Oct 27

Therapy Thursdays

Birdman

I have an issue with being too nice to people when really I just want to tell them what losers they really are. Then when I finally do say something, it comes out really harsh and I am known as a bitch. How can I take care of these people without crushing them?

Sincerely,

Up in the clouds

Dear Up,

You are wise to not want the people around you to be crushed, either physically or emotionally. You never know when you’ll need to borrow some of their shit, or get in on a threesome with them or their spouse.

I’m probably not the one to ask about this, because I can tell by your name that you’re probably a douchebag, and I don’t waste my time on useless tits, such as yourself. What I would do if I were you, is talk to Mrs. Birdman, because she’s got a soft spot for fuck-ups, and idiots. After you don’t take her advice, I want you too go to the woods, find a big, hard tree, and smack your head into it until you become unconscious.

People like you make me mad, because you use up valuable oxygen and other resources, that could be saved to keep a productive member of society or their pets alive. I sure hope you can dance sexy, because about all you’re good for is stripping at retirement homes. I’m getting sick of you, and I haven’t even met you… or have I? Shit, I hope you don’t have any tools or a wife I need to borrow.

Say it like it is, Up in the colon,

Birdman

 


Hi Up, it’s me, Mrs. B.  You should know that Birdman is just a big fat douchebag sometimes, and he really is the worst advice columnist I have ever seen.  I don’t think convicted felons could give worse council.  It’s also possible he drank a bottle of bleach before he lit into you with his tirade, so maybe cut him a bit of slack when you visit him in the hospital this week.

Now, as far as being called a bitch, I wouldn’t let it bother you.  I actually know you in real life, and I can say without hesitation that you are one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met.  I find it hard to imagine that you ever let salty language of any type pass your lips.  You are just THAT sweet.  🙂  I can also say that you are one hell of a dancer, and just as cute as a button.  No, UP, you are not a bitch.  All of the losers look up to you and just want to be around someone as nice as you are.  It’s really not their fault.  Also, you should remember that losers rarely take good advice anyway, so why waste your time?  Now, go put on your dancin’ shoes and shake a leg, you saucy thing.

It’s only rock and roll, but I like it…

Mrs. Birdman

 

 

Dear Birdman,

I am going to a Pride dance on Saturday night. I am really looking forward to it but I’m afraid that I won’t be able to talk to the girls there. Or at least, the ones I think are girls. How can I tell if they are, and what should I wear as a costume? Should I gender bend or go as something a bit more normal?

Thanks for the help,

Confused in the North

Hi Confused,

I can’t tell you the best way, but I can tell you the way that gets you arrested at Toronto Pride in 2001. You see back then I was not quite as aware of the gay lifestyle, and I was still believing the stereotypes about gay people. I decided I was going to try to impersonate a girl, because I wasn’t having much luck with the straight ladies, also because I had seen Boys Don’t Cry and I thought maybe a real live lesbian would go for me if she thought I was a split-tail. I had seen my share of pornos by that time, and lesbians were where it was at. I donned a pair of Birkenstocks and a plaid shirt, shaved my legs, stuffed my bra, taped up my junk, and headed for the parade.

Apparently walking around at the pride parade and cupping crotches is not a good way to see if someone is a male or female. By the time I found a real lesbian, I had been punched, kicked, spit on and groped about the toilet paper breasts. I was so excited to try out my moves on her, I didn’t notice the cop trying to get the cuffs on me. For whatever reason, they didn’t believe my story, and arrested me for eight counts of sexual assault, although two offered to drop the charges, if I would agree to a date. So I ended up with six charges and two dates, which were quite pleasant, and I was none the wiser when I got home. I have since found a girl that would sleep with me as a straight dude, and I find it much easier than pretending to be someone I’m not. I also should let you know that when taping your genitals up, don’t use duct tape, and shave everything.

