Aug 27

Just Swear And Blaspheme Already, For The Love Of Fucking Christ

Crap, darn, frick, frig, jeepers creepers, goldangit, jeez

So, I know and like a lot of religious people. Doesn’t make me a bad person. One of the things I see a lot is that most of them swear like that.

As if it makes them a better person in the eyes of their lord.

Alright, now let’s say that the bible is correct, God does exist, and he is all powerful and all knowing, just like you all think he is. Do you think you’re fooling him by saying “gosh darn it”?

No God damn way. He knows exactly what you mean.

How about jeepers creepers or jeez?

Nope, Jesus knows that you mean him, and worse yet, so does his dad. His dad gets pissed off real easy too. Don’t think that having a child has chilled that angry, old man out. He may have toned it down a bit for the New Testament, but believe you me, he’s still got a mean streak, and it gets worse when he’s drinking.

Sinners!!!

Yes, God and Jesus both know you are taking their names in vain, and they are even angrier with you for trying to fool them.

Think of it like high school; a bully is talking to you and you are telling them how much you like them and how cool they are, but really you think they are an asshole.

You know what happens next? Oh yeah, you do.

You go to a party, drink half a bottle of rye, and start talking about how you’d kick the living piss out of that big bitch. You might even add in that you already did hang a licking on them a few years back, and they are still scared of you.

Oh yeah, you’re the big man/woman on campus now, with everyone crowding around asking for your autograph and shit, and that’s when it hits you. A massive fist, followed by several more, and as you start getting closer to the ground, the feet begin their frenzied Riverdance all over your head, torso and occasionally your tender bits.

This is exactly what is going to happen to you when God and his posse get a hold of you, except it will be the Devil laying the beating on your ass.

There is a silver lining

Luckily for me, I don’t believe in God, so I’m safe and free to live my life without fear of persecution from a higher power. I can blaspheme all day long if I want to, and I sometimes do.

Jesus H Christ, I hope I’m right about the God not existing thing or it’s gonna be a hot old afterlife for this hombre. Just in case I am incorrect in my assumption, I’d like to get all of the Christians to pray for me and my soul. Don’t get me wrong, I still want to end up in Hell, but I’d like to get a cushier job and maybe some perks, like A/C or maybe a sweet log cabin by a lake for my holidays.

As for the swearing part, you should just swear. Why would you want to “diet cuss”? The words mean the exact same thing.

Well, except for “frig”. I have yet to hear someone say “I took her home and frigged the crap out of her.”. It just sounds wrong.

I’m not saying that nobody says it, I just haven’t heard it, and I’ve met a lot of people that take women home.

Why is “shit” any different than “crap”?

It’s not, and never will be. They can both mean feces, trouble, or bad. Why is shit wrong to say around some people then? I don’t know either, but it is. Just ask my old Sunday School teacher.

Also, should we be checking our language when we are around the gentle people?

I’m guilty of it but with me, it’s a respect thing. If I know that someone doesn’t swear, I try not to swear around them.

I just don’t like making people feel uncomfortable. I would, however, like to raise everyone else’s comfort level up to mine, just so I can be myself around them. I have a foul mouth, and no matter how I try to word things, they always mean the same thing in the end. What’s the point of mincing words, when you can say it all with a really good cuss? Another thing I like to do is to emphasize the curse words when I use them. I think it makes me funnier and scarier.

I think we all can agree that I could stand to be both.

In conclusion, my brothers and sisters: Go forth on your journey of enlightenment, and attend any church on Sunday. While you are there, make sure to say in a moderately loud voice,“I’m not taking any more of your God damn bullshit, Jesus, so you can go to Hell.”, and feel a great weight lift off of your shoulders.

I’m just kidding. If you are in church, you should just whisper that shit. It’s quite rude to speak out of turn there. When you are done at church, head over to an AA meeting and enjoy some cookies and grape drink. Oh, and say hi to Abe for me. I miss that drunken, old prick.

P.S. @profanereviews is not responsible for any smitings (or is it smotings?), beatings or rapes by religious zealots, or any other harm that may befall you in the event that somebody can’t take a fucking joke.

Aug 19

Fuck You, Squirrel

Plink, plink, clunk

Something was landing on the metal roof above our bedroom.

Fuck. Not this shit again.

Our first year here, we heard these same sounds. Usually they would start around 4 AM or so. Thunk, clink, plunk.

I went outside to see what was making the racket and was surprised to see a red squirrel at the top of the spruce tree, throwing the new spruce cones forty feet down to the roof and ground.

It was the damndest thing. He pulled every cone off of the branch and chucked them down. He would then move to the next branch and do the same thing. I started to count the branches he had left.

Fuck me. That’s a lot of cones. That was also three years ago. That day was hell, with the waking up, dogs going bananas, and the squirrel egging them on.

I did what I had to do, to keep my sanity.

I bought a slingshot and some ball bearings. My friend Aaron came over as I was unpacking it and he took a few shots. I think he got the varmint on the tenth try. It was dead instantly.

