Well, we have a new baby in the family, and it’s kind of exciting, but in a weird way for me. I’m not generally a baby person, but when my mom couldn’t go and help Mrs. Birdman with the newborn shoot, I went along for support. You see it’s nice if she has someone to help set up the lights, backgrounds, etc… , that’s where I come in handy. Well, there are other places too, but that’s where right then. We went out, got things all set up and then I asked C where his new baby brother was. He took me out into the kitchen, to the car seat facing the patio doors, and there he was. Five days old, and sleeping.
I may be working my way into being a baby person.
I don’t know what it was, but I all of a sudden started smiling and thinking about how sweet and serene that kid looked. Nothing to worry about, except his next meal. Oh, and maybe how long the shit stays in his diapers. By now C had taken off to show me another cool thing that he had, and his mom had come in to get little L. She was glowing, of course. I imagine she will be for a while. I think it’s how girls are wired when babies are involved. Continue reading →
Dear Birdman: I’ve been reading your advice column regularly, and I was wondering if you could help me with a little problem I’ve been having. Recently I became ill, and was unable to perform my duties as a wife for the last 20 days, 7 hours and 33 minutes (not that I’m counting). I’m about to blow my top, but I still don’t have the energy to go all the way. Is there a good way to let my hubby know that I want him to “head south”, so I can at least relax, and maybe get a decent sleep for once? He’s been pretty talkative for the last few days, so I wouldn’t mind harnessing some of that energy, and maybe shutting him up for a little while.
Dear Birdman: I recently got fired from my job for what I believe was not a good reason. I wondered if you could talk about how people should be treated by employers at their workplace, and the consequences of their actions if they wrongfully dismiss someone. I’m sick of being treated poorly at my place of employment, and I demand change.
Pink Slip Princess
Dear Pink: First of all, I’d like to tell you that you came to the right place. I’ve been wrongfully dismissed from dozens of jobs in my life. There are just some people that can’t handle my brand of spectacular.
Now I’ll tell you a few tricks that will give you satisfaction as a disgruntled employee. I’m not sure how you feel about handling human feces, but the first redemption move requires at least a handful of it. Once you have it, you need to pack it up under the door handle of their vehicle late at night. Next get yourself some binoculars, sit yourself far away, but in clear sight and get ready to watch the show.
So you don’t like that idea? Do they live in the country and have a well? If so, find an exterminator and befriend them. Wait until they have a skunk that they are disposing of, and go on the call with them. Make note of where they dump the remains and go back a bit later and get it. You need to be there ASAP to possibly fight off the coyotes or other scavengers, so pack a lunch. You should also take a hospital mask or bandanna and rub some Vick’s Vaporub into it. Grab yourself a garbage bag and a shovel, and get it in there as gently as possible. Then you need to sneak it into your ex-employer’s well, and get ready to hear the screaming when they have a shower in the morning (not to mention when they make coffee). Continue reading →
My boyfriend’s birthday is tomorrow, and I don’t know what to get him. Last year I was EIGHT months late getting his present to him. He gets home at 11PM tomorrow night, and I need help! BTW, that shirt makes you look fat.
Procrastinating in Picton
I’m going out on a limb here and wondering if your failure to plan is actually a plan to fail. Is there any possibility that you have passively avoided the birthday present because there is something in this relationship that you are needing but not getting? I would need a bit more information, but what kind of gifts has your boyfriend offered up on your special occasions? Is he the romantic type that never forgets a holiday or birthday, or is he the ‘slide into the drug store 2 minutes before it closes to grab a card and a gift-like-object’ type of guy? If he’s the former, than you are in a pickle. This sweet, caring fellow is about to get the shaft on his big day. However, if he’s the chronically late or non-existent gift-giver, than you are probably not going to be any worse off for not having something gift-wrapped and ready to go.
Let’s think this one through, since you are strapped for time and you need a good gift idea fast. I’m going to leave it to Birdman to suggest the obvious choices; a threesome, letting him tie you up and molest you, or some other sexual depravity. I’m going to suggest some ideas that don’t exchange bodily fluids.
If we had a few more weeks, I’d suggest you video tape birthday greetings from all his friends, but since we are tight for time we will skip that idea. Here are a few of my ideas, in no particular order:Continue reading →
Dear Birdman: I’m so glad to finally catch up to you. You owe me eleven years of child and emotional support, and I plan on getting it. You told me that you loved me, and wanted me to have your baby, but then the next day you were nowhere to be seen. Where did you go? We were having such a nice weekend, eating mushrooms and drinking tequila, and enjoying what the city had to offer us. Nine months later I’m giving birth to your daughter, and saying goodbye to what was my future. I will never regain my misspent years, streetwalking for diaper money and stripping for food, but with the nest egg that you owe me, I think I’ll be okay. I figure it out at about $800$300 a month for 12 months, times 11 years is $455780$39600. You’ll notice that I didn’t add any interest onto that, and if you cough it up now, it’ll stay that way. We can work out a payment plan for the rest of the months until she’s 18. Thanks for putting up this blog, and making it easy to find you. I thought you were gone for good.
P.S. I got a problem with my hips clicking when I walk. Do you know anything about medical things? Continue reading →