Nov 26

So I got a request from Gadget

Gadget would like to know how two well rounded gents, like Chin and I treat our ladies to keep them happy. I’m going to let Chin answer first, and I’ll throw my two cents in after. I am sure that most of this goes for same sex relationships as well, based on the few that I’ve seen up close, but I could be wrong. I am using “her” because I’m speaking to a straight male, from me, a straight male. Okay, take it away, you dirty little freak.

This morning as I’m standing in the front window wearing nothing but my Wonder Woman Underoos and gazing out at the glistening white frozen hell that is northeastern B.C., the Bird tells me that he’s received a cry for help from one of his 9 interested blog followers. Time to spring into action…”To the laptop” I yell with underwhelming enthusiasm. With the speed and precision of a cornered rattlesnake, Birdman jumps into action and plunks his rather disgusting rear end right on top of me! “Not that laptop, fatty” I screamed frantically!

They were a little snug in the "balls hanging out the sides" area. Not pretty.

Apparently, someone is asking for us to give some relationship advice on how to keep that special lady in their life happy and wanting to stay a part of your life. Otherwise known as Man’s Eternal Challenge.

In my experience, there are only a few key things to keep in mind, which is good news for men because we tend to be a bit simple minded.

First, men and women are different. I know you figured that out when you first stole one of your uncle’s Playboy’s and hid under the basement stairs, but I’m talking about something different. Men think analytically and women think emotionally. For example; You and your much better half are going to a function one evening, she appears and asks you..”How do I look?” We’ve all been faced with this one before. You look at her and say..”You look good”…and you mean it. To you, it was a simple question and you gave a simple answer. To her, your simple answer means that you didn’t really look or you don’t really care.

Second, and this is an easy one, if your much better half thinks it’s important, IT’S IMPORTANT!!! No matter how small, non-life threatening or insignificant it may seem to you, it’s important to her. Treat the matter with the attention she believes it needs, and you just might make it through the day, intact.

Third, once in a while you’re going to have to put your testosterone in jar and place it on a shelf. By this I mean that sometimes the tv will have to be taken over by a romantic comedy, or a tear jerker love story. Contrary to man’s beliefs, these types of entertainment will not cause the 52 plasma with 5.1 Dolby surround sound to melt into a smoldering puddle of Hazmat. On the upside, if you turn the furnace down, so snuggling under a blanket is necessary to keep warm, you can probably avoid watching Bette Midler and play chesterfield checkers instead (she moves…you jump her).

Finally, treat her with the same amount of respect that you hope to receive. To me, there is nothing more offensive than a guy who treats his wife/girlfriend like a second class citizen. It is a small person who has to treat others poorly to make themselves feel more important. If you don’t treat her with the respect she deserves, sooner or later she will find a guy that will. I hope its sooner.

Women are wonderful creatures and the quicker we realize that, the more time we will have to enjoy their company.

Think about it…you can’t dig yourself out of a hole!

Chin

P.S.  I’ve been single for most of the past 12 years so use this advice at your own risk!

WARNING

May contain intimacy

I totally agree with what the Chinster had to say there, especially with the checkers comment. I do however, have a few things to add to that. One thing would be to talk, and often. Mrs. Birdman and I have maybe watched five movies together in a year and a half, and one or t’other of us usually falls asleep before it ends. That’s because we’d rather crawl into the cocoon, and talk to each other than sit and watch a movie. Don’t get me wrong, I love movies, but they seem so much less important to me now. I suppose that we just entertain the shit out of ourselves, and don’t need outside influence. You need to find out what makes each other tick and massage the hell out of it, but be honest with each other. The last thing you need to find out months or years down the road is that you are really separated on key issues. Maybe you want to have kids, but she doesn’t. How’s that going to go over in a year, when you bring up that you should start trying to get pregnant, and she admits that she really didn’t want kids, but was just going along with it because she loves you? Trust just fucked off to Mexico right there, and there’s a slim chance it’s coming back. I really can’t stress enough that you get rid of all head games and passive aggression, because that shit will bring down a relationship quicker than if you banged her sister (totally not recommended). I could go on and on about this, but we have a deadline to hit, so onward and upward.