Then came more squirrels. Running around on the house, tormenting us and the dogs, and generally being a nuisance. I also think they were setting up shop in the eaves, but I can’t verify that now. I started shooting at them with the slingshot but I didn’t possess the accuracy that Aaron did. I also started to worry about these ball bearings falling from the sky into people’s cars or eyeballs. We do live about thirty metres from the grocery store and medical clinic.

I wasn’t too worried about hitting people going into the clinic. I mean, there is a doctor right there, and an ambulance if it was more serious than they could handle. The grocery store though. That wouldn’t be cool to come out with your T-bones and mushrooms, all excited for the delicious fucking meal you’re about to have.

All of a sudden… THWACK. Your fucking eyeball is out.

No sir, not on my shift.

I did what anyone else would do. I went to the hardware store and bought a plastic air rifle for $90. It was the only one they had and it was pretty cheaply made. It did the job though. I was murdering squirrels like they were hookers in Grand Theft Auto.

At that time I was throwing them in the long grass over the fence. Out of sight, out of mind. Those people never came around to check out their property anyhow.

Then one day I heard an engine start up out back. I went and saw what seemed like an alcoholic skeleton pushing a lawnmower through the two-foot high grass. It wasn’t working very well. When he saw me, he shut it down and started walking over.

He was talking about how the district had told the company they had to clean up the dry grass because it was a fire hazard and he had been called to come and do the job. He figured that he hadn’t brought the right equipment, but he was just going to keep lifting and pushing through the jungle.

That was until he saw the squirrel graveyard. He asked me what it was, so I jumped the fence and pretended I didn’t know how all of those bodies in different stages of decomposition, got there. Needless to say, that was all the reason he needed to pack up, grab a jug of gin, and ride off into the sunset.

Wow, I really got away from myself there.

Anyhow, Blue and I went outside yesterday to plant the new apple tree. He kept watch in the spruce and I was mixing the cowshit with the compost and eggshells.

Chunk. A cone nailed me in the head. I looked up and saw the little cocksucker whipping them down at a coked up rate. It was like the Plinko game from Price Is Right, bouncing from limb to limb and hitting Blue or I. They never hit Gerri though. I think she pays the little fuckers off.

I was going to let all of this go until later when I was trying to fix the chipper. That prick came down, sat on the birdhouse and started chattering right in my face.

He was three feet away and I was tempted to whip the screwdriver at him but I was afraid it would take out the neighbour’s shed window or something. I told him that if he didn’t stop, I was going to go buy a pellet gun and kill him the next day.

Crappy Tire was having a sale!

This badboy was regularly $159, but was on for $99 and it included the scope. We actually went that night so I could do murder in the morning but first I needed to sight it in.

I probably looked ridiculous shooting a board on the front lawn in my robe but that didn’t matter. What mattered was that I got it sighted in pretty tight. Now it’s killing time.

I put on some shorts and went into the backyard to wait for him, but he never came back out. Gerri said that he probably saw how good of a gun I had and moved to another yard but I figure she tipped the bastard off.

She’s always rooting for the underdog.

Aug 12

The Rescues – Blue

In case you were going to skip by this post, we wanted you to know that all SBD raised in the post will go to @tarc which is managed by @rhondak. Also, any SP and Steem will be converted to SBI shares in @tarc’s name. 

With the prices down so low, they need our help more than ever, so if you can’t help out with a donation, maybe put @tarc on autovote and share a post or two with your friends. 

He’s a good, climbing boy

Before you watch the video, there is something that we were going to say, but got sidetracked. I was told that I could get a dog, but it had to be after the wedding and it had to be a smart, non-shedding dog.

Over a month before the wedding, Gerri called me to the computer and showed me a photo of Blue and asked if that was a good dog. She thought he looked so nice and handsome.

I told her that I had been around a lot of hounds over my life, and they were all very friendly, loving dogs, but they were not known for their obedience or their non-shedding ability. I said that they were smart, but generally just when it came to hunting or escaping.

She then said that it would be okay to at least go and meet him, so we called and arranged to go meet him. It was an hour long drive and he had been neutered the day before, so as soon as they let him into the yard to meet us, he ran right by, had a shit against the wall, and then tried to find a hole in the fence.

Obviously he was a perfect match for us!

Okay, now on to the video.

Thanks for checking out this post and feel free to leave a comment, especially if you can share a pic and/or story of your rescue. We love those.

Aug 01

Therapy Thursday S01-E05

This is the second, and far crazier, episode this week. When we say episode, we mean it in a few different senses. You can be the judge of what we mean after you read @snook’s post/letter.

We can’t get into more detail, but suffice it to say, things get a little loopy.

 

Aug 01

Therapy Thursday S01-E04

We have to space these out because we got two videos this week.

Yeah, I know. Pretty impressive. We’re fucking popular now.

This post is going up when it turns Thursday in Samoa, and the second one will go up hours later, but I think we’re going to have to rename this to something a little more any day friendly.

This one came from @davemccoy and was in the form of a post. You can find it here. Letter To Help Save My Friend From Steem Monster Addiction

You should probably have a look at the post before watching the video

Stay tuned for the soon to come second post. It’s a doozy!