Birdman’s Biblical Translations – Genesis 1

Chapter 1

God creates this earth and its heaven and all forms of life in six days—The creative acts of each day are described—God creates man, both male and female, in his own image—Man is given dominion over all things and is commanded to multiply and fill the earth.

 

Seriously, this is what he saw. Of course it's the beginning of the earth.

 1 In the abeginning bGod ccreated the dheaven and the eearth.

 2 And the earth was without aform, and void; and bdarkness was upon the face of the deep. And the cSpirit of God dmoved upon the face of the waters.

 3 And Go

asaid, Let there be blight: and there was light.

 4 And God saw the light, that it was agood: and God divided the light from the darkness.

 5 And God called the light aDay, and the bdarkness he called Night. And the evening and the morning were the cfirst dday.

 6 ¶And God said, Let there be a afirmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.

 7 And God made the firmament, and divided the awaters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament: and it was so.

 8 And God called the firmament aHeaven. And the evening and the morning were the second bday.

 9 ¶And God said, Let the awaters under the heaven be gathered together unto bone place, and let the dry land appear: and it was so.

 10 And God called the dry land aEarth; and the gathering together of the waters called he Seas: and God saw that it was good.

 11 And God said, Let the earth bring forth agrass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth: and it was so.

 12 And the earth abrought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after his bkind: and God saw that it was good.

 13 And the evening and the morning were the third day.

 14 ¶And God said, Let there be alights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for bsigns, and for cseasons, and for days, and years:

 15 And let them be for lights in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth: and it was so.

 16 And God made two great lights; the agreater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the bstars also.

 17 And God set them in the afirmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth,

 18 And to rule over the aday and over the night, and to divide the light from the darkness: and God saw that it was good.

 19 And the evening and the morning were the fourth day.

 20 And God said, Let the awaters bbring forth abundantly the moving creature that hath life, and cfowl that may fly above the earth in the open firmament of heaven.

 21 And God created agreat whales, and every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every winged fowl after his kind: and God saw that it was good.

 22 And God blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and amultiply, and fill the waters in the seas, and let fowl multiply in the earth.

 23 And the evening and the morning were the fifth day.

 24 ¶And God said, Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his akind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the earth after his kind: and it was so.

 25 And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and God saw that it was good.

 26 ¶And God said, Let aus bmake cman in our dimage, after ourelikeness: and let them have fdominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.

 27 So God created man in his own aimage, in the image of God created he him; male and bfemale created he them.

 28 And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be afruitful, and bmultiply, and creplenish the dearth, and subdue it: and haveedominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.

 29 ¶And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be forameat.

 30 And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there islife, I have given every green herb for ameat: and it was so.

 31 And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very agood. And the evening and the morning were the bsixth day.

 

Birdman’s Translation

Okay, this really high, smart motherfucker named Gwang, was eating magic mushrooms and fermented grapes for like a week, while trying to figure out the meaning of life. While in his hallucinatory state, he thought that he had traveled through time and witnessed the beginning of the world as it was being made by a dog. When he came down, his brain synapses were misfiring and he decided to tell his story. He was babbling on about this to his pals the next weekend, while they were getting fucked up, and they decided to write that shit down. When he had mentioned that it was a dog that created the world, they decided that no one would believe that a tripped out freak saw an intelligent dog shaping the earth as they know it, and changed it to God, an all powerful being who is in the shape of a man. That is way more believable, don’t you think?

Okay, take out the seventh day, that'll give us a day off, and then we can do this shit every week


His buddies started questioning where everything came from, and he wasn’t too sure, so they decided to say that all the living creatures were just put here at once, and everyone just fell into the natural selection process. They figured it would have to be that way, or else some crazy assholes would say that all of the species evolved into what they are now and blow their story out of the water. Another cool thing that not many people know about is that in his hallucinations he saw dinosaurs, but because they weren’t there anymore, he decided to leave them out. He figured that it would even make his buddies give up their new project.

Because they had never seen a woman naked, let alone made sweet love to one, they were a little sketchy on how to word the creation of them. They had heard from eavesdropping on several conversations at their father’s poker games, that a lady had different parts that made a man feel all tingly and shit, but they didn’t want to go into detail on any of that. You know how embarrassing it is get caught while lying about that kind of thing when you are a virgin, so they thought they had better not get too fancy, in case they didn’t hear everything exactly right. You know what fathers are like when they’re drinking and telling sex stories.

Amen,

Birdman

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