Please pray for me,

Birdman

Oh Confused…please disregard the previous 2 paragraphs.  (*eye roll*)

As far as Pride goes, can’t you kind of wing it?  If you see someone attractive, and you think it’s a she, then do your best “Hey There” eyes and sashay (or stomp, whatever blows your hair back) on over to say hello.  If it’s a guy dressed as a girl, he’ll certainly be pleased he fooled you, right?  If it’s a girl, then I think we have a win-win situation, now don’t we?  Either way, the overall spirit of pride is one of fun and celebration of differences, so I can’t imagine you are going to insult anyone by letting them know that you think they are attractive.

As to the question of gender-bending, I would have to ask you a question:  What would make YOU feel most attractive?  Confident?  Inspired?  I think that if you answer those questions, you will probably figure out which route to go in your outfit.  I also think that if you are to meet *Mrs. Right* at the dance, what *you* do you want her to be attracted to?  The *you* that identifies as a lesbian out on the town, or the *you* that feels hot and confident dressed in very masculine attire.  The world is your oyster, and this is your time to have a bit of fun and see what makes you happy.  Enjoy the party, and let us know how it all goes down.  Literally.  *wink*

Dude looks like a lady, but she’s alright with me…

Mrs. B.

Oct 25

Shit my lady knows…

Hey you guys, I skipped work today, drove to the city, had a wonderful lunch with a couple of assholes at Lahore Tikka on Gerrard St. and got some shit done. We then picked up the wee ones and hit up Value Village in Belleville for our Halloween costumes and had some Taco Bell for supper. Indian and synthesized Mexican in one day does a job on a fellow’s digestive tract, so I’ve forced my baby to jot down a few words while I drove and searched for a washroom. When I read this, I realized that she’s almost as much of a lady as I am. I then realized I was crying, and regained my title of “Biggest vagina in a house full of women”. Yayyyyyyyy, I’m probably going to hold that title for life, and as long as they love me for it, I’m going to keep it that way. Also, it keeps me occupied on long trips, and that’s just trying to find the little man in the canoe. I know that elusive bastard is in there somewhere.

 

 

 

I think you don’t walk around on this earth for 40 years without learning a thing or two.  I’m not saying I am an expert at all things life-related, but what I am saying, is that this amount of time gives you a certain amount of perspective.

Over the past 4 decades I have worn many hats:  daughter, sister, niece, student, friend, lover, wife, mother.  The list goes on and on.  There are some titles I am proud to bear, and some I’d rather forget I ever did.  Regardless, every step I have taken along the way has brought me to this moment, just as your steps have delivered you as well.

These are some of the things I would like my own daughters to learn long before I did.  I would like them to know what they really want in this life, and what kinds of things are important enough to fight for.  So here goes…an open letter to my kids, and a wish that they get it right early in life.

Love your parents.  Good or bad, they probably did the best they could with what they had.  Put away as much of the anger as you are able.  You are going to fuck your kids up too, just by doing the best YOU can.  Full Circle, baby.  Someday they will be gone, so love them as much as you can while you have the chance.

Have principles and stick to them.  You know what’s right and wrong, and your beliefs are going to keep you company for a very long time.  Surround yourself with people who are honest, and who are true to their word.  One person doing the right thing can make a difference, however small it might be.  Be the strongest person you can, and never turn your back on your beliefs.

Love yourself.  If you don’t, or won’t, no one else will either.  Love every bit of you: your body, your mind, and your heart.  You will be showing others how to treat you, so love and respect who you are, and never accept less than you deserve.

You can and should control yourself. Understand that you cannot control anyone else.  I have wanted to control others, and I have tried in many ways to subtly, and not-so-subtly exert my influence on other people.  It’s not very affective.  You control you.  That’s it.  This is one of those things I wish I had learned much earlier in life.  Live and learn, I guess. You. Control. You.

Love with all your heart, but don’t waste your love on people who can’t, or won’t, love you with all of their heart.  There is truly no greater happiness than experiencing unconditional love from your partner.  It’s beautiful to see yourself through the eyes of someone who loves you more than you love yourself.   You deserve to be loved like this.

