So Mrs. Birdman went to work tonight, because someone has to keep Daddy in pork rinds. This means I was home with the kiddies. Almost immediately the elder of the two buggered off to her friend’s house, so that left T and myself to fend for ourselves. After a makeshift supper, we settled in to what I had expected to be the last two chapters of Junie B. Jones forever. I was wrong. Did you know that there are at least fourteen of those little books? Jesus, I can’t stay awake that long. I wouldn’t mind so much if I was allowed to nap through it, because when she cuddles in for a read, and I hear her shaky, unsure voice, I just feel like all is right with my universe. That translates into me feeling quite safe, and napping just seems like the next logical step. Unfortunately, I heard a lot of “Are you sleeping?”, and then I wasn’t.
The eldest came home just a while ago, and wanted some cookies. I told her no, even though her sister was having some. I felt like a shit, but while she was gone I had emptied their lunch bags, and she had eaten the crackers, but nothing else. I told her that if she finished the fruit and yogurt, she could have some cookies, but no dice. I don’t know what to do in these situations, so I go with my gut. I know that my gut is usually wrong, but it’s the only thing I have to go with. After a few minutes she came out and asked me if I was mad at her for a completely unrelated incident, and I explained that I wasn’t mad, but I get upset because I don’t know how to explain to them the importance of not eating the crappy treats first, and then leaving all of the good food to rot. As her big eyes got bigger and shinier, I told her that I wasn’t angry, but I just didn’t know what to do. She walked away quietly, and went about her business.
Did I handle that properly? Probably not. I’m sure that studies will prove that I have scarred her emotionally for telling her that I was upset, because she knows that she’s the root of the situation. Mrs. B has explained several different things about the psyche of children to me, but I always have a hard time applying it. I’m going to go in now, and explain that no matter what they do, or how upset I get, that I will always love them, unconditionally.
I mean really, is this the worst thing that’s ever going to piss me off? I doubt it. They haven’t even started sneaking around with boys yet. This is just a minor glitch in an otherwise perfect system. Okay, I have to go talk to them.
(twenty minutes later)
Well, that actually went pretty well. I just explained that when I get upset, it’s only because I want what’s best for them, and that I don’t tell them that they can’t do, or have something, just to be mean. There was a lot of hugging and words, and I may have teared up a bit when they said I was their favourite too. (Don’t you judge me. I’m weak.)
The reason I did this, was because last week I saw firsthand what happens when a child looks up to you, and you treat them harshly, without explaining or apologizing for being short. (With them. I can’t help how I was born. Mom smoked and drank wine when she was pregnant with me.) I honestly had no idea that those children could think that I didn’t love them, just because I call them annoying, when I assumed that they were trying to be.
While I was telling them, that no matter how angry I may get, I will always love them more than anything. T pointed out that their mommy loves them like that. I told them that I already know, because she has told me that, lots of times. This brought out some smiles, and then we all hugged a bit more, and then I put the code for Netflix in for them, so they could watch iCarly for the fiftieth time.
I guess the thing that shocks me the most is that they can’t see how much I love them. Their mother picks up on it right away. I just assumed that there was an ethereal glow emanating from my being every time I come into contact with those that I love. Some people only get a bit, some get a lot, and a few get everything. These girls get full power, at all times, so it seems odd that they can’t see it. I guess I’ll have to show them better than I do right now, because I don’t ever want them to feel unloved.They deserve better than that.
They deserve everything, really, and I’m going to make it my job to ensure that they don’t allow anyone to mistreat them, or their love. I know people will try, but if they love themselves, and know that we love them more than anything, they won’t be such easy prey for the Svengalis of the world. I’ve seen, way too many times, what people like that will do to a person’s self worth, happiness, and spirit. It’s not nice, and it makes it hard for that person to ever trust again.
In closing, I’d like to tell you to try and be gentle with people’s emotions. Even the ones who seem to take it like a champ. They might be just hiding behind their ever thickening armour, letting the hurt and rejection soak in and hardening them for the next person who wants to love them.
Broken hearts are hard to mend, I know I’ve had my share, but life just carries on, even when I’m not there,
Now for the random question.
What was the drunkest you’ve ever been?