Cocoon her properly. Climb into bed with a glass of wine if you can stomach that shit, or a bit of herbal happiness if you can’t. Until you are seasoned cocooners, this will relax you, and open your mind a little. Plan on spending four hours there, at least once a week, and do whatever you have to, to get that four hours. Once you are in there get naked, get facing each other and make eye contact. You need to make her eyes light up, and you have to be sincere while you do it. If you have to fake this part, then you really have more problems than I can help you with, and you should not be with her. I’m assuming that something brought you two together, and that’s what you need to expose and nurture. Now, while you are communicating on an emotional level, you also need to be touching, and I mean touching everything from her hair to the backs of her knees. While you are marveling at how beautiful your lady is, you should pause every so often to kiss her exposed parts. If she’s shy, and has the blankets up past her neck, start by pulling the covers down an inch, and softly kissing the part that you’ve exposed. Keep doing that until you have a patch of skin to work with, and then softly kiss all of it. It’s okay if she’s shy, because there’s a reason for that. Maybe she’s been told by someone that she needs to lose weight, or that her scars are gross. Whatever it is, it doesn’t matter. You love her, and that means all of her, so you need to make her feel comfortable in her own skin; this won’t work if both of you aren’t comfy.

Laugh, and have fun. Tickle each other. Wrestle. Eat candy or fruit. Thoroughly enjoy each others minds and bodies. This can be the greatest feeling on earth, if you are both into it. I know there are guys that are reading this, and thinking they’d rather be hunting, or watching sports. To these guys, I say that you don’t deserve a good woman. Give her to someone who will make her heart soar, and treat her like she’s the most important thing in his life, because that’s what she deserves. You have probably guessed that I have given you the condensed version, because people can’t always handle the full cocoon sensation. If you seriously want to know more about it, contact me. By phone, when I’m home, or if you don’t know me, then through the blog. I will help anyone that cares enough about their true love, to ask, but I suspect that the ones who care, already know this.

She believes in me, I’ll never know just what she sees in me,

Birdman

Nov 17

Therapy Thursday

Dear Birdman

Where is a single person supposed to meet someone living in this town? POF  is full of liars and cheats, the bars here suck, well there really aren’t any, and I don’t go to church (not really looking for a choir boy). After you pay for a babysitter and a taxi to go out of town, you are only left with a few dollars that might buy you one drink to take the edge off, and I sure as hell need more than one if I’m going out….just saying. So please help me, wise and powerful Birdman. You’ve got yourself a fine woman, help me find the love of my life.

Mama needs some sugar

Dear Mama,

You are right about me having a fine woman, but to tell you the truth, I have to credit POF and Facebook for that. If it hadn’t been for me looking on POF during the few days her profile was up, I wouldn’t have known she was single, and I wouldn’t have contacted her. I had met her before, in high school and scattered times after, but we had never really talked and most of the time she was hitched. Enough about me, let’s see if we can’t work out something for you to try.

First off, we have to establish what it is you are looking for. From your letter I see you are a drinker. This is a good start. I would go to your local liquor store and sit in the parking lot until you see a cute guy go in. Now, it’s important to watch what he comes out with. If it’s a case of beer, or a forty oz of whiskey, rum, or vodka(gin is ok, if he’s a limey) then he’s probably single and you need to follow his ass home. When he gets there, you need to take some photos of the property and make a note of his address. If there are more than one vehicle, you’ll need to make sure you have pics with the plate numbers recognizable. Now go home and google the address to find out what you can about the situation. If he’s single, a widower or recently divorced, you are in luck. Grab some chloroform and pretend you’re delivering pizza. If you don’t learn much from the net, you’ll have to take the plate numbers down to the police station, and work some charm. I’m not going to lie; you’ll probably have to blow someone to get the info you need, but don’t worry, it’ll be quick, because of the danger factor, and well worth the trouble. Voila, now you know how many people live there, and you can plan the assault date from home, because you were smart enough to take photos of the layout beforehand.

Sundown, you’d better take care, if I find you’ve been creeping ’round my back stair,

Birdman

Dear Mama,

Once again, I must insist that no one ever take Birdman’s advice for any reason, ever, unless you enjoy the comfort and reliability of 3 squares behind bars.  Now, let’s move on.

Mama, I know what you are talking about.  I’ve been there myself.  There is a world of unsavory characters out there waiting to pounce on an unsuspecting lady.  Some are liars, some are players, some are just without a god damned clue.  The truth is, you won’t know about any of them until you put yourself out there.  I do believe that the best hook-ups happen organically, either through friends or from a mutual interest.  If you haven’t shook the single man tree of every lady friend you know, I suggest you start there.  I also suggest you not immediately discount any nice, single man that is interested in meeting you.  You really never know who might turn out to be a fantastic date, or even a great new friend.

When it comes to places of common interest, there are gyms, clubs and special interest groups.  I know a pile of single fellas that hang out at a camera club I speak to.  Of course, most of them are senior citizens, but that’s beside the point.  What I am getting at, is that a common interest is a pretty decent place to start.

While we are on the subject of ‘starting’, may I offer a few suggestions to all the single ladies (and gentlemen) out there?

  1. Be yourself.  I mean really, who the hell else are you going to be?  Let’s just say that you hate camping and personally own a mug that says “I love not camping”.(ME)  Do you think it is a good idea to wax poetically about your love of all things outdoors if this is the case?  NO.  It’s a case of false advertising to the person you are attempting to lure in with your tall tales.  It is a much better plan to be honest, and hope your future mate doesn’t have dreams of canoeing down the amazon with you, squatting to pee together, and cooking your own freshly-killed forest creatures over an open hearth.
  2. Know that you are GOOD STUFF.  For real.  You are!  If you don’t believe that, you better understand that no-one else will either.  You are your biggest cheerleader, so you best brush off your pom-poms and get ready to self-promote.
  3. Be honest.  You don’t have to tell him (or her) about the time you dated the entire football team in one week, but you should be fairly forthcoming about your likes, dislikes, hopes and dreams for the future.  If you want a mess of kids, you ought to mention that.  Also, if you have shut that factory down, you might note that as well.  There is nothing worse than finding out that you really like someone who has fundamental differences in their beliefs and future plans.  As well, you will have to bring up the football team eventually.  I’m just sayin’.
  4. Understand that someone who wants to get to know you better will do everything in their power to do just that.  There will be no need to avoid you, not-return your calls and texts, and generally leave you wondering what the hell is going on.  See troubling behavior as soon as it manifests itself, and save yourself the heart-ache of throwing yourself at someone who isn’t interested.  Or isn’t interested ENOUGH.  Remember the ‘you’re good stuff” part?  Keep remembering that.
  5. Don’t take it personally.  Any potential person is either a match or he or she isn’t.  Don’t get bent out of shape if he/she isn’t into you.  You don’t like everyone YOU meet, do you?  Well then?  Cut yourself some slack.  Remember ‘Mystery Date’?  Sometimes it’s a DREAM… (oooooh!)  Sometimes it’s a DUD.  (ewwww).   Shit happens.

Mystery Date...a fun diversion for lonely spinsters. Nah...just kiddin'! 😉

I think that’s all I have for you, Mama.  I know that I have met the man of my dreams, and he is perfect for me in every way.  Note I said he’s perfect FOR ME.  There are lots of fine ladies that tossed him back into the proverbial pond to try for another fish, and for that I will always be grateful.  He was ready for me when I was ready for him.  Match. Set. Point.  🙂  (Yes, I did just totally make a tennis reference when I know NOTHING about tennis.  I’m crazy like that).  What worked for me may not work for you, but you won’t know until you get out there and give it a shot.

Good luck, and keep us posted!

 

Mama he’s crazy…(for not dating you),

Mrs. Birdman

*Send your questions or problems to – birdman@changethetopic.com *

 

Nov 10

Therapy Thursday

Dear Birdman,
I have recently started dating a new woman. Well, we’ve had one date but plan on having another one this week. I really like this woman, and we seem to have a lot in common, but she wants to wait for 90 days before we take our “relationship” to the next level. Is this a normal thing to have happen? She says it is to get to know each other better and build trust and respect. Do I wait or try something sooner? Should I be offended or flattered?
By the way, Mrs.Birdman, you give out awesome advice. It is because of you that I had the courage to ask for this lady’s number. Thank you!
Curious

Dear Curious,

First of all, we really appreciate the fact that you send in questions. You are clearly the only reader that gives two shits about whether Therapy Thursday survives or not. Maybe you could suggest us to some of your friends, because our friends clearly have no troubles whatsoever, or they just don’t trust us enough to send in their woes. If that’s the case, make a fake hotmail account and send it in anonymously. Whatever it takes for us to keep on going, because this is all I have to make me feel important.

Sorry, I needed to get that out there. Now onto your problem. I fully believe that you should wait a bit, just while you run your background checks, and hire a private detective to take pictures of her for a week or so. Three months is a bit much though; I’d go with three weeks. You will have to shell out at least $1500 for the detective service, but it’s well worth it. If you don’t have the cash lying around, you should go to new home job sites, and strip whatever copper and brass that you can. Make sure you take them to a different town to sell the scrap, because you don’t want to be spending the winter in the hoosegow. Copper is going for around $3 a pound in our area, and you should be able to get enough out of a new subdivision to cover the P.I. Now you need to go through the pics to find out if that sneaky bitch is stepping out on you to play the field and look around for a better offer. If you see her going on dates with someone else, you can revert to the old “frozen brick of shit” trick, or give her name and address to every mailing list and infomercial known to man. Take that you unsatisfiable whore!!!

You can’t let these people walk all over you, so another thing I like to do in the trial period, is to pretend I’m exactly what she’s looking for in a mate, and hold in my real feelings until she feels comfortable around me, then…BAM. I’m bringing a broad home from the bar at two in the morning, snorting meth off of her belly and spending all of my time trying to talk to myself in the bathroom mirror, while she steals all of the meat out of the freezer. Man, why do women have to be such assholes? I’m glad I finally found a good one. Heed my advice and ye shall prosper.

You know that chick that used to dance a lot? Every night she’d be on the floor shakin’ what she’s got,

Birdman

Well…I had to pick through a lot of shit to get to the corn of that message, Birdman.  Simply stated, I don’t believe you are at all qualified to give advice to death row convicts, let alone nice, actual people.  You should take down your shingle and try to avoid counselling any person for any reason.

Now, Curious, I hear what you are saying.  I know it seems like 90 days is a long time to wait to move forward in a relationship, but your new lady has her reasons.  Perhaps she’s dated other people who turn into someone else after the honeymoon phase wears off, or has moved things a bit too fast and crashed and burned because of it.  I think that starting out on solid ground is a good idea for any relationship, and learning as much as you can about that person, while the issues of sex and defining the relationship are clearly off the table, is a no-pressure way to do that.  Maybe on your 6th or 7th date, your lady will decide that you are definitely a candidate for happily ever after, and advance you further in the ‘relationship’ game.  Regardless, setting a time-limit to explore your friendship on clearly defined terms is not a bad idea at all.

As far as being offended or flattered, I would say you should be flattered.  It’s a smart and sensible woman who knows that good things start slow and gain momentum.  She obviously likes you enough to want to see you again, and she likes herself enough to be careful and selective about her prospective partner.  I like it!  Mrs. Birdman is giving this gal a very enthusiastic ‘thumbs up’!

Let your soul and spirit fly into the mystic,

Mrs. Birdman
Nov 03

Therapy Thursday

Dear Birdman,

I have had a terrible itch in my groin area for weeks now. It is quite embarrassing since the itch gets overwhelming and I end up scratching myself in public. Or sometimes I try rubbing against a pole or another person for relief. The judge said I can’t do that anymore. Is there anything you can do to help me?

Yours truly,

Itchy Bush

Dear Itchy,

Your problem reminds me of all of the times I’ve caught crabs from impure women toilet seats in my younger days. What I do is scratch it until it’s raw and bleeding, and then pour rubbing alcohol all over the affected area. You may find the pain unbearable, so you should go out and steal half a dozen oxycodone from an injured relative, or if that isn’t possible, you’ll have to buy some from a dealer. Give me a call if that’s the case, and I’ll hook you up. I don’t know if that actually kills the little bastards, or if it’s the ensuing hospital stay and shaving, but you’ll be back to normal in a few weeks.

There might be a little dust on the bottle,

Birdman

 

 

 

Dear Itchy,

I am pretty sure you are the asshat that keeps sending me friend requests on Facebook. (how many ‘Itch EeBush’s can there be?). I’m going to make this short and sweet: You need to get yourself something for that nasty-ass situation you have brewing in your drawers.  I recommend Kwellada Shampoo and a more discerning approach to dating.

Living like a honey badger,

Mrs. Birdman

Dear Birdman,

My dog’s penis tastes bitter. What causes that?

Pink Pencil Ponderings

Dear Pink,

You need to feed a holistic diet, with one tablespoon of maple syrup mixed in with each feeding. I think you’ll find a much more pleasant taste, and a silkier texture. Enjoy.

Desperado, why don’t you come to your senses,

Birdman

 

 

 

OH FOR CHRIST’S SAKE…that’s it! I give up.

If we don’t get better questions for Therapy Thursdays, I am taking a permanent vacation. This is bullshit.

Thinking you all need a probation officer and better hygiene,

Mrs. Birdman

Oct 27

Therapy Thursdays

Birdman

I have an issue with being too nice to people when really I just want to tell them what losers they really are. Then when I finally do say something, it comes out really harsh and I am known as a bitch. How can I take care of these people without crushing them?

Sincerely,

Up in the clouds

Dear Up,

You are wise to not want the people around you to be crushed, either physically or emotionally. You never know when you’ll need to borrow some of their shit, or get in on a threesome with them or their spouse.