I wish for you, the kind of happiness that everyone dreams of.  I want you to take pride in your accomplishments, and to learn from your mistakes.  I want you to be loved deeply and forever, by someone who loves and respects you.  I want you to become a mother someday, and to learn what it feels like to have your heart swell far beyond your imagination.

I will do my best with you girls, because you deserve everything I’ve got.  If I kiss you too much, or hug you too often, then I will be doing my job well.   I hope that when you are grown women, with busy lives and children that are embarrassed by you, that you smile when you think of me, and that you are thankful for the happiness you have known, and the love in which you have been securely wrapped.

Come give momma a little sugar,

Mrs. Birdman

Oct 20

Therapy Thursdays

Yo Birdman

I have a private question for your advice column. I take it from your blog you are a smoker so here goes…. The guy I was goin to for years is out of the business. I’m looking for someone in the area who can hook me up from time to time. I’m hoping you know someone I might be able to meet. I’m dying here if you could help me out at all I’d really appreciate it.. Thanks Birdman.

Dry and Grounded

Dear Dry and Grounded,

I take it from your demeanor that you have glaucoma or anxiety, and are legally allowed to use marijuana for medical reasons, so I will answer your question.

First of all, I am unable to use marijuana, because of possible drug testing for work, so I am not in anyway an expert on finding a disreputable dispenser of cannabis or it’s derivatives.

That said, I can tell you about a fellow that deals only in the finest medical-grade herbal medicine available. If you go and hang out in front of the mall after 4pm, you will see a guy in a checkered coat. Mention in passing, that the weather is hard on your joints, nerves, eyes or whatever and he will make a call. Don’t ask questions, and don’t stare at his goiter, just get in the black A-Team style van that pulls up. Remember, don’t stare at his goiter.

When you get the things you need, you should head to the Intergalactic Trading Company at 410 1/2 George St N, Peterborough ON, K9H 3R5 (705)-749-3070 and grab yourself a pipe, or a vaporizer for ummmmm, incense.

Enjoy the rest of your day,

Birdman

 

 

 

Now, hold the phone, Dry, if that is indeed your ‘real’ name.  I suspect you realize that MaryJane is neither lawful or recommended under current Canadian law.  I haven’t checked lately, but the last time I heard of someone firing up a spliff in public, there were handcuffs involved.   The police pooh-pooh the use of illegal narcotics in this province, and in all the others too, I suppose.

In the immortal words of Mr. Garrison:

 

However, in the event that my stern warning falls on deaf ears, I want to share a cautionary tale with you.

Once upon a time, there was a young man who loved to curl up with a big gagger and relax on his days off.   One terrible day, he realized that his supplies were getting dangerously low, due to the fact that his rat-faced roommate had been dipping into his secret stash on the sly.

That very day, the young man set out on an epic journey to find some sweet, sweet green.  He met with blank stares and apathy, until one kind soul pointed him to the very gentleman outside the mall with the goiter and the shifty eyes.  After making the required small talk, the black van appeared, and he was unceremoniously shoved into it’s waiting cargo area.

Three days later he awoke in a bathtub filled with ice, and down one kidney.

"Hey...I was USING that!"

 

All I can say is that if I ever need a kidney, the Birdman is all tapped out.  I think you know what I am getting at here.  At least SOMEONE should learn from the Birdman’s mistake.

Smoke ’em if you got ’em,

Mrs. Birdman

Oct 13

Therapy Thursday

Dear Birdman,

I am a little stuck on what to do. There is a girl I have a crush on. I really want to ask for her phone number or ask her for a date but I’m shy. I’m not sure how to get over it and ask her.  Can you help me? I figured since you got yourself a hot woman, you would know.

Shy in the North

 

Dear Shy,

 

I’d like to thank you for making up a good name, and then tell you that you have good taste in women. You are correct about me bagging a good one.

