandesk

Dear Wore out:

This is a tough one for me, because I’m lazy and get depressed. I was off work for a year, and was not a model husband at all. I didn’t really do much around the house, and I sure didn’t do any volunteering at the school.

Well there was that one time, but I forgot about it and thoroughly disappointed our oldest.

Anyhow, I think that cohabitation means a lot of give and take, and you probably aren’t putting in full days at the schools, even if you did go every day. I’m not saying you should cook dinner every night, but you should be sharing in the responsibility for sure.

Another thing I would recommend is getting as much sun on your skin as you can, and doing a bit of exercise. Even if it’s just going for a walk with the kids/dog/lady from the A&W. You might not feel like it, but you could have a bit of depression too. I’m not saying you do, but you might, and it’s best to nip it in the bud. Don’t be like me and sit at a computer feeling sorry for yourself all day. It will suck the fucking joy out through your eyes.

I’m sorry that I don’t have anything better, but if you two just share the responsibilities fairly, things should work themselves out fine.

I went to a shrink, to analyze my dreams, she says it’s lack of sex that’s bringing me down,

Birdman

 

Dear Therapy Thursday

My boyfriend wants to get me pregnant, but I’m only 22 and not ready for a baby. We’ve only been dating for 5 weeks. He is talking about getting married and I’m okay with that part of it but not pushing a baby out of my coocoo.

Am I being unreasonable? I think I really love him and he calls me every day.

Janine

mindofbirdman

Dear Janine:

Don’t be such a silly Billy. Back in the old days, 22 year old girls would have had four of their seven kids, a herniated disc, and something that looked like a goiter, but smelled like fermented beans. It’s the way it was meant to be.

Now I’m not saying you should have seven kids, but you spread those legs and give that boy at least three. He deserves it. He’s waited patiently for the last five weeks to slip you the unprotected bone, and you dare even question whether or not you should do it?

Hurry up and marry that dude. Have his kids, and have them fast. Who knows how soon he’ll be gone? He could be banging your sister by Saturday, and have forgotten all about you. You need to trap him, and trap him good.

If you even paid attention to what I wrote, you need help. You also need to punch yourself repeatedly in the ovaries so that you never breed.

Idiot.

Let me tell you all a story about a Harper Valley widowed wife,

Birdman

 

May 02

Therapy Thursday

newtherapythursday

Hey Birdman!

Our local classic rock station is repetitive as fuck. My problem is that I love the personalities of it, but hate hearing Rain Showers by Michel Pagliaro every fucking day. You can almost set your  watch by Mashmakhan and Bruce Fucking Cockburn. It’s gotten to the point that I have quit listening for weeks at a time, and even then when I switch it back on, it’s like I never left. Same fucking songs, same fucking rotation.

Thicken Meaty

Dear Thicken:

What the fuck is wrong with you? Thicken Meaty? Really, man? You couldn’t have come up with a better name than that? I assume you’re a dude, because a girl wouldn’t normally care about classic rock, or call herself “Thicken Meaty”. Continue reading