I’m probably not the one to ask about this, because I can tell by your name that you’re probably a douchebag, and I don’t waste my time on useless tits, such as yourself. What I would do if I were you, is talk to Mrs. Birdman, because she’s got a soft spot for fuck-ups, and idiots. After you don’t take her advice, I want you too go to the woods, find a big, hard tree, and smack your head into it until you become unconscious.

People like you make me mad, because you use up valuable oxygen and other resources, that could be saved to keep a productive member of society or their pets alive. I sure hope you can dance sexy, because about all you’re good for is stripping at retirement homes. I’m getting sick of you, and I haven’t even met you… or have I? Shit, I hope you don’t have any tools or a wife I need to borrow.

Say it like it is, Up in the colon,

Birdman

 


Hi Up, it’s me, Mrs. B.  You should know that Birdman is just a big fat douchebag sometimes, and he really is the worst advice columnist I have ever seen.  I don’t think convicted felons could give worse council.  It’s also possible he drank a bottle of bleach before he lit into you with his tirade, so maybe cut him a bit of slack when you visit him in the hospital this week.

Now, as far as being called a bitch, I wouldn’t let it bother you.  I actually know you in real life, and I can say without hesitation that you are one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met.  I find it hard to imagine that you ever let salty language of any type pass your lips.  You are just THAT sweet.  🙂  I can also say that you are one hell of a dancer, and just as cute as a button.  No, UP, you are not a bitch.  All of the losers look up to you and just want to be around someone as nice as you are.  It’s really not their fault.  Also, you should remember that losers rarely take good advice anyway, so why waste your time?  Now, go put on your dancin’ shoes and shake a leg, you saucy thing.

It’s only rock and roll, but I like it…

Mrs. Birdman

 

 

Dear Birdman,

I am going to a Pride dance on Saturday night. I am really looking forward to it but I’m afraid that I won’t be able to talk to the girls there. Or at least, the ones I think are girls. How can I tell if they are, and what should I wear as a costume? Should I gender bend or go as something a bit more normal?

Thanks for the help,

Confused in the North

Hi Confused,

I can’t tell you the best way, but I can tell you the way that gets you arrested at Toronto Pride in 2001. You see back then I was not quite as aware of the gay lifestyle, and I was still believing the stereotypes about gay people. I decided I was going to try to impersonate a girl, because I wasn’t having much luck with the straight ladies, also because I had seen Boys Don’t Cry and I thought maybe a real live lesbian would go for me if she thought I was a split-tail. I had seen my share of pornos by that time, and lesbians were where it was at. I donned a pair of Birkenstocks and a plaid shirt, shaved my legs, stuffed my bra, taped up my junk, and headed for the parade.

Apparently walking around at the pride parade and cupping crotches is not a good way to see if someone is a male or female. By the time I found a real lesbian, I had been punched, kicked, spit on and groped about the toilet paper breasts. I was so excited to try out my moves on her, I didn’t notice the cop trying to get the cuffs on me. For whatever reason, they didn’t believe my story, and arrested me for eight counts of sexual assault, although two offered to drop the charges, if I would agree to a date. So I ended up with six charges and two dates, which were quite pleasant, and I was none the wiser when I got home. I have since found a girl that would sleep with me as a straight dude, and I find it much easier than pretending to be someone I’m not. I also should let you know that when taping your genitals up, don’t use duct tape, and shave everything.

Please pray for me,

Birdman

Oh Confused…please disregard the previous 2 paragraphs.  (*eye roll*)

As far as Pride goes, can’t you kind of wing it?  If you see someone attractive, and you think it’s a she, then do your best “Hey There” eyes and sashay (or stomp, whatever blows your hair back) on over to say hello.  If it’s a guy dressed as a girl, he’ll certainly be pleased he fooled you, right?  If it’s a girl, then I think we have a win-win situation, now don’t we?  Either way, the overall spirit of pride is one of fun and celebration of differences, so I can’t imagine you are going to insult anyone by letting them know that you think they are attractive.

As to the question of gender-bending, I would have to ask you a question:  What would make YOU feel most attractive?  Confident?  Inspired?  I think that if you answer those questions, you will probably figure out which route to go in your outfit.  I also think that if you are to meet *Mrs. Right* at the dance, what *you* do you want her to be attracted to?  The *you* that identifies as a lesbian out on the town, or the *you* that feels hot and confident dressed in very masculine attire.  The world is your oyster, and this is your time to have a bit of fun and see what makes you happy.  Enjoy the party, and let us know how it all goes down.  Literally.  *wink*

Dude looks like a lady, but she’s alright with me…

Mrs. B.