As for your query, you need to make an amateur porn video to showcase your skills and mail it to her. I’m guessing that you’re too shy to find someone that will star in your short film, so here are a few hints. Call an escort service and give the girl an extra hundred bucks, but don’t tell her about the freaky shit or she’ll bolt. You need to surprise her with that stuff and make sure she’s facing the camera when you spring it on her, so you capture the look of surprise on her face. There’s nothing that chicks find more sexy than being surprised in the sack.

You should also follow her home and go through her trash to find out what she likes to eat, drink etc… You should bug her home as well, and then call her while disguising your voice, and ask what she thinks of you, then when you hang up, you can see what she says about you out loud.

If it’s not very nice, I would throw a frozen brick of shit through her window, if it’s nice though, send her the video.

 

Free your mind, and the rest will follow,

Birdman

 

 

OMG…really?  I feel I must step in.  If you take the advice of this severely disturbed individual (aka my Fiance), you will be finding yourself spending many lonely nights without your crush, and in the warm embrace of a restraining order.  I think you should also know that Birdman is no authority on winning over the ladies.  His track record speaks for itself, with a 1/10 success rate.  I won him in a hand of poker, if you must know.

 

Listen Shy…I have some real advice for you.

 

Be yourself.  Start with simple conversation.  Say what you mean, and mean what you say.  Make eye contact.  Smile.  Then smile a bit more. 🙂

 

There is nothing wrong with being forward: “I think you are really fun to talk to and I’d love to take you out for a coffee/beer/dinner”…whatever.   Watch for her body language.  Is she leaned into your conversation?  Does she maintain and return eye contact?  When talk turns to the more personal, does she change the subject or try to navigate into ‘safer’ waters?  If you pay attention to your crush, she’ll be giving you plenty of signals to let you know if she is or isn’t into you.

 

Remember, you are selling YOU.  So be positive and engaging, and if she doesn’t take the bait, then send me her address and I will have my people pay her ‘a visit’.  I think you know what I mean.  *wink*

 

Your partner in crime,

 

Mrs. Birdman

Oct 06

Therapy Thursdays #1

newtherapythursday

Dear Birdman,

I hear you are an expert when it comes to controlling problem wildlife. I have troubles with raccoons getting into everything year after year and was wondering if you had any advice on how to keep them away?

Frank

First off, can’t you come up with a decent name like they do in the professional advice columns? Something like Rabidly Hating Raccoons, or Not Cool With Coons? Whatever. Just because I have no experience at this, doesn’t mean that I’m cheap and don’t deserve to be treated with advice columnist respect.

Now I don’t claim to be an expert in anything, but I do know that you must be a simpleton if you are trying to keep raccoons away. They are fucking delicious. My advice is to get a weapon of some sort and what I do is throw some rotting chicken or other meat out in the garbage and wait for the little bastards to try and open it. That’s when they taste my stout club,(but you can use whatever) right behind the ear. Another way I’ve heard of is to live trap and drown them, but I won’t trade a speedy kill for extra tender meat, especially if I have to look into those big brown eyes as I slowly lower them into the rain barrel. That’s just inhumane. Some of the neighbours get pissed off with the noise, what with the screaming and flailing if they don’t die right away, but I just send over a small pot of this delicious stew and that usually keeps them quiet for a while.

Raccoon Stew

~ 1 raccoon, cleaned, skinned and quartered
~ pepper
~ 4 cups water
~ 2 carrots, diced
~ 1 stalk celery, diced
~ 2 large potatoes, cubed
~ salt

In a large pot, place the meat and cover with water. Bring to a boil and cook for 1 hour.
Remove meat and allow to cool. Discard water.Remove meat from bones and cut into 1” – 2” cubes. Sprinkle with pepper.Add meat back to pot and add water, carrots, celery and potatoes. Season to taste with salt.Bring to a boil, reduce heat and cook until veggies are tender. Adjust seasoning if needed.Serve and enjoy.

Love thy neighbour… if they’re hot,

Birdman

P.S. Please send all questions to birdman@changethetopic.com. They will all be posted on the following Thursday. If you don’t send any, then I will be forced to invent shit, and you won’